How to feel happy

[strawb3rry_milk]

I'm 15, on my school holidays right now. Like always, I'm stressed and anxious about going back to school despite getting good grades, having a large net of friends. I don't even know why I'm feeling this way.

I can pinpoint (or at least, remember) the day when this switch swapped in my head and I became deeply unhappy. I don't think I had let the stress of school and the world into my psyche before then. But suddenly I stopped talking as much, stopped contributing in class, making any sort of effort with my friends. I was completely exhausted by everything. Fatally bored all the time. Since then, outwardly at least, I have become a imitation of what I was before; I doubt anyone noticed the shift between old, happy me and new "happy" me, but I certainly feel it. I haven't been happy in so so long.

And last year, I didn't mind so much. Like I know being sad is miserable, but sometimes it was okay. I can't describe it.

But it's gotten to a certain point where I really want to be happy, but cannot figure out how. I'm so weighted down, and there is this incredible pressure in my chest. I'm so tired.

I thought until about ten minutes ago that I was probably being sad for attention. But nobody knows. And in some ways, mental illness is, in my grade, a competition. My friends leave class crying, which is horrible for them and I want them to be okay, but it also means they get a lot of attention (which they need). And I'm always checking in on them. But they never ask me. I have only left class once, sobbing, because of something that I had found out during the lesson. Even then I didn't let them see me cry. I'm incapable of letting them see me cry.

And to make matters worse, a lot of horrifying events have just been uncovered about someone close to me that I don't have the ability to grapple with. I want someone to pull me out of my life and say,"You're okay, you just need a break and then you can go back in a couple months, when you feel better."

I've talked to the councillor but found their explanations too simplistic. Equating everything back to school.

I'm looking for anything, honestly. I just don't know how to live like this anymore.

Thanks for getting this far 🙂

[Sophie_M]

Hi Strawb3rry milk and welcome to the forums!

It sounds like you are having a really tough time these school holidays and we are so sorry to hear that. Stress and anxiety can be really tricky to deal with but reaching out for support is a wonderful and brave first step. Thank you for sharing your story with us here. We have a few suggestions for things you could do next if you feel like it. 

People to call
Kids Helpline is a wonderful resource and you can call them on 1300 55 1800 or try their webchat https://www.kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling.

You can call BeyondBlue on 1300 22 4636 as well or try our webchat up until midnight (it then starts again at 11am) https://online.beyondblue.org.au/WebModules/Chat/InitialInformation.aspx

Things to read
You can also find a heap of information on the BeyondBlue website if you prefer to learn some more about how you are feeling right now 
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/who-does-it-affect/young-people

Forums
You could look for some other stories like yours and join a conversation too if you want to. There is a dedicated section of the forum just for Young People here
 https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/young-people
 
We hope there is something there for you and we really encourage you to keep reaching out to people to help. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Many people have mental or emotional restrictions but they have a caring side at the same time hence why you are a caring person even though you have issues yourself. Your issues, for whatever reason, is more hidden so only the carer side to you gets exposed. That means other classmates dont even know you are struggling inside and by not crying or not confiding in others that is even more reason why they think you are the stronger person.

A prime example of this is the Community Champions here on this forum. We all have mental illness. I have bipolar 2, dysthymia and other issues let alone physical restrictions. Yet here I am answering your post hoping I can get you to improve your situation. Remember, helping others is a magical thing to do. I believe we exist to help other humans.

So certainly continue helping but I think your real problem is lack of help from friends and family because you cant open up to them. For that reason I'd return to that counsellor and keep going back asking questions. Give that counsellor a fair go in trying to connect with you.

Your next step is your GP doctor. He/she can refer you to specialised professionals.

The body and mind undergoes many changes at your age. In time these odd feeling might drift away. But they might not hence seeking more chats with the right people.

TonyWK