Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

The last few months have been somewhat confusing as I have discovered more about my mental / physical health and how it has all been connected. I had not put the pieces together, I am not sure why, it seems so obvious now.

I have dealt with Dysthymia since about 12 and Major Depression since about 14 but was not diagnosed until my 40s and had no idea that had been the problem all along. I knew I wasn't like everyone else but thought I was just born that way. Back then mental health was not a subject that was openly discussed and the signs mostly went unrecognised and untreated. I had about 10 years of talk therapy with a social worker that helped immensely.

I have had a sensitive digestive system for a good portion of my life, not so much that I sought treatment, just things like indigestion with certain foods, bloating and the like. I suppose I thought everyone had those types of issues.

I have also had nervous system reactions over the past 15 years, like involuntary shaking in certain situations, that I had put down to getting older and being less resilient having been through a lot of difficult challenges.

I have been seeing a psychotherapist who also does somatic work (turns out you were right mmmekitty, I did need some more help). The first session of somatic work, in this case EFT (tapping), brought up a deep and long standing belief that I did not deserve to be helped. The emotions were buried so deep that I was not even aware of them. After that session things went haywire physically for a few days and took some weeks to start to settle.

Being the type of person who needs to have an understanding of what is happening and why, I have been reading many books on the symptoms I have had. That is when I began to join the dots about how interconnected by mental and physical health actually were. It has required a lot of processing on my part, and an acknowledgement of what I have been consciously unaware of, but it has been necessary to finding a way forward. This will be an ongoing journey as new symptoms show up that need to be looked at.

I know now that there is a lot of unreleased trauma in my body that is a contributing factor in not healing mentally or physically and I know now what needs to be done to improve. There is only so much that the medical profession can do, I believe the rest of the responsibility lies with us in digging deeper to find the causes and the answers. In many ways, that in itself becomes empowering.

Take care all.

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Hi indigo,

Thank you so much for your suggestions re: past lives, quantum healing etc. I'm interested in all those things too. I'm glad you are really finding some interesting links and possibilities. The one challenge for me in relation to some approaches is managing CPTSD. For example, a few people have recommended Joe Dispenza to me. I've watched plenty of videos, interviews with him etc. But I can't feel a connection with my experience. I then saw an interview with him where he described an idyllic childhood with parents who always supported him and his brother, encouraged them to be creative etc. He also said that he was an adult before he understood that other people experience suffering. He has had his single incident trauma of his bike accident, but beyond that his world is alien to mine. My childhood was like the complete opposite - full of fear. I also was acutely aware of other people's suffering from my earliest memories. I read an account of a woman who went to one of his workshops. She had experienced childhood trauma and abuse. On the first day she went quite quickly into a severely traumatised state, remained that way throughout then had a massive breakdown afterwards. She was wracked with fatigue and pain and had to quit her job and ended up in bed for 6 months. After that point she slowly started to recover and thought maybe she was beginning to get some belated benefit.

I think what I'm trying to say is when you start delving into the quantum field and you have complex trauma it can actually be extremely precarious. I think that's why I have oriented more to smaller-scale things with people who have either direct experience of complex trauma themselves or extensive experience working with people with complex trauma. So I did a course last year that I think I mentioned previously with the medical doctor also trained as a shaman who sang healing songs that are a form of medicine and I experienced profound altered states and some deep healing. But it was in a small group setting with trauma-informed people. I also did a workshop earlier this year with him again and three other practitioners. One of them sang a traditional icaro that moved me so much. She is a practitioner with CPTSD herself and there is a profound gentleness and awareness there. I am planning to ask her if she can sing to me in relation to the grief that's still affecting me in relation to my mother. My intuition tells me she is the right person to ask.

So I think I am interested in the same things as you but I am just having to be very selective about the path I follow and people whose approaches I try to work with. I think Joe Dispenza is sincere in what he is doing and I know some people have gotten great benefit doing his meditations and going to his workshops. I think what he is teaching is essentially his own form of what has been practised for millennia in indigenous cultures working with altered states and the spiritual realm to effect healing. But some of his model doesn't fit CPTSD. For example, he is strongly focussed on creating a positive future reality by releasing yourself from past programs of thought - to no longer see through the lens of the past. This makes sense. But with complex trauma there is a different kind of challenge. Those of us with early CPTSD, especially with strong annihilation fears, have spent our whole lives dissociated and therefore not inhabiting ourselves. There is actually a process you have to go back through where you allow yourself to feel and know your experiences that you detached from in order to begin a grieving and healing process. You actually need the lens of the past because you were absent from it. It is so much more nuanced and involved than Joe Dispenza's model and there are more steps involved. That's why I'm very drawn to Peter Levine who like me had the fear of utter annihilation and obliteration from birth. He understands the steps involved and the gradual nature of it. When that annihilation fear exists, you have to provide a particular kind of safe space for someone with complex trauma to actually be able to effect any meaningful change and avoid harm. I've gradually learned to sense into what is a safe holding space vs what might not be for the vulnerabilities I have.

