Having a little vent...

[stressedcrayon]

Could be triggering

Mentions of:

• Animal sickness, death
• Possibly toxic parents

I am currently doing a year 12 equivalent. I managed to get past the last semester of school with really good marks but I'm still mentally exhausted from the last couple of weeks of tests and assessments.

Didn't help that an animal companion of mine was dying and had to be put down just a couple days before starting. I watched him stop eating, drinking and he lost a lot of weight. It hit me hard as I knew at the start of his last 48 hours there was no chance of recovery. He was a small animal so it's harder to determine what exactly had made him this way and it was harder to find out on his species. Unfortunately small animals will try to hide their illness. His birthday was only a couple of days before. I wish I could turn back time but I can't. I can't change what happened to him.

My mother was quick to mention the vet bills, it hadn't even been half a day. Yet she was even "upset" about putting him down. That wasn't the last mention of money either. The next day was my father's day with me, the day after school. He has emotionally blackmailed me in the past that still effects me.

School didn't start on a good point with me already being depressed and now mourning. I'm pretty much a zombie and I fail to complete my first assessment - a report. It was a simple report to do but being depressed, sleep deprived, starved (starving myself = no energy) and dumb, doesn't lead to much good. I find it hard to ask for help and it doesn't help I'm a bit of a perfectionist (I'm insecure about not being smart).

Believing I was out of the course I texted my mother (I was too scared to do it in person) while my father was still around as I was afraid of being yelled at and kicked out. I expressed that I was upset about it and did not what to talk about it right away. She didn't respect my feelings and wishes... I stayed at my Grandma's and with her calm touch things were getting better and we finished the report together.

Now a weeks later I am in a similar situation again... very stressed and still depressed... my mother knows it's overdue... she did offer to help once but I was currently angry as I remembered about all the times she yelled, ignored and degraded/belittled me... So today has been a mixture of anger and crying... Am falling behind as we speak both school and mental health wise... I am just feeling like I'm mentally destroyed

Will try to mention to my therapist...

[tranzcrybe]

Hi stressedcrayon,

Welcome to the forums and I hope you find some comfort and support. I note your 'just having a little vent' post and think that is a good way to let off steam and regroup.

SO sorry to hear of you pet and it sounds like you had a special bond together. I know it is hard to let go, but it is kinder to remove any suffering.

About parents - I think there is pressure on everyone during higher schooling (and parent's are often the worst at handling it), but you have a safe haven in Grandma. Choose your moments, but do express how you feel more often with them.

Not eating and not sleeping will certainly make things a little foggy, so this should be a high priority for you to regenerate. I read your comment "I'm insecure about not being smart" - but if you avoid asking, your insecurity will only get worse. I know it takes courage, but have you spoken with your teachers? You may find they are grateful for you approaching them, to let them know the feelings and pressures you are dealing with (I thought the same as you back then, and it took me until half way through University to realise how supportive tutors can be).

Eat, sleep, recover, and I'm sure things will look a little brighter for you.

Regards,

t.

[stressedcrayon]

Hi tranzcrybe,

Thank you for your advice!

Due to experience of expressing my feelings to my parents, it's better for me not to. My grandma means good but in regards to mental health/illness, I don't think she really knows how to help with it.

We (grandma and I) talked a bit about how I have my overdue assessment and all she kinda said was just get into it, told her I've tried to the last few days and that was pretty much that.

My teachers are supportive, one did reach out and asked if I needed any help but I just said I would get it in as soon as possible. Asking for too much help is a burden, or at least that's how I think of it. Believe me I've gone to my therapist about it and he's assured me it's not but it sticks.

I'll just try to do my assessment again.

I will try to get better sleep and eat properly.

Thanks a lot,

stressedcrayon

[cherrytomato]

hello stressedcrayon,

i hope you dont mind me intruding, i can relate with your feeling of not wanting to reach out to anyone, especially teachers, I prefer to keep the different aspects of my life separate. I'm not sure if this would help, but if you have a friend that keeps secrets well, invite them over or go to their house and chat with them. if circumstances dont allow them to come over, stay after school and ask them to accompany you. you can also ask them to communicate with you're parents, or at least ask them to hint at your parents that you really hope they can help.

if your mother does offer help again, try to keep calm, I know it could be annoying for them to suddenly care when they paid little attention to certain aspects of you before, but when they do offer help and you dont think you can respond calmly, slow down. slow down your speech and stop yourself from talking and focus on present.

another thing I found helped, cus I had a bad sleeping cycle before, is lavender. it helps you sleep, so if you get some spray, spray it on your pillow before you sleep. meditating and exercises also help. not intense exercising, but more like stretches.

i dont eat well either, i sometimes can eat a piece of toast and be fine until tomorrow, othertimes i snack on food the entire day and still go to bed feeling like i need more food. of course, it doesn't happen all the time but definitely happens more than i need. if you dont feel like eating, make smoothies instead, and drink it. or you can eat small portions of food throughout the day which adds up to a normal daily intake.

I'm not sure if I was any help to you, but I hope you find someone you can genuinely share your feelings with who would understand your troubles and unconditionally support you. i also hope you can start sleeping and eating well so you can focus on your life more.

[stressedcrayon]

Hi cherrytomato,

Thank you for the advice!

Unfortunately I only really have one friend and she doesn't go to school with me which makes it hard. My friend has a chronic illness and different sleep pattern so it's a bit hard to contact her sometimes.

My mother never offered to help again, however my Grandma did. I'm withdrawing as I can not mentally handle things and haven't really for a couple of months.

In the next couple months I hope to get my life back on track starting with my eating and sleeping.

I appreciate what you said a lot,

stressedcrayon