Great expectations

[white knight]

The scenario. You, your wife and your dog have planned a round Oz driving trip. Your wife's best friend, her husband and their dog will be in their bus. You'll travel together.

Early on in the trip they forge ahead, on each leg they go out of sight and you wonder if you break down that you won't have the help you could have had if he'd kept an eye on you and kept close by.

You drive along an outback highway and it happens, engine oil seal gives way. A tow job. No phone range. Your friends don't know, they were 5 kms ahead. You hitch a lift 60kms to the last town and organise the tow truck. You wait at the van park until its fixed.

Your friends text you when they are finally in phone range about 300km away. You reply that you are OK, the car needed towing and "this is why one should keep watch on the other party"

You also tell them to continue with their holiday but you are fuming inside.

There are many questions but these are the ones I need answering

- it it unreasonable to expect your friends to automatically realise for safety reasons to stay together?

- if you think so and they don't share that view, would that difference mean you could not ever be close mates?

- is there a bare basics level of mateship that you expect from friends.

As we are in our van waiting for our car repairs my dear wife wants me to remain friendly towards our "friends" which I would now find difficult. But I'll try. Well meet about 5 days from now.

Here's the thing. Had the tables been reversed when I found out my mate was stranded or even settled back at the caravan park, I would have driven back there to support them. In fact on two occasions that happened on our trip.

Is it unreasonable to base your friendship with someone upon your own values?

How can you calculate acquaintance will make a committed "mate" in the long term? So you can save time and not waste effort on someone that would leave you for dead on an outback highway?

Are we unfair having expectations?

Two mates head off riding their trail bikes. One gets a flat tyre. The other says "too bad, its not my bike that has a flat tyre" and rides off. It would be a given that they'd help each other in such circumstances.

But my sister hit the nail on the head. "Our father always went over and beyond the call of duty and always got hurt".

Im tired of people hurting me. It has to stop. The walls are going up!

I just have to find a way of doing that and putting on a smiling face at the same time

Tony WK

[White_Rose]

Hello Tony

I am so relieved you were not in more trouble and that you came out OK. I have just read this thread and now I look again I realise it was only posted today. There are so many replies I presumed it was several days old and I had missed it because I have been off-line for a day or two. Similar reason, got uptight and needed a timeout to recuperate.

I suspect many of us have had a similar situation and no matter how many times we tell ourselves we will never do it again, we do put our trust in others. I had a similar incident when I asked for a lift and was refused. I was gobsmacked. So I stepped back from the friendship. Courtesy etc when we met but absolutely no trust. And yet I felt guilty about it. She apparently never noticed and went on with her life as though nothing had happened. I was so surprised I wondered if I had been a cheeky asking for a lift. Someone else took me home. I think what made it worse was that it was getting dark and a walk home meant walking along a dirt road with no lights.

Not much use to cause a fuss and I really believe even if I had spelled out my concern she would shrug it off. So the friendship lapsed on my part. You are right about unspoken agreements between friends. I expect people who profess to care about me to act in that way as I take care of my friends and give them a helping hand. And thinking about what was happening behind me on the road to my mates is something I would expect.

I do agree you should travel together. Basic common sense.

So what are you going to do about your friend? I would be as upset with this as I was in my incident. If they cannot realise how much you felt let down, and it appears this way, then let them go.

I hope you are feeling better by now and able to look at the incident with fewer of the feelings of betrayal and hurt. You say if the positions had been reversed you would have gone back. In reality the position would not have been reversed because you would be keeping in contact with your mate in the rear. You are aware of the potential problems, even if you cannot stop them happening, and take steps to minimize the fallout from a problem. Your mate obviously assumed all would be well. Sounds a bit like a politician.

I am very glad you are all OK and I really want you to enjoy the rest of your travels. Keep in touch.

Mary

[blondguy]

Hi Tony

Your wonderful wife is doing as my ex girlfriend would do...'Keep the peace' I understand her point..no problem.

If I was in my XR8 and ahead or behind you I would always stay within a 'safe' parameter of you so both of us could benefit if either one of us would have a mechanical screw up and were 'stuck'

Thats the trouble with 'Common Courtesy' Tony......its not very common.