Sorry, going to run over word limit. Will add paragraph reply to your last post... Hugs xx

[Eagle Ray]

And just finally I wanted to say...

I saw a fascinating documentary on a young Scottish boy who experienced a past life that he began to recall from the age of two in considerable detail about coming from an island and a particular other family. The island was Barra in Scotland and many of his knowings/past life memories were able to be later verified in relation to real things and people on the island even though his current family had not been there and had no connection with it. The film is on YouTube and is called The Boy Who Lived Before. It may be that on my own journey I begin to uncover such things myself. At the moment I am more aware of specific ancestral trauma that has been passed down with undoubtedly an epigenetic component and I'm working towards healing those things. I'd be interested to hear how you go with any of the things you try. Thanks for the message about the videos. I did get to watch the Sue Morter one which was definitely very interesting. I can see how she is working with energy in a really dynamic way. I probably won't get to watch anymore but will see how I go tomorrow. I hope you're having a lovely weekend and always happy to chat.

Hugs,

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

I can understand your need to pick and choose healing methods, I wasn't really suggesting you try any of the things I mentioned, was more talking about stuff I am curious about trying.

When What the bleep came out, I found myself instantly drawn to what Joe Dispenza had to say, almost like a magnet, so I knew I needed to delve into what he was talking about. I think you are right that what he is teaching is not new, but a lot Westerners have been in the dark about many of the Eastern and indigenous methods and I think he has a persona that many are drawn to.

I will have a look for that YouTube video you mentioned. I had this amusing thought that the new generation of TV shows will be things like, This is your past-life and Who do you think you were.

Keeping this fairly short tonight because I spent nearly 3 hours working in the garden today and I'm a bit worn out, I got quite a lot done though.

I hope you had a lovely weekend, will talk again soon,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Hi indigo,

Yes, I think it's important to follow whatever you are drawn to. I've had a few people try to push in me in the direction of Joe Dispenza, but I have an adverse reaction in my body and know his approach doesn't fit for me. He speaks of needing to use the mind to "defy the body" and "overcome the body". With complex trauma you have been fragmented and divided against yourself your whole life, and so I have found that defying my body just increases that fragmentation. In a sense with complex trauma you've always been defying the body and actually need to do the reverse. With Peter Levine's approach it is all about working gently with the body, not defying it. I think what happens with complex trauma from my own experience, is that as you allow the body to be and do what it needs to do, the kinds of spiritual experiences Joe Dispenza is talking about naturally emerge. But for him it has been more a case of the persistent meditation practice to bring up those same experiences. He hasn't had the complex trauma processes in his body to work through. Instead he had a specific traumatic injury as an adult which is a different dynamic. But at the end of the day, it's coming to the same source. So I get something out of his approach, but I have to do it differently than his methodology.

I think you would find the documentary on YouTube about the boy in Scotland really interesting. The child psychiatrist who appears in it, Jim Tucker, has made it his life's work to try to understand the experiences of past lives that are often evident in young children who usually lose the connection by the age of 6. But up until that age there are many documented cases now of children knowing detailed information about a past life that is later verified but could not have been known by the young child based on anything from their life so far. Someone whose work I find really interesting is that of evolutionary biologist Rupert Sheldrake and his idea of 'morphic resonance'. He understands there to be a morphic field in which there is a collective memory, and I wonder about these ideas in relation to consciousness and past lives.

As you've got me interested in past lives, I just watched an interview with Jim Tucker on the Psychology Podcast with Scott Barry Kaufman. Scott told a story of being aged 3 when he suddenly had this profound memory of being an old man. That reminded me of an experience I had. I used to fairly regularly attend sound healing sessions during which I would go on altered state journeys in the form of waking dreams. In one of those I saw my body rising out of the body of a dying elderly man. It was not traumatic or anything. He was just lying in a bed and he looked exactly like the same old man who had come to me as a wise guide in a dream years earlier at a pivotal time in my life. I followed his guidance from that dream in my actual life and it led to a good outcome with a life choice. I wonder if that elderly man is like a past life for me? At the time I understood him as an intrapsychic component of my own consciousness, not necessarily a past life, but now I wonder.

