Great expectations

[white knight]

The scenario. You, your wife and your dog have planned a round Oz driving trip. Your wife's best friend, her husband and their dog will be in their bus. You'll travel together.

Early on in the trip they forge ahead, on each leg they go out of sight and you wonder if you break down that you won't have the help you could have had if he'd kept an eye on you and kept close by.

You drive along an outback highway and it happens, engine oil seal gives way. A tow job. No phone range. Your friends don't know, they were 5 kms ahead. You hitch a lift 60kms to the last town and organise the tow truck. You wait at the van park until its fixed.

Your friends text you when they are finally in phone range about 300km away. You reply that you are OK, the car needed towing and "this is why one should keep watch on the other party"

You also tell them to continue with their holiday but you are fuming inside.

There are many questions but these are the ones I need answering

- it it unreasonable to expect your friends to automatically realise for safety reasons to stay together?

- if you think so and they don't share that view, would that difference mean you could not ever be close mates?

- is there a bare basics level of mateship that you expect from friends.

As we are in our van waiting for our car repairs my dear wife wants me to remain friendly towards our "friends" which I would now find difficult. But I'll try. Well meet about 5 days from now.

Here's the thing. Had the tables been reversed when I found out my mate was stranded or even settled back at the caravan park, I would have driven back there to support them. In fact on two occasions that happened on our trip.

Is it unreasonable to base your friendship with someone upon your own values?

How can you calculate acquaintance will make a committed "mate" in the long term? So you can save time and not waste effort on someone that would leave you for dead on an outback highway?

Are we unfair having expectations?

Two mates head off riding their trail bikes. One gets a flat tyre. The other says "too bad, its not my bike that has a flat tyre" and rides off. It would be a given that they'd help each other in such circumstances.

But my sister hit the nail on the head. "Our father always went over and beyond the call of duty and always got hurt".

Im tired of people hurting me. It has to stop. The walls are going up!

I just have to find a way of doing that and putting on a smiling face at the same time

Tony WK

[JessF]

Fair enough Tony it sounds like you've had doubts about how much you can trust this friend for a while, and this incident has been the last straw. Good that you can readjust your boundaries to still be civil and your wife can maintain her friendship. I thought Elizabeth made some really good points about how we can still have relationships with different people in our lives even if our values differ quite a lot. But it would be nice for you to find some travelling companions that are more on the same page.

[Elizabeth CP]

I was really pleased with your decisions to deal with the situation. I agree with you allowing time to calm down before meeting up with your 'travel companions'. This allows your wife to continue her friendship rather than allowing your normal reasonable feelings to spoil it for her. I also completely agree that carrying on your trip in a way that you rely on yourselves only. I am glad you have your wife's support & understanding. I want you to understand that you were in a difficult challenging situation & you managed it very well. You found a way to get the help you needed to get the car fixed. You were able to control your angry feelings in a way that was appropriate & you have continued to build your relationship with your wife knowing that she is totally on your side. These are real positives. I hope by the end of your trip you can look back at all the challenges you have overcome & feel good about yourself as well as remembering all the good experiences.

[pipsy]

Hi Tony. I totally agree that hurt/anger at their insensitivity would be the initial reaction. However, these people probably wouldn't even notice if you did ignore them. I don't know how I would feel if my spouse continued friendship with these people, given how you feel. I feel, personally, if you have problems with someone, your spouse should support you. I don't feel your reaction to what happened became an obsession, you were/still feel anger, you have the right to feel let-down by people you thought you could rely on. They've proved how 'reliable' they are -not. It's now up to you and your wife to decide how and where your friendship with them is. If you're happy with her continued friendship with them, that's good that you can be that way. As I said, I couldn't go along with that. The reason I feel that though is because of personal problems attached to my ex.

Lynda.

[white knight]

I've always placed other people as more a priority than myself. In this case my wife and her girlfriend ( I affectionately call her " little sis" such is my love for her) have been close friends for me 20 years. I dearly don't want to upset that. Furthermore she doesn't drive the bus, only he does.

We left Darwin one day late as he had a virus. I wouldn't leave them. We stayed so we could run them to the DR's and chemist.

Seems my dedication towards friendships is over the top...unrealistic as I point out so many times in my own teachings. But I know no other way.

I've plummeted into a depressive swamp that seems more of a fort now. My wife is supportive and has accepted my need for her as being supportive and less demanding. Had that soft heart not emerged this morning I was going to check in at Katherine hospital. Yes I'm low.

This will not make it easy when I catch up to our friends but they are now off my list of priorities. I've discussed with my wife that I need to withdraw from people (not bb) and for her to allow me to without fuss or expectations. This will give us the best chance to enjoy the rest if our trip albeit in a struggling mental capacity.

