Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

The last few months have been somewhat confusing as I have discovered more about my mental / physical health and how it has all been connected. I had not put the pieces together, I am not sure why, it seems so obvious now.

I have dealt with Dysthymia since about 12 and Major Depression since about 14 but was not diagnosed until my 40s and had no idea that had been the problem all along. I knew I wasn't like everyone else but thought I was just born that way. Back then mental health was not a subject that was openly discussed and the signs mostly went unrecognised and untreated. I had about 10 years of talk therapy with a social worker that helped immensely.

I have had a sensitive digestive system for a good portion of my life, not so much that I sought treatment, just things like indigestion with certain foods, bloating and the like. I suppose I thought everyone had those types of issues.

I have also had nervous system reactions over the past 15 years, like involuntary shaking in certain situations, that I had put down to getting older and being less resilient having been through a lot of difficult challenges.

I have been seeing a psychotherapist who also does somatic work (turns out you were right mmmekitty, I did need some more help). The first session of somatic work, in this case EFT (tapping), brought up a deep and long standing belief that I did not deserve to be helped. The emotions were buried so deep that I was not even aware of them. After that session things went haywire physically for a few days and took some weeks to start to settle.

Being the type of person who needs to have an understanding of what is happening and why, I have been reading many books on the symptoms I have had. That is when I began to join the dots about how interconnected by mental and physical health actually were. It has required a lot of processing on my part, and an acknowledgement of what I have been consciously unaware of, but it has been necessary to finding a way forward. This will be an ongoing journey as new symptoms show up that need to be looked at.

I know now that there is a lot of unreleased trauma in my body that is a contributing factor in not healing mentally or physically and I know now what needs to be done to improve. There is only so much that the medical profession can do, I believe the rest of the responsibility lies with us in digging deeper to find the causes and the answers. In many ways, that in itself becomes empowering.

Take care all.

indigo

[Croix]

Dear ER wiht a wave to Indogo

I"m looking forward to your story  - no pressure:)

I enjoyed writing them and Gruffud (English is Griffith) used to say it brought it all back to him -some good some bad. I was lucky as my memories of htere are all good.

Having childhood memories can mean a lot, even my tiny kerosene brass lamp by my bed (no electricity in my room) brings happy thoughts.

I think if you send over any penguins I'll keep them to gnaw on rather than hospital food (guaranteed to keep you in hospital). Got to go back in in a while, they have put it off once already -sigh.

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Croix and wave to indigo,

 I spent so much time here today in conversations I haven’t gotten the story yet, but I will write it tomorrow. 

I’m really glad you have those good memories of Wales. I look forward to having a look through some of your stories. I enjoyed reading about the tiny kerosene brass lamp by your bed and how that brings happy thoughts 🙂 Those memories are precious aren’t they. I could imagine it in my mind even though I haven’t seen the one you had. If I went to the UK I think I’d spend the bulk of it in Wales and Scotland because they feel are bit more wild and I’m drawn to those places of my ancestors.

Sleep well Croix and indigo 🙏😴

[Eagle Ray]

Hello again Croix,

I’m still awake, I think because it’s so incredibly hot here. I meant to say, I’m sorry you have to go back to the hospital and that they have put it off too. Yes, you might need some tasty penguins. Or perhaps the penguins can bring you some delicious clams. I do hope the food may improve this time round and that it was just the short-staffed Christmas/New Year period that made it particularly unappetising.

As this hot weather is keeping me awake, and fluffy cat too poor thing, I may as well go over to the happy memories thread and write my story now.

Hugs,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Croix and indigo,

Croix, I have just started the early posts of the Happy Memories thread and read your lovely description of bringing Sumo home. So delightful reading of him going from timid to his royal highness. I just read an absolutely lovely descriptive post from Gruffud after that. I will in the evenings endeavour to read some of these posts before bed. It’s comforting to read of memories that have given other people comfort.

indigo, I read somewhere in another post today about how your beloved cat helped you not give up and stay connected. They are so incredibly special aren’t they. I’m looking after a fluffy cat at the moment and we’ve just been having afternoon cuddle time. She was purring into my ear 😂

Hugs,

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER and Croix,

I have a bit of catching up to do.

It sounds like you have done quite a lot of research on your ancestors ER, I had not heard of the tribes you mentioned. Have you thought of having a DNA test done through Ancestry?

I was working on my family tree for quite a while until I moved. The info online was beginning to dry up at that stage but a lot of stuff has been added since then so I will get back to it at some point. My mum's side is all English so that side is pretty easy, but my dad's side is Scottish, Irish, English, Chinese and one of my Great Grandmothers is from Wales but I wasn't able to find anything on her at the time so I don't know how far back the Welsh line goes. I found out an awful lot in the time I spent on the trees, it will be very interesting if I can take it further with the new info available.

I hope you can find a way to have that conversation with your brother, some things just need to be said eventually. Setting boundaries does help with curbing some of the worst behaviour. I can understand your need to do it compassionately, that's just who you are.