I am on the mailing list of Anita Moorjani who you may know of. I got an email 2 days ago about an in-person spiritual retreat she is doing with Sue Morter, Bruce Lipton and Gregg Braden. Obviously you need to be in the US to attend, but I just thought you would be interested to know about that combination of people and there might be something that comes out of it later such as a recording or publication. I have two of Anita Moorjani's books, Dying to Be Me and Sensitive is the New Strong which I found both really good to read.

I'm glad you had that time in the garden. It can feel really good after spending time out amongst the plants in the fresh air. I hope you sleep well tonight.

Hugs,

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

I can't believe how long ago you wrote this and that I have not yet replied. I was still stick in grief for my girl at the time and the forums have been pretty busy so far this year. But I wanted to take some time out to connect with you one to one again.

The story of the young boy in Scotland was interesting, it's a pity they were not able to completely join the dots but they did come close. Past lives is a fascinating subject which I am quite drawn to. I have read Anita's Dying to be Me, which I liked, but was put off with her second book which I returned. Love Bruce Lipton though, I saw a video lecture of his many years ago when he first started coming on the scene and his concepts that came out of his research were, at that time, quite out of the ordinary. I also like Gregg Braden, have a video of his and like listening to his talks.

I am currently reading a trilogy of books on a girl named Christina, who would be about 25yo now, who was born with multidimensional connection and knowing that has remained with her. She is able to see the world as a multidimensional being, is in constant connection with other multidimensional beings and has knowledge far beyond that of current science. I am almost at the end of book 2 at present and I am finding these books really interesting and thought provoking. It is almost as if I already know some of the things she talks about at some level but have just forgotten because it doesn't seem far fetched to me. If you are interested in looking them up, each title begins with her name Christina and then the subtitle "twins born as light", "the vision of good", "consciousness creates peace". The first two are written by her mother Bernadette von Dreien and the third is written by Christina von Dreien.

I have taken on the garden in a more determined way, gradually getting the right tools to make the job easier. Like they say "work smarter, not harder" 😅. I have had to learn pretty fast and as it turns out, when it comes to gardening, I seem to be a quick study thank goodness.

What has been happening with you these past few months? How did the visit from your brother go?

Please catch me up on your health and whatever else you would like to talk about.

Hugs,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear indigo,

I felt a sort of affinity with the Scottish boy as I have ancestors from the Isle of Skye which is not that far from the Isle of Barra. I’ve always wanted to go there and explore those places. I have read two of Anita Moorjani’s books, Dying to Be Me and Sensitive is the New Strong, both which I liked. But I’m guessing the one you’re referring to might be What if This is Heaven? I haven’t read that one.

I just had a bit of a look online for info on Christina and she seems really interesting. I found a quote by her I really liked which was about how if we are not following our soul’s plan we will often become unwell for a period of time with an illness, which slows us down and makes us rest in order to become aligned with our soul again. It’s like an encouragement and impetus to rearrange our life. I certainly feel that I went down paths that were out of alignment with my true soul nature in the past and each time it has resulted in an illness and being forced to confront aspects of myself and my life. I was trying to be aligned with what was actually right for me but the pathways I took turned out to be the wrong ways of achieving that. I will have more of an exploration of Christina’s work.

I hope I wasn’t too negative about Joe Dispenza. I know many get a huge amount from his work. I just get this strong aversion and visceral reaction to something in his approach and when I hear him speak. I should probably read one of his books, perhaps Becoming Supernatural, as it will just be text and maybe I won’t get a reaction to that. My psych is into his work. I think it was people in the past who were really obsessively into him trying to convince me, combined with something in his approach that felt like it didn’t see or understand my kind of experience, that caused an aversion. Perhaps as I keep healing his work will be easier for me to engage with. I think it’s partly his style of presentation which is a bit like an evangelical faith healer that makes me uneasy as well, but I think I will try to read at least one of his books.

It’s great you are taking on your garden in a more determined way! You know you are serious when you are buying the extra tools. I am hoping to get similarly inspired with my garden that I feel I only tend to in a piecemeal way. It’s satisfying to develop new skills and have a project.

I ended up telling my brother I didn’t want a visit at the moment. It became very clear that that was the right decision. I listen to how my body responds now and I know it doesn’t get it wrong. While I enjoy seeing him on one level it’s always deeply troubling on another and at the moment I need space from that troubling feeling. I’m learning to assert my needs rather than acquiesce to someone else’s wishes.