I wouldnt be a happy camper at all. I have an innate sense of awareness that wouldnt let you get too far without a visual....As a friend...I could never leave you out of reasonable sight....ever..

Its something I couldnt do to you Tony WK. With all due respect to your wife of course.

Paul

[HA1]

Hi Tony - it's been a while.

Since we last spoke, I have also hit the road. Traveling long distances to find that place I want to call home. That aside, your post raises some very good questions. Let me try and qive you my spin of these:

- "is it unreasonable to expect your friends to automatically realise for safety reasons to stay together?" Of course not. It is an unwritten rule with people who spend their life on the road that you look out for each other. Otherwise - why travel together? I have chosen to travel alone and never in a convoy (however tempting that may be). If I want to share a few moments with others around the camp kitchen, well In can do that even if I travel alone. You will understand that there is a fair bit of self interest there also.

- if you think so and they don't share that view, would that difference mean you could not ever be close mates? Ha! Is that me asking the question! I have found that traveling around solo, you find close friends from the most unexpected places and backgrounds. I dont need to have them in my rear view mirror all the time. To be frank, in my time on the road, I have made more meaningful friends than in my whole lifetime.

- is there a bare basics level of mateship that you expect from friends. Yes - understanding without questioning. I am fortunate that, on the road on have found this type of mateship. A type of genuine mateship that I never felt I had with friends.

Oh bugger. Having re-read that it is a bit of a ramble. But I hope you get the gist of what I am saying. There is a message there somewhere.

I wish you well on your travels, and I really hope that by chance we may meet on the road. (Are you on your motorbike?).

Safe travels

K

[pipsy]

Tony, is this the trip you took when we were at the seminar? Geoff mentioned you'd had problems. That part would've been pretty scary. The loneliness with being miles out of anywhere with a break-down and no way of reaching anyone only adds to the problem. Unfortunately, because the others had no way of knowing what had happened, there was nothing they could do. Had they have been just ahead, it's possible they still might not have 'clicked' that something had happened. They may have just thought you'd stopped for some reason. Sometimes people traveling in front don't constantly check their rear view mirror. Perhaps people like these have to be told when to do and what to do. It could be they're just so caught up in their own world, they just don't think. I'm not excusing them, no way, it's just that some people don't think - period. I, like Jess, are just so thankful you and wife and dog are okay. That's so good to know. I know deep down you may never re-invite them away again, fair enough, but, at the same time, I can't see you totally ignoring them for long. I don't honestly believe that's you. I also believe, even after everything that happened, you would probably still be the first one to offer them assistance. I'm so sorry if I offended you with my first post, that was not the intention.

Lynda.

[white knight]

No offense taken on any post. They have all been very interedting .

I've read them all aloud to my wife and we've discussed them at length.

Yes we had a broken caravan drawbar twice. Fixed and all fine.

My wife knows me very well and she pointed out that these expectations once breached become to a point of obsession...it simply isn't a case of disappointment. That anger takes days to calm down from.

I don't think Mrs Dools is accurate with lack of communication more like a less level of care from our male friend. It has yet again resulted in hurt and I have to adjust. We have discussed this as a priority to save our trip with our friends.

Clearly I cannot rely on him to travel with. So, travelling from point to point will be done at our own pace with no regard as to their schedule. Going out of sight 20 kms from the caravan park makes it pointless to trip together.

I want my wife and her friend to spend time together so that will continue. I'll be civil to my now male acquaintance knowing that my full trust in others is risky with him. This is for my own protection not tit for tat.

I've taken on board comments that I would still assist them if they needed it. But I'm tired of the "one way" consideration deal I get with others.

K. I'm not on our motorcycle. We are towing our van I built for this trip.

I thank you all for your kind words. I had no "great expectations" from the post. My problems of sensitivity, obsession and over reaction has been with me forever. It isn't easy to combat them.

The various responses help so much. I don't feel wrong in being hurt/angry. In fact my wife agrees with that. But she won't allow it to effect her friendships.

I've learned that to go on a trip for me we should do it alone. I'm simply not flexible enough to accept others lack of consideration.