The thing I want to stress to you is that to shift the anger you have held onto for all these years, at some point you are going to have to get angry. How you do that could be using a punching bag, going out into the middle of nowhere and voicing all your anger, there are many ways you could do it, but until you do, I think you will continue to be dealing with the liver disease. It is such a big relief when you know you have unloaded it so I hope you can find a way to do that in the not too distant future.

Unfortunately, there is only one naturopath here who managed to get on the wrong side of me on my first visit. I can't afford to do any testing but I will chat with my doctor when I see him in a couple of weeks. He is one of the good ones so may have some input on what's happening with my gut. I have considered leaky gut but the symptoms are similar to a number of other things so it's hard to know. It does seem less unhappy when I eat steamed vegies so perhaps I will stick to that for a while and see if corrects itself.

When are you off to hospital Croix? (you may be there already) I hope all goes well for you, I will check on you in a few days to see how you are. By the way, you never need to try to stay on topic with us, you are welcome to talk to us anytime about anything.

I am so glad you get time with fluffy cat, they are amazing animals and I used to love the purring in the ear, it tickles like mad but it is such a beautiful comforting sound. My girl would purr me to sleep and then just when I was almost completely out, she would lick my face and make me jump, so we had to start over again. She probably snuck in those licks when I was fast asleep the cheeky girl. I miss having her company and unconditional love.

I hope you are both having a good day.

Sleep well, hugs to both,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear indigo and Croix,

 I would like to do one of those Ancestry tests. They go way back apparently so it probably would identify if I have a genetic heritage link to western Siberia/the Eurasian steppe. It was an article I read on the Welsh language that stated quite definitively that the Welsh are related to the Ket going back a very long way. I’ve tried to find more specific info but all I can find is general info of people migrating from Western Siberia to Eastern Europe to Western Europe. There are also links between the Welsh and the Basques, the Basques thought to be related to pre-Celtic European populations. This Welsh/Basque link has an association with the Iberian Peninsula where there is a very ancient association with migration from the Eurasian steppe, but there’s little connection now between the populations of those regions. I also saw a documentary that said the taller Welsh are Celtic but the shorter people with high cheek bones are descended from pre-Celtic Stone Age people. I’m definitely of the latter and was taller than four of my dad’s sisters who were all under 5 feet. Your dad’s side is an interesting mix. My friend’s little girl who I’ve been spending time with is an interesting mix of Chinese, Dutch and Irish. We are absolutely all related on this planet.

Yes, it’s very true that anger needs expression. It has been coming out including absolutely screaming in my car in recent months, absolute pure rage saying exactly what I think to people who have abused me. I’ve also kicked a box around the house, thrown a cushion into the couch repeatedly and screamed into the wind at the ocean. For years I absorbed abuse feeling unable to fight back and it was so toxic to me. I had immediate physiological improvements after the screaming episodes but I know there’s still more to come out. I woke this morning from a dream where I am losing it at my brother. His response in the dream was quite arrogant and deflective. However, in real life I think he’d actually burst into tears if confronted so directly. That’s what happened with previous partners who eventually got frustrated and angry with him. He started epic crying and had massive breakdowns. After these breakdowns he has completely closed emotionally again and returns to how he was before. I’ve tried so hard to help him and work with him and had a bit of a breakthrough in 2018 during a breakdown episode where he actually shared his emotional world with me openly for the first time. He can’t normally speak it. It only lasted an extremely short time though. But since being with his current partner he’s really become more and more like her and quite nasty at times. Those tendencies were there before but have been amplified. It’s a form of emotional avoidance and he knows it as he describes himself as emotionally avoidant. However, the nasty edge hasn’t come out since I’ve been assertive with him in recent weeks.

Naturopaths vary enormously and some do entirely guess work while ones like my naturopath will only make decisions from evidence. He has been so thorough too. I think my first session with him was about an hour and a half and the first thing he asked was “do you know anything about when you were born?” He took the most thorough life history and has based all treatment plans on microbiome lab work. If you do have intestinal permeability you will most likely have high zonulin as I did. There are prebiotics, probiotics and other supplements that can heal it. Mine healed in 3 months and the bacterial overgrowth I had was fully healed in about 6 months I think it was. It balanced my liver readings which none of the prescriptions given by the two liver specialists I’ve seen have been able to do. It’s incredibly frustrating the microbiome testing is not covered under Medicare. I think it may be in the future as mainstream medicine begins to realise how central it is to many health issues.

That’s so lovely your gorgeous girl would purr you to sleep, and funny at the same time licking you to wake you up again 😂 Fluffy cat and I have naps together and she usually sleeps next to me at night as well. She’s a dear little being. I had a panic earlier this afternoon when I couldn’t find her for a while but she was just in one of her very good hidey spots. She likes to put herself in small spaces.

Croix I hope you are going well and your hospital visit goes smoothly.

I hope you are both having a lovely evening ✨🤗

Hugs,

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

I hope you are having a good week.

