Guilt and shame: Repeated equivocation, indecisiveness about going back to work.

[MakeTheWorldABetterPlace]

I have been off work now for almost a year. Work and burnout were certainly some of the catalysts for what continues to be a tumultuous and protracted mental health crisis. I go around in tortuous circles contemplating when or if I will ever go back to work. This is awful for me and I imagine for anyone I bring along with me on my roller-coaster (e.g. a friend or a supervisor). I am feeling awful about leading people to believe that I might be coming back to work in some form and then letting them down. I hate myself for getting others' hopes up and then letting them down almost as quickly.

I have very ridged black and white thinking. At times, I thoroughly hate this weak part of me that is seemingly helpless and hopeless. At times, I want nothing more than to deny I have any issues and just carry on with life like other people do. This seems to be inevitably followed by a harsh reality that I'm not okay and that I'm plainly not up to it. My constant oscillating between going back to work and not going back to work is itself distressing and disheartening. It's not just the extremes between being a 'failure' and being a 'success', I am forever in two minds about going back to work at all.

Black and white thinking is not that unusual. It's very very common. So the social pressures to return to 'normality' are strong and shame inducing. I feel doomed to forever feel guilt and shame for the way I am. Even some mental health professionals engage in this. The question gets asked, when am I going back to work? My answer... I don't know. For me, work is one of the reasons I'm in this mess. If I was suffering from cancer, it's unlikely the question would come up. Or the insinuation that you're plainly lazy, what do you do with your days? My answer... nothing much, sleeping, resting, maybe read the news.

Does anyone else deal with this? How do people manage these unhelpful thought patterns and social pressures? How do people navigate the constant to and fro or ups and downs? I feel I need to guard against bringing people along with me on my roller-coaster to avoid the seemingly inevitable low points where I let people down.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear MakeTheWorldABetterPlace,

Having read your post (and certainly understand being stuck in a loop), it prompted me to think that maybe if you were to think about going to a different type of work, it might take some of the pressure off? As in, perhaps it's time for a career change?

You mentioned burnout as being one of the contributing factors, yeah? Maybe you could look for, and/or start studying in something entirely different?!

I've had a few careers in my time; I've worked in Printing (no formal training for that at first), textiles (Certificate 3), Welfare and Community Support (Did a 2 year Diploma), Web Technologies and Interactive Digital Media (Cert 3 and Cert 4), and now I'm in Retail (Cert 3)!

Giver yourself permission and time to NOT make the decision ..... as the saying goes: "When in doubt, do nothing!" Try instead to look at this time of 'indecision' as a time of potential research instead. Even if all you do in one day is look at a course that a local Tafe has for offer.

Anyway, I don't know if that helps or not. I hope it does. Just remember that it's never too late to learn something new. Who knows, it could be the start of a whole new adventure!

Take care. Let me know how you go with the ideas. xo

[MakeTheWorldABetterPlace]

Hi Soberlicious96,
Thanks for taking the time out to reply. Your post did help. I have finally resigned from my old job. I know I'm not going back to that. I know this much. It's taken me a long while just to make this decision though.
I have had a few different jobs or careers too over time. I've also entertained potential career changes to something entirely different. My psychologist suggested in the past that study might be a soft way to re-enter the workforce. However, I feel too tired for this. I've actually done just this so many times in my life already I've kind of run out of energy, resources and the capacity (i.e. due to eligibility criteria) to do it again. I've accrued a long list of academic accomplishments.
I think I will maintain a holding pattern until I'm better place.
Thanks again.

[Soberlicious96]

Hi MakeTheWorldABetterPlace,

Well at least you made one decision, and took one action (by resigning) to break that loop you were stuck in.

I guess now the trick is to not let your current 'holding pattern' become another loop to get stuck in? I reckon if it were me, I'd be looking to do some volunteer work or something ..... anything to give me some sort of routine and purpose, no matter how 'simple' or whatever that may be. I'm not the kind of person who can 'sit at home' for too long.

I've also always found that there is always someone worse off than myself ...... I had a sort of mission trip to India in January 2013, and let me tell you, if that's not a place to see where people are worse off, then I don't know what is. Not saying that you have to go to India, but maybe the local churches or some sort of community group could do with a helping hand with those less fortunate?

It's amazing how good it can make you feel to know that you have made a difference in someone's life.

Anyway, again, I don't now if that helps or not, but I am still thinking of you anyway, if that helps to know.

Take care, and enjoy your Saturday night. xo

[MakeTheWorldABetterPlace]

Hi Soberlicious96,

Thanks for your follow up post. I have heard similar things about taking a trip to India and also how good it can be for your own mental health to focus on helping people who are worse off than you. Volunteer work sounds like an excellent idea. Translating this awareness into actually doing something has been where I get stuck. I don't expect that anyone else necessarily has all the answers. Thanks again for your support.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear MakeTheWorldABetterPlace,

You're welcome. Let me know what kind of volunteer work/activity you find! I'd like to hear about it sometime!

Regards, Soberlicious. xo