My health has improved as far as the histamine intolerance goes. I’m getting good support from the naturopath. My hormones have really dropped again hence I’m a teary, despairing mess on many days. But I still haven’t sunk as low as I was a year ago. The hormone specialist gave me a script for one of the hormones again that may be helpful on its own but I’m currently exploring possible issues it may have related to bile flow and the liver condition I have. I’ve changed liver meds too.

I’ve really clarified my liver issues which I’ve identified are repressed anger, loneliness and self-hate. My psych asked me last time about asking my liver what it’s trying to tell me. I can really sense that these are my core issues that were deeply repressed but have been there from early childhood. Anger was not safe to express, I was dissociated in a way that I didn’t understand I was lonely and, while I was sort of aware of the self-hate, I had adapted to the world with a relentless positivity to try to override it.

How is your health indigo and how have you been going with your inner processing?

Hugs to you too 💖

ER

[indigo22]

Good to talk with you again ER,

I have Scottish ancestors too, in my case from Ayrshire and Argyll, then later from Glasgow on my dad's side. I have often thought I would like to see Scotland too. But it won't be in this life time, way out of my budget.

Yes, that was the book by Anita that put me off. It's funny how something like that can change your perspective. I totally respect your intuition ER, so no problem at all that you are not into Joe Dispenza. I know we are not always going to be reading the same authors as our experiences are different, which means our tastes will be different at times and I am perfectly ok with that.

I know you were somewhat torn with the visit from your brother, I applaud you for sticking by your intuition. You have grown so much in the time we have been conversing, I am really proud of you for the progress you have made in putting your own needs first.

That's good news that you have the histamine intolerance in hand. I hope you are managing to get through the teary days without too much discomfort and so very glad to hear you are keeping your head above water these days, I was very worried about you a year ago.

What you discovered about your liver makes perfect sense to me. I don't recall where I heard about anger being stored in the liver, but I know I have heard it somewhere. I might have problems with my liver also if I hadn't spent that 2 years after mum died, in a rage with the world. I told everyone what I truly thought during that time and held nothing back. It was such a relief to finally speak my truth without caring what anyone else thought of me, I have not been that angry since I worked it out of my system (although I wasn't aware at the time I was doing that). That sort of repression/suppression must take a toll eventually on our physical self as it has nowhere else to go. I hope you can overcome any self-hate you are still holding onto because to me you are a genuinely beautiful soul and I care about you a great deal. I am reminded of some dialogue my therapist and I had at the end of our last session before she went on maternity leave. She said 'thank you for trusting me with your mental health' and gave me a hug, my response was 'I can't think of anyone I would rather trust'. With that she let out a sigh and said 'I wish you could see yourself the way I see you'.

We can become blinded to ourselves through our past damage.

My nervous system is still not playing nice with my gut unfortunately, it seems no matter what I eat, there are always complaints. Thank you for your input on LoneWolf's thread, I thought you might be familiar with the Dr he mentioned. The three of us have so much in common, we could be siblings. The light bulb moment I mentioned in that thread, hit home how much work I need to do on my nervous system so that will be my focus for a while. Aside from that though, my health is reasonably stable at present and I have a sense that my frequency has been slowly rising over the past few weeks as I seem to have more good days than bad lately in relation to depression so hoping that continues.

I have really been enjoying the summer we are having here, it is the best summer since I moved here, so much sunshine which is likely also contributing to me having more good days.

I won't leave it that long again to get back to you.

Have a good evening (if possible),

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Hi indigo,

I looked up Ayrshire and Argyll and I can see they are south of where my ancestors are from but Argyll is not far from Skye. My ancestors left Skye for Australia because of a potato famine there. Like you I don’t think I will be able to afford to get there now. But I enjoy seeing photos of those places. In my 20s I was really into it in terms of reading about the Celtic mythology and culture. I have even more Welsh ancestry and I used to think that was Celtic too. But I’ve since learned that I’m most likely descended from the pre-Celtic Stone Age Welsh people. Some info suggests these people are linked to Eurasian tribes such as the Ket in Siberia which I was stunned to read, as I’ve always felt intuitively drawn to the shamanic cultures there. I feel a link to the Ket and their neighbours the Selkups. The latter in particular look like my Welsh ancestors with the high cheekbones and shape of the face. Among those peoples there is a fascinating mix of Caucasian and Asian features. Some of them are more distinctly one than the other and others a mix of both. I just feel intuitively I’m connected to those people.