History has proven I'll be out of this downturn in a week or so...good to rely on a track record.

When we had brekky this morning I threw a burnt piece of toast on the ground. The most beautiful bird, olive green back, white under and blue face came for a feed.

Like yesterday, with meeting Patrick the proud indigenous man, it reminded, what a wonderful world.

There is such beauty I can continue to focus on including this forum that is my focus. Not people with selfish values.

Thankyou for your hearts

Tony WK

[pipsy]

Hi Tony. I'm actually extremely proud of your decision to not allow your personal feelings to come between you, and your wife's best friend. Holding the wife to blame for the hubby's lack of consideration would be a mistake. I gather if the wife had been alone, this probably wouldn't have occurred. I don't think your dedication of being a friend is unrealistic, it's just that, in this case, the person you looked at as a friend proved unworthy of the title. I suggest next time you meet these people, just treat him, particularly, as her hubby, not your friend. You owe him no explanations for 'cooling off'. If he asks, 'what's wrong?', just say, nothing that would interest you and leave it at that. You, to me, still are the most unselfish, warm-hearted person, I have ever had the pleasure to be acquainted with. I think that's part of the reason this has got to you, this guy abused your friendship. It's totally understandable why it's affected you so much. He doesn't deserve any more of your time.

Lynda.

[white knight]

Hi Pipsy

Lovely kind words.

I'm feeling quite a lot better since an afternoon sleep and a chocolate bar or two.

My wife and I are convinced I need to return to some psych visits. Haven't done that for 6 years

Obsession rage expectations sadness anger and depression all understandable but not to the high levels I experience them.

Agreed, I owe this man nothing but my withdrawal will effect my wife's friendships with them but I'll cushion it as much as I can. After all it isn't my fault and it isn't appropriate I put on a mask.

To distance myself is the best outcome. To feel pity on those not flushed with consideration is my way of coping. "They not know what they do" and I'm not in this world to educate 55yo men how to care for a mate...unless he asks....oops a pig passed by the window....

Ahhh, got my humour back...progress.

Tony WK

[pipsy]

Hi Tony. Just a thought here. It may be of some use to regard this person in the 'narc' category. I realise he probably isn't, but if you can mentally put him there, this might help with avoidance issues. I too could do with a chocolate bar????? A guy just posted about googling issues with regards to over worry about non-existent medical problems. The guys' Dr had basically banned him from googling any more, the guy had already googled previous to the Dr's warning. Read Gruffud's response. If that doesn't have you rolling around the floor, nothing will.

Lynda.

[pipsy]

Further to post I just mentioned. The heading is Health Anxieties - How To Ungoogle: Jess - something.

Lynda.

[Elizabeth CP]

Tony, I'm really sorry this trip is being soilt by a return of your depression. I am not going to discuss the initial reason for this thread. I believe you have worked out how to deal with the situation ie give yourself some time to settle & then meet up again so your wife retains her friendship but you don't have any expectations of support.

In the time I have been on BB you have provided a lot of support both to me & to others in need. Your advice has always been supportive & encouraging. Think about what advice you would give to someone feeling like you are & apply it to yourself. Every post you have written to me has been positive emphasising the positive qualities you think I have & the positive things I have done. I am doing the same back to you. You are a loving caring person. You have overcome difficult situations including the recent situation where you got your car fixed even when the planned support failed. You have a loving supportive relationship with your wife. This is a reflection on both of you. Your wife wouldn't have married you if she didn't see what a loving person you were. My psychiatrist is encouraging me to write a list of my good qualities & my achievements. This is hard as I tend to focus on the negative but being forced to look at what I have learnt from difficult situations & seeing positives is helping me. You have learnt lots of skills in dealing with your mental health issues & I'm sure you are using then now.

I hope you are able to see a good psych to help you get back on track. In the meantime I hope you can give yourself the encouragement & positive feedback you give to others. Hopefully in the near future you will be able to put this situation behind you as another challenge you have overcome & can get back to enjoying your trip. Keep noticing those lovely experiences like the indigenous man or the lovely bird eating the toast. instead of tking time to smell the roses take time to look at all the interesting things around you.

I hope you improve soon.

[Neil_1]

Tony,

Thinking of you mate – it’s soon to the weekend; well, perhaps not for you as you continue on your journey. Though you would still need to be aware of the days, so you still know what day it is for any shopping that you need to do, etc.

Anyway, hope that you’re travelling ok (get it, travelling ok – internally and the car – pretty clever stuff from Neil there I thought!) 😉 ;)

Keep fighting mate and keep on writing too, if you feel it helps.

Cheers

Neil