As Paul said "common sense isn't that common".

Time is a good healer. In 5 days time we will catch up to them and by then I would be calm enough to portray the previous happy guy.

Thankyou for your support. I was pretty worked up.

Tony WK

[white knight]

My bad...it was JessF not Mrs Dools with devils advocate suggestions.

Tonight I went for a walk. I met an indigenous man sitting on a nature strip. He referred to me as "chappy" which I going amusing.

We talked about his elder who was his uncle. "Arhh uncle yes, that white fella word but yeah chappy my elder my uncle yes". We chatted some more about his life then thanked him and offered appreciation to his elders the traditional owners of the land.

Suddenly my issues about not fully trusting my travelling friend were insignificant.

Diversion, it works so well.

Tony WK

[White_Rose]

Tony, I think this thread sums up life and its difficulties. We start happy and doing something we like, an event happens which causes us pain and trouble and we feel as though the end of the world has come. Then we meet someone or something that changes our whole perspective on the relative importance of life's hiccups. The world gets right side up again, and although the bloom has gone from one area we still have our desire to move on and become what we want.

Although this past couple of weeks has seen the bloom diminish on a couple of things in my life, your post has brought the sunshine back for me.

Many thanks my friend.

Mary

[Neil_1]

Hi there Tony,

Mate you can see straight away how cared for and supported you are on this site – as White Rose said, she was away for a short while and saw this thread with all the posts and thought it must have been days old, but you only put it up yesterday. Such a large reaction from others shows what an awesome person you are and highly regarded you are in our community.

There’s been some great posts above; and I can understand your level of hurt and level of disappointment – and then stemming from that, it’s oh so hard to just let that slide by. We dwell on things (sometimes from far afield), BUT when those things are actually right in our own backyard and happened to us, the inner turmoil caused really does screw us up. I full understand this emotional side of you – I unfortunately have this as well.

I do know of others who could just turn a blind eye to this and think, oh well, it’s happened, no point in being churned up inside about it. Anyway, I think you’ve got my point here.

I’ve posted once and said it and will say it again – on such a journey where you just do not know is around the corner, it should not be too much to ask to stay within eye-sight with each other. I mean, firstly you’re on a holiday, so what is the point of racing ahead; and secondly, by doing such a thing, if something should happen (and it did), then by the other person going on ahead, they have no idea what could be happening way behind.

It could have been any kind of animal way out where you are; that could have gone across the road and caused an accident, which could have been a hell of a lot worse – and thank goodness that wasn’t the issue here. But you never know.

When I read that you said this guy has no mates – I can see why. I have a blood relation ( some would call a brother, but I don’t anymore ) who is very much like this person you speak of – actually he wouldn’t even consider going on a trip with another mate, cause he doesn’t have any. He’s going to live the rest of his life in his own little angry and shitful cocoon – I’m probably stepping too far over the line with regard to this ‘mate’ of yours, but my bottom line is that I’d be having as little to do with this person as possible.

It’s just unfortunate that your wife is good friend’s with his wife.

Cheers mate,

Neil

[Neil_1]

Sorry all, as I never like doing this – 2 posts in a row; but I’ve just remembered another thing that I wanted to comment on.

Tony, you said: “Suddenly my issues about not fully trusting my travelling friend were insignificant.”

Yes, while that may be true, that I consider is like someone saying “Yes, you might be struggling, but there are heaps people worse off than you” (or words to that effect).

I’m not detracting one bit about what the issues would be for that Indigenous man that you spoke to; but he has his. You have yours. Yours are deeply imbedded in you and because of your nature, they are badly affecting you.

So yes, feel empathy for man you spoke to on the nature strip, but when you leave and move on, your issues are still going to be the main focus for you and how you move forward, sideways or backwards.

Sorry, just wanted to make mention of this.

Over and out … for the time being.

[white knight]

Yes I get you Neil.

I'm not criticizing my wife much because we all think differently. But her views are that most people travel alone. It means I had the expectation of relying on this guy to make the trip less insecure.

So I'm moving on and I think I can forgive but not forget.

Tony WK