With the disease I have, it progressively destroys the small bile ducts in the liver. When you think about anger it produces bile. As anger was so severely repressed in me for decades it makes sense that something dysfunctional has occurred with that mechanism in my body. Gabor Mate is 100% accurate with his book When the Body Says No. If we continue to act against ourselves and not care for ourselves, our bodies will produce sickness and dysfunction, more and more until we pay attention. I had to get this bad before I began learning the process of actually caring for myself.

 I think it’s really good you expressed your rage and communicated your feelings to people in those 2 years after your mum died. I am only just getting to a point now where I can do that and it’s showing up with me saying no to my brother. I still have more to say to him that I think needs expression for both his and my sake. I’m still working out the best way of doing that. I still want to come from a place of compassion but for him to understand certain behaviours are not ok with me and those behaviours need to be named for what they are - cruel and abusive. I’ve already noticed a major backdown in his abusive tendencies since I’ve set firmer boundaries with him.

I love that your therapist can really see you. I think they keep seeing us until we finally start to see ourselves. You definitely have an ally there who is going to abide with you on your journey. I have so much gratitude for my therapist doing the same. She wrote the most beautiful email to me at the end of last year giving me encouragement. It lifted me greatly.

I am wondering with your gut issues if there is any naturopathic help that would be a support at present? I know an issue with that can be the expense. With my naturopath we did 3 lots of advanced microbiome testing. The first indicated a major overgrowth of a pathogenic bacteria along with intestinal permeability. With subsequent targeted supplementation the overgrowth firstly halved and by the last test was back within the normal range. The intestinal permeability has also healed. I wonder if knowing exactly what is happening in your gut would help? Unfortunately it’s over $300 for each microbiome test. That’s why I’m not continuing it since the histamine intolerance happened because although it would tell me useful things it’s getting a bit much to afford it unless absolutely necessary. But I’m back on supplements now since I can keep food down again and I can tell they’re already helping.

I practise Peter Levine’s “vooo” chant which really acts on the gut via the vagus nerve. It can bring up emotions and make me throw up but I can tell that is the elimination of toxic, repressed emotions. It’s like a massage for the gut as it really resonates in the belly. My naturopath says he practises “Om” chanting also for his nervous system.

I’m glad you feel your frequency rising and that you’re enjoying the summer.

Lovely to chat with you indigo 🙏💖

[Croix]

Dear ER, wiht a wave to Indigo~

I'm not going ot enter in hte discussion of hte mind-body relationship, as while I agree I don't know enough about it to say much. I can only say that anxiety can affect heartrate, breathing and disorientation, on a longer and possible more subtle level it can lead to smoking, something encouraged in the armed forces to calm nerves until recently, and that of course can lead to lung damage. It can lead to poor decision making.

No I realise these are all 'external' effects, but as I say I do not know enough about what goes on inside.

Now the real reason I posted having made my token effort to stay on topic is I noticed you had been taling about Wales. You may already have done so already but if not have a read of my Store Your Happy Memories Here. I would converse wiht a fellow Welh Chmp named Gruffud and we would swap tories about Wales. mine tended to be when I was young and living wiht my grandparent in Noth Wales -a most happy time in my life.

It was a rich community, rich in the sense of interest and complexity, not finances. Males were the breadwinners and females had kids and did home duties - plus went to Chapel every week.

It was a very different age, younsters such as myself were simply given a train ticket and expected to make our way from London to Holyhead wihtout supervision or accompaniment. I've written about that any may other tihngs, describing a past now gone.

Have fun, and if you wish to contribute with a fragment of a time when you were happy please do so

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Croix and indigo,

Croix, I’d love to have a read of your time in Wales. I would love to visit one day if I could. My Welsh ancestors on my dad’s side were from Swansea. One of the photography YouTube channels I follow is by a lovely guy named Ian Worth. He is based in Wales so a lot of the photography he does is in Wales and a bit up in Scotland as well. You may find some of his channel episodes interesting as many are out in the Welsh landscape.

I have a story I’ve been meaning to write in the Store Your Happy Memories Here thread. I won’t get to it tonight as I must go to bed shortly, but I will get back to that thread soon and have a read of your Welsh experiences too.

How are you going at the moment Croix after your recent health challenges? I’ve been meaning to send some penguins to check on you and report back. I hope you, Mrs C and Sumo are all doing well.

Hugs,

ER