from bad to worse

[dazel69]

Hi, i been diagnosed with depression for several years, i was on medication but came off them last year as they weren't making a difference. At the time my depression was only mild. Now its a different story i feel like ive hit rock bottom. I love my wife dearly but our marriage has been struggling over the last 6-12 months its been getting worse. I now find out she has been speaking to someone online for several months (its only that long because i guessed that long I suspect its longer). This has been very personal but she wont tell me how personal or anything and if i ask she gets angry. I was already getting worse before this and i know its my fault it happened but im really struggling every day now. I though i was a strong person but i now cry at the drop of a hat and have more dark thoughts than i would like (only thoughts). It was hard enough dealing with the depression and now this id just making it worse. I know i need help and im in the process of seeking guidance from a counselor but im at a loss. I cant stop thinking about it, i cant sleep, My mood is up and down like a yo-yo. I know she loves me but i feel im shouldering all the blame. Every time i bring it up its okay your going to see a counselor, we will get you better. Im stuck i dont know what to do and im sliding down a slippery slope.

[Pixie15]

Hello dazel69,

Welcome to the beyondblue forums. I am wondering if you may not have realized how much your medication was helping. If your depression has been getting worse since you stopped it might suggest that it was helping you all along.

The relationship your partner is having online may be nothing for you to worry about. I have been contributing on this forum for nearly two years and this is not something that I share with my partner. This is meant to be anonymous so that we can say what we feel. 

If your mood is up and down like a yo-yo then talking about this with your doctor might be a good idea. Counselling may help you but some people need medication as well. 

Also you might want to have a look at the Black Dog Institute site where they have information and a test to help you understand if your mood changes may be an indication of a bipolar condition.

If you find those dark thoughts are getting harder to dismiss please ring the helpline here and talk to someone about. This is what I would do.

Please let me know if any of what I have written here is helpful at all.

thanks,

Christine.

[dazel69]

thankyou christine that helps. i saw my gp last night and he has me on medication now with some guidance and tips to help me through. he also organising a phsyciatrist to help me too. i feel a little bettet today. the relationship my wife has started unfortunately was more.than just some forum discussions if you know what i mean. im finding it tough because not only she found found someone bit i was left on my own to deal with it. i know i caused it all and my depression was too much for her. i still feel like i have to take all the resposibilty and she wont share. i have taken steps to fix myself and i just need ti be stronger.

[Pixie15]

Hi dazel69,

Glad you are getting some help. Can understand your frustration with the situation with your wife I think. If your wife is blaming your depression for her doing the wrong thing I do not think that is fair. I do not think you need to take responsibility for causing it all. Although I am not sure if I know what you mean by the relationship your wife is having online being very personal. 

Is your wife being supportive of you now that you are trying to get some help? I know from experience it can be more difficult if you have people around you who are not understanding.

cheers.

Christine.

[dazel69]

thanks christine. i cant help but blame myself  if i wasnt the way i was this may never ga6ve hapened. im travelling better today after a weekend away with my family and she ia being very supportive. and wh5ule she has said sorry for what happened its only when i talk about it im still waiting for the moment where she truly cones to me and puts her arms around me and tells me without me prompting.. she says she has ended the other stuff and i keep being reminded  of trust but i dont know and its eating me up. i still feel all theweight on my shoulders though and my actions dont seem returned. but im better today and thats not really on my mind i have given myself some rules to follow to help.me on my way. on my own today without her so its going to be tough but am determined to beat this one day at a time  first time in a long time i haven't had a morning cry so either im doing the right thing or the medication is doing its job. thank you fir your support it helps

[Pixie15]

Hi dazel69,

Thanks for responding. It can be exhausting at times trying to work out the right and wrong in a situation. Although I do not think that your partner can expect trust as an automatic right. It is one thing to forgive someone another to start trusting them again. 

The last thing I ever do for myself is make rules. I have a very contrary nature. If I want to change something about myself I try to choose positive things to do rather than trying to stop the negative. 

Christine.

[dazel69]

Thanks Christine, the trust part is an issue and is a constant discussion. I dont know whether she thinks that there was nothing in it or whether she is trying to justify it but it just cant be discussed. My GP suggested just let it go and win her back. There was nothing sexual in it it was just talk, but it was the fact that she could build this trust with someone else and talk about every day things about her life her goals her problems but left me on my own. She knew I was struggling but just left me, i have no friends outside our marriage and no family to talk to. I feel so betrayed and its just skimmed over and im let to hold it all again. I know dealing with my depression been tough on her, I really do, I know im a handfull, but I also know im a good man. I really dont think she understands what im going through. I wish she would talk to me but she wont which makes me think is it still happening and when this all blows over it can continue, she assures me its not but i just dont know.  This though is just the icing on the cake and is just really a manifestation of all my other demons I still need to face. Ill just leave it that my mother and father were heavily involved in a christian based religion and will say no more. I am so looking forward to my phsyciatrist visit so i can face these head on. Im determined to get the real me back!

[JessF]

Hello Dazel, I think you have identified something there that will be very important to your future wellbeing regardless of what happens with your marriage: that you say you have no friends outside of it.

It's not healthy or realistic to rely on only one person in our lives for all of our emotional and social support, even if that person is your spouse. Despite what gets pushed on us all the time by popular culture that everyone needs an "other half" and a "soul mate", human beings just don't work like that. 

The old saying is that it takes a village to raise a child, well I believe it goes well beyond childhood. We need solid connections all around us, and perhaps now might be a good time to think about how you can start developing some social networks and friendships outside of your marriage. Perhaps re establish links with some of the old friends you have lost touch with?

[dazel69]

thanks jess your right. while i do have friend they are not close  and definitely not people.i c oi uld talk.to.like.that. its all to.do.with demons of past and you.would probably understand if you knew the whe story. what happened has scarred me and stopped me from being able to form bonds that could help me. his is something ivev carried dor ovwr 30 years and am now ready to face it. as for our marriage we are working through this and there arw good signs. my wife is a beautiful person and i have neglected her well being while im like this. i have lots of work to do and am detetmined to see it through. i want to be happy ive been sad for far too long and its only now i realise how long its really been. 

[JessF]

Thats wonderful that you're in a place where you realise what you need to do to move forward.

Just remember though, not every friend or person in your life has to be someone that you can pour out your deepest darkest secrets too. Sometimes the best people in our lives are people that just share interests, hobbies and keep us reminded of what we love about life rather than keeping us lingering on the past.