I thought my depression was gone but now i'm not to sure

losttraveller · ‎02-04-2015

A few years ago my mum passed away suddenly and it left me in a state of shock, anxiety and depression. For a year I was really mentally unwell, no motivation, lost my orientation, couldn't do daily tasks, numb to the world and very very sad. I then practiced meditation and mindfulness, this gave me the strength to atleast live a normal life but i still felt imbalanced, so i was medicated. It was the help i needed. I was on the medication for a year and then felt like i was ready to come off them. I was able to live off them happily. It has been a year since ive taken them or suspected i needed them. But recently I have moved away from my family and friends and don't know anyone except for my boyfriend. I have made new friends but they aren't like my ones at home. I now spend most of the day alone and find myself thinking too deeply into life, i find myself not having motivation, i find myself sometimes just wanting to cry. I called a help line because i really needed someone to talk to, i asked her if i should take my medication again and she said that its a decision i should make myself. i decided that i should, but when i tried to find them they are lost. now i have a little anxiety knowing that i dont have my medication there for the 'just incase' times. I'm not sure if i am depressed because i feel like a smoldering flame of sadness rather than the blazing fire of sadness i felt before. But i do know i don't feel happy most days. I'm not sure if its homesickness and loneliness, lack of familiarity and support or if i'm just mentally weak and can't handle life as easily as others seem to. I'm not sure what to do. i do feel like my mind isn't chemically balanced because i don't feel chemically balanced. Can anyone offer any advice? I don't have anyone to talk to about it that will understand.

TheSteve · ‎02-04-2015

Hi LT,

I'm sorry about your mum, that is a really tough break. You are an incredibly strong, brave, and courageous person dealing with the loss of your mum the way you have. To experience depression, find your way out of it and make a recovery, that is really quite an accomplishment. Relapse is part of the recovery process, so don't be too hard on yourself just because you feel down or depressed at times.

Your statement about possibly being "mentally weak" is completely wrong. As a matter of fact, prior to reading this part of your story I noticed the strength in your character. This notion of weakness is incorrect and you can let this go.

The fact is, you have undertaken a big change in your life recently. Moving away from your family, away from a stable and comfortable situation, can definitely bring about feelings of depression, anxiety, and sadness. Given you have experienced these feelings prior, and associate them with your mother's passing, of course, this is going to be a scary thing for you to go through. The feelings will naturally bring your mind back to a very difficult time in your life.

This is why it is important to stay in touch with your support group, speak to your doctor, and use the helpline or Beyondblue/a counseling service etc. to help you through and remind you that a) you are OK, b) it is normal to be feeling these feelings given the change you have recently undertaken, c) it is normal to relate these feelings back to a prior time in your life, and d) just as you did before, you will come through this period stronger, more knowledgeable. You will find your path.

Try to minimize the change if you can. Visit home often, keep an eye on your situation, see a doctor and get some new medication and keep it as a back-up if you need to. Normalize your situation so you can find comfort here, just as you had before.

We are here for you anytime, please come back and talk to us as much as you need to.

Steve