HI Shanthan
I feel for you so much as you experience the challenges of trying to constructively manage depression. To say such challenges can be tough is definitely an understatement at times. Hopefully Sophie and Geoff have offered some suggestions that may prove to be of great guidance to you.
Was wondering if going back to the beginning means going back to when it all started (in order to make better sense of it) or going back to the beginning of feeling the depression itself, kind of like the feeling of having slipped back down after so much progress.
I'm wondering if you're someone who naturally feels very deeply. If so, being your own detective/analyst/psychologist definitely comes with serious challenges. Feeling every depressing memory can become deeply depressing. With a psychologist having a degree of objectivity, to the point where they can't fully feel another person's experiences, this allows them the freedom to analyse without feelings getting in the way of analysis. I suppose an example would be when they're looking to hit on childhood memories. They may carefully bring memories to light while having a plan to help manage the feelings that come with those memories.
When trying to work out why I feel myself on the brink of depression at times, I find a part of my challenge has involved researching my memories. Trying to figure out where such depressing feelings stem from can include going back to the source. At times I've been prepared for the memories that have come up and at others times I haven't been prepared for certain revelations that have come to mind. Suddenly a depressing memory/revelation may come up which can bring me down, further. In this case the challenge also becomes about making better sense of that situation from long ago. I suppose it's a matter of the more that comes to the surface, the more work there is to do. Many memories come with feelings. To purely observe memories without feeling them so deeply can be a monumental challenge.
Do you ever find that when a depressing memory comes us you're able to suddenly see it from a different perspective? I suppose an example could involve so many people from our past treating us like garbage. While the memories that come with this can be depressing, in recalling all those times what may suddenly come to mind is 'Why was I surrounded by disrespectful inconsiderate people? What leads them to never question their own behaviour? Why am I the only one doing it? Am I more conscious?'.
