Getting married and feeling down, am I normal?

[Meliss]

First off I have to say I have a lot going on.
I am struggling with every day functioning at the moment.
I feel more depressed after covid lockdown than when we were in lockdown. I don't want to go anywhere and I don't want to do anything. I'd rather just lay around all day.
I am due to be married soon, but we have postponed twice already. My friend is trying to talk to me about the wedding and all I can do is be sad. 2 of my family members had covid. My mother in law has alzheimers and is getting worse by the day. I just feel like what's the point of anything. My eating has gone bad. I don't even feel like cooking and I normally love it. 2 of our bridal party are overseas and 1 moved interstate. And on top of all of this I hate my job. I signed up for a class last year, only to find I hated it. So now I'm back at square one. I just want to get a job where I am appreciated. I worked right through covid and it feels like everything is catching up with me now.
I must say I do love my fiancee and it's not him making me feel this way. . He's a beautiful person who I love very much and look forward to being married to.
I'm over it all. What's the point of anything.
What can I do? This is the worst i have felt for a long time.

[Meliss]

I was going much better, now I've had a workplace incident and I'm upset and stressed to the Max.
A coworker randomly started swearing and screaming at me for a mistake I made. I screamed back, and she pushed me in my side. It wasn't hard but she did. I didn't touch her I just got very angry until another coworker calmed me down.
She was screaming at me and had to be held back. Everyone I work with was disgusted in her behaviour.
There's an investigation. I made a statement. Why would I be getting suspended if I did nothing wrong? What do you think?

[therising]

Hi Meliss

What a shocking experience to face. Sounds like you had the support of your co-workers which is good.

I imagine suspension is protocol when it comes to any investigation, something you could look into, esp when it comes to getting paid. How do you feel you're processing it all? Are you surprised my your natural reaction under the circumstances? Kinda like 'Who the heck was that who came out of me in the moment?' Was this out of the blue or did this co-worker show signs beforehand that this was coming - Do you think it was a complete and utter breakdown or does she have a naturally aggressive nature toward everyone? I imagine you're in the process of trying to make sense of it all, including whether to stay.

You've had to tolerate so much over the months. I'm glad you found your fire and stood up to not tolerate such abusive behaviour. It's amazing, the power complete and utter intolerance can give to us at times. Kind of like 'I'VE HAD ENOUGH! I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE ONE MORE THING LYING DOWN! NOW, I'M UP FOR A FIGHT!!!'

Not sure whether you feel the same way but there is one thing I find incredibly hard to tolerate at times and this not being raised by others. I've found it can become depressing to various degrees. This relates to one of the ways I try to manage staying out of depression: There are times where I am conscious enough, when I'm beginning to vibe low, where I ask myself 'Who is raising me?' I know we're meant to be largely responsible for our own feelings and life but, hey, we're communal creatures for good reason. We're here to raise others and be raised by others. For sure, we can raise our self to higher consciousness/greater awareness, new adventures, states of joy and so on but what happens at times when we can't do this, for some reason? That fire inside of us that occasionally roars fiercely under extraordinary circumstances is there to serve us. It's the same fire that can lead us to say to others 'Get your act together, step in and raise me like you have never done before. I NEED IT DESPERATELY!!! Can't you see I need it?!'. Myself, I've done this before on occasion and have been met with 'How do you want/expect me to do it?' It is reasonable to say that our response may be 'If I knew the answer to that, I would be raising myself, without asking for help. So, use your imagination'.

Who do you know with an incredible imagination and ability to guide and even push you, when it comes to making the difference you need?

🙂

[Meliss]

Thank you so much!! I'm more surprised that someone thought that I would put up with that behaviour.
Like nothing happened.
I knew that from the start we didn't vibe and couldn't understand what her problem with me was. I was polite, civil and had this happen once but it was minor compared to this.

I figured it out eventually.
She was jealous of me. I was her manager and just a little older. The thing that sucks is she was actually good at her job and showed great potential to take the next step but she got in her own way.

Now even worse after everything that's happened I feel sad for her.

[Meliss]

The last thing I ever want is for anyone to lose their job but I just can't tolerate the behaviour or she'll keep doing it.

[therising]

Hi Meliss

You sound like a compassionate person, even under circumstances where many would find it impossible to feel compassion/sadness for someone.

Sounds like you know what her challenge was about. Perhaps she perhaps wasn't fully aware, especially when it came/comes to the intensity of it. After this personal wake up call, she has an opportunity to try and make sense of things now. Hoping she takes this opportunity for personal growth and responsibility.

In a team environment, where there are basic standards for the team to play by, nothing outside of the basic standards should be tolerated. It's not fair on the team and it definitely makes life difficult for whoever is managing the team.

🙂

[missep123]

Hi Meliss,

I'm so sorry to hear that has happened, that is truly shocking! I agree with therising you sound like a very compassionate and empathetic person. Unfortunately your coworker made the choice to act that way and there are consequences to that.

How have you been feeling about everything?

[Meliss]

I'm angry. I may be compassionate but at the end of the day I just want to work and make money for my family without problems. That means I don't take crap from anyone.

[therising]

Hi Meliss

You deserve to work freely, without other people's drama coming into play. It can definitely be triggering when we put so much effort into managing our own emotions, even when we feel like exploding, but others don't offer us the same thoughtfulness or effort. It feels kind of like the other person saying 'Okay, I'm not going to manage how I feel, what I'm thinking or what I say. What I'm going to do is leave you with the responsibility'.

Had an incident at work just last night where if I had have let my insane crazy woman self do all the talking or should that be screaming, it would have led to me getting the sack. I could feel myself getting so worked up in regard to a brand new staff member triggering me. You know, when someone's triggering you and you can feel your nervous system going into hyperactivity to the point where your face begins to heat up. Managing to channel some healthy inspiration, the words 'DO NOT GO THERE!' kept coming to mind. Meliss, I wanted to go there. I wanted to vent my crazy woman self but I knew if I let this part of me start venting, I would absolutely go to town on this staff member. That's the kind of effort I'm talking about. Why can't others put that much effort into managing themself?

When I got home and had a venting session, over this incident, with my husband. I managed to calm down and ask myself 'What was that challenge really about?' The answer: It was about managing others while managing myself at the same time. To tell you the truth, I was so busy managing my own emotions, in the process I let that other staff member walk all over me. Lesson learned. While trying to keep my crazy woman self under control, I'd blocked out inspiration. If I had have been paying better attention to the words that came to mind things would not have heated up so much. The words were 'Be firm, be direct and do not back down and don't forget to breath throughout the whole process'. Amazing how our breathing pattern changes without us realising when we're worked up to anger/intolerance.

Interesting part of this story...I finally realised I actually knew this woman. It had been about 20 years since I last saw her. Working in aged care, we wear COVID masks which made it hard to recognise her at first but when she used a certain tone of voice I thought 'I know that voice'. I looked at her name tag and thought 'Oh my god, I know you!' She used to trigger me 20 years ago. She's always had a self righteous overbearing nature.

🙂

[missep123]

Hi Meliss,

I hear you and that feeling is completely valid. How have you been recently?