I am really glad you have been finding some creative ways to release your anger, kicking a box around would be very satisfying without damaging anything. I imagine it would not look much like a box afterwards 😄.

I used to go to a naturopath when I was in Melbourne for quite some time. When I found one here, I was really pleased. The problem is that her attitude was really off putting to me, she was pushy and didn't really listen. I don't respond well to that type of person so I never went back. My gut has been a bit better this week with just having steamed vegies, so maybe it will settle down a bit if I am on that diet for a while. Plenty of prebiotics in vegies and I get probiotics from the coconut and other yoghurts I make.

Are you still spending time with fluffy cat? I love that you have naps together, they are always in the mood for a nap. My girl was really quite clever in that she learned to understand what I was saying over time. When she was young I would play a game with her where I scrunched up a piece of paper into a ball shape (she loved the sound of the paper being scrunched) and I would say "are you ready". She looked at my hand then looked at my face and I would say it again, "are you ready" to which she relied with the cutest sound as if to say "ready". I would throw it in the air and she would leap up to catch it and knock it around with her paws until it disappeared under a piece of furniture and we would have to start over. There were many words she understood and would talk to me a lot until she started becoming unwell. She really was a delightful companion. And yes, they have several favorite locations they like to sleep in. There would be a favourite for a week or two and then it would change to a new one and the original one would be on the backburner for a couple of months while she tried out some new locations. They really are creatures of habit and like to have a space or spaces they can call their own when they want some alone time. Just like us when you think about it.

I checked in with Croix, he won't be in hospital until early March.

Enjoy the rest of your evening ER.

Hugs,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Hello indigo,

Yes, the anger release really works. Stuff really shifts, changes and releases in my body. It's very interesting!

I really understand about the naturopath. I don't feel comfortable with pushy people either. It's very frustrating when they're not actually listening to you and making fast assumptions about what you should be doing before they've actually connected with and understood you. I feel very fortunate my naturopath really listens and is highly collaborative. It is like solving a mystery together and it has given me encouragement when I have found mainstream medical encounters so demoralising. Yes, prebiotics and probiotics are great! I'm on both at the moment and they've been super helpful. I love that you make your own yoghurt 😀 I had a housemate who did that.

I have returned from petsitting so I'm no longer with fluffy cat. I loved hearing about your girl and the scrunched paper game. I agree, I think they can be much more intelligent than we often realise and they certainly have conversations with us. Fluffy cat is definitely telling me things at times. Sometimes when she's outside at night it has seemed like she is talking to a spirit in the dark, as she'll start meowing to thin air. Then when I let her back in she has the zoomies. She'll dash behind the couch, then she'll come out pouncing like a kitten, then she'll run to another room under the bed, then she'll dash out of there, and so on. She settles fairly quickly but there's a few minutes of hyperactivity. Your girl sounds similar with the hidey places. Fluffy cat varies them too with favourite spots at different times.

Thanks for letting me know about Croix. Hello dear walrus if you are reading this 👋😀

I hope you've had a lovely evening. It will be the early hours of the morning for you now but just past 10pm here.

Hugs 🤗

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

My girl used to have a case of zoomies after using the litter tray until she got older. It's really amusing to see their antics when they are in one of those moods. I loved what I call the 'crab hop' which always made me laugh.

When I was in my 30s, I did a lot of temp work and one of the assignments was for the Cat Protection Society. One day a Female with her 4 two week old kittens were surrendered in a tall plastic laundry basket. I picked them up one by one and put them into a proper carry basket to wait for their vet check. When I got to the last kitten, I went to pick her up and she put her paw up and spat at me as if to say "don't you come any closer". I couldn't believe that one so small could be so brave. I stood up and with a laugh said "I'm so scared". When I did pick her up she realised I wasn't going to hurt her and I put her in with the others.

After the vet checked them she informed me that there were no foster homes available and without one they would have to be put to sleep, they are too vulnerable to illness at that age to stay at the shelter. So of course I volunteered to foster them. Just me, 1 beautiful exhausted mother and 4 energetic kittens running and jumping everywhere for the next 6 weeks. It really was a lot of fun to watch them grow. That kitten became my constant companion for 14 years and never lost that bold spirit. Along with her, I had one of her sisters who was the opposite, timid and gentle, she was a little bit more of a loner at times but was always loving and would always be right beside me at night, she lived for 16 years.

I have such lovely memories of all of them and look forward to being reunited with them all someday.

Hope you are having a lovely day.

hugs,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo,

That is such a lovely story 🥰 It’s so interesting their different natures isn’t it and how the bold kitten had a naturally bold spirit that stayed with her. It’s lovely how the timid one liked to be close at night too. I’m glad they had you to care for them.

Fluffy cat is 12 this year and I think I’ve just started to notice her show a little hesitancy with some things like jumping up onto the couch. Like she isn’t quite as agile as she was. But when she is in zoomies mode she really seems like a kitten 😹

The memories are very special aren’t they. They are beautiful little beings to have had in our lives.

I hope you’re having a lovely day too ☺️🤗

Hugs,

ER