Had enough of everything

[Tim]

Hey everyone,

I'm new here, and I guess I just feel the need to tell my story as I'm just at a complete loss with things... For a long time I've been very unhappy- My earliest memory of feeling completely helpless goes back 20 years to when I was 7 years old; I used to be a happy kid, but I found myself with an absolute monster of a second grade teacher who intentionally mispronounced my name (it's something obviously foreign), and would pick on me, and blame me for things I didn't do; soon all the other kids started against me too, and it got to a point where I was taken out of school and was so shaken by the experience I refused to ever return to a school again, so many years of homeschooling ensured until highschool.

I struggled with social issues and lonliness for a long time, and it resulted in living with a checkered state of mental health.. However, fighting through it all I've managed to avoid the pratfalls of substance abuse, complete a cert III and IV in Multimedia at TAFE and a double degree in media studies and journalism at university; I'm in a relationship with who I'm convinced is the absolute best girl in the world for four and a half years, I've worked a multitude of jobs, am a responsible driver (have all my demerits and never been hit with a traffic fine) and am in an active band as a musician... 

Well, what's the problem? The fact it's becoming painfully clear is that it feels like NONE of that matters. I KNOW I'm a good person, I know how much I've worked, but I feel the old depressions mounting up and knocking me down harder than ever as I'm seeing more and more that I just CANNOT find a job; and combined with my failed attempt at doing a teaching Post Grad this year, it's just left me feeling completely lost and aimless- I feel like life has no direction or purpose and I just don't know what to do- well, I kind of know what I want to do, I want to have a JOB and work, make money and be the partner that deserves someone as amazing as my partner, but instead I feel like a complete failure of a human being as I struggle so hard with getting a job, and even when I HAVE gotten jobs, I'm usually met with the same old excuse of "Oh we overhired, sorry but we no longer need you blah blah blah"... It's seriously destroying my sense of self worth, and I don't feel like I can go on much longer... 

[prj]

Well... I recall pretty much the same when I was in primary school. Different reasons, same thing happened. My parents didn't care so I stayed in school. Let me tell you that sort of experience will leave your sense of self, self respect, and self esteem pretty bruised. So what happened? I realised the world is what it is and that some folks aren't really very nice.

OK, that didn't cure me or anything; what it did do was allow me to realise that how we come to feel about ourselves at such a young age is learnt through interaction with society, our parents, teachers, blah. I also figured out that all the other kids that used to behave in a seemingly cruel manner learned that behaviour just as we all learn at that age, positive reinforcement. The upshot is I learned a lot about how I never wanted to be and not much at all about how to be who I know I am.

I never did the drugs, alcohol and other self-abusive things. I did get depressed because I was stuck, I couldn't figure anything out and the problems caused by the initial problems just piled up. I found depression to be the biggest impediment imaginable.

I sought help and education through therapy after finding a psychologist I could relate to as a human being and who could relate to me. I read and read a lot. I learned techniques to combat depression and learned what my personal source of depression was.

Later and by observation I discovered that to be respected I had to respect myself. To be truly lovable, I had to love and accept myself, flaws and all. To heal, one heals from love, not anger or self-hate.

Finding work is very challenging at this time and that's not a sign of personal inadequacy. Again, developing personal skills to combat depression, self-doubt, journeys of self-discovery are all paths you can follow to get into a better space. Counselling and therapy are just that, they're the university of the self where you learn skills that everyone needs. If you don't get it at home, school, general society, then there are other ways to be taught.

I can be done, the hardest and most important step is the first one, it gets easier every moment thereafter.

Good luck, mate.