First time posting, long time depression.

BeyondBen · ‎14-04-2018

Hey, I'm Ben.
I'm not really sure what brought me to signing up an account here today, but I know that posting anything personal on FB, Instagram or any other social media is viewed as attention seeking so I avoid doing that. What I really need is just somewhere to get my thoughts out without having to pay for an anonymous blog site that no one will see anyway. Depressive thoughts aren't exactly a niche topic that people would pay to read I wouldn't think.
Anyway, I'm 38. I have a stable job in the public service and 2 excellent cats that are the reason I look forward to going home to. Way better than being alone. It hasn't always been like that, back in 2010 I realised a dream of becoming a business owner and barely 3 years later that dream failed. I made excuses as to why. Bad timing, wrong business, wrong area, but all it really was in the end was my ego thinking I could just "make it work" because that's how I always did things. Just start and figure it out along the way. I'm still paying off the $100k debt, struggled for a year or so with some on and off again labouring work before getting my PS job back mid 2014 but I'm back on track financially.
I had become used to being on my own for the last 20 years after a succession of failed attempts at finding someone special because I ended up just being a place warmer until they found someone better. That's not an exaggeration either. Every. Single. Time someone better came along for them. So told myself I'm better off alone, which I feel is true. I swore I'd never let anyone get close to me again but towards the end of 2016 someone came into my life and was relentless in her friendship building. We became fast friends and recently met Australia Day long weekend. I swore I wouldn't fall for her but we had been talking daily for over a year and I begged myself to keep seeing her as a friend. Though on more than one occasion we would say that we are pretty perfect for each other. We match and just clicked. it was inevitable to feel like this...
She had become very quiet after about 2 months ago after meeting her, I put it down to her work load after taking herself back to Uni. Then last night I found out that someone new came into her life and I have become unnecessary. That was the reason why I barely hear from her at all, at best I get a few words in a reply. I always find out the hard way instead of just being told about it

I'm over this. Soon I'll be 40 and alone. This is my life and thanks for reading.

RandR · ‎14-04-2018

Hi Ben,

Nice to meet your acquaintance 🙂 I'm Raman.

Public service? Nice! A good Samaritan no doubt 🙂 Are you based in Canberra if you don't mind me asking?

Two felines! What are there names? Thanks for reaching out to the BB forums and sharing what you have, and are currently going through. What was the business you were looking to get started? That's pretty impressive in its own right. I am glad to hear that things are back on track though.

Although, admittedly, I can't relate with the feeling of being along for 20 years with a partner, I can relate to the feeling of being along without family and a partner for 15 years. In fact, I truly, truly, felt I was destined to be alone and live a life in complete isolation. That's the power of severe depression I suppose and past experiences that take there tolls. Then again, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Despite your situation and the feeling, no doubt, of disappointment, there is always hope and we each have a part in every person that we encounter lives. That is a pretty powerful thing.

I'm 34, and I can say that I have felt very much like you in the past. Past encounters, whether they work or not, in my opinion, do not define us. They define our character. The good and the bad. We ultimately wield our own hammer and decide whether we choose to persist and build or, hang up the gloves.

You sound like someone with passion, commitment and care, not to forget ambition. They all sound like traits that a single woman out their might be seeking.

I view the past relationships in your life as encounters and character building of you, not the definition of you as a person.

Hope you do better and look forward to hearing back from you 🙂

Regards,

Raman.

quirkywords · ‎15-04-2018

Hi Ben,

I am glad that you did decide to post your story here.

I too welcome you the forum. This is a caring and supportive place.

Raman has written a helpful reply.

I agree that your past encounters do not define you or predict your future.

I kept choosing men who did not treat me well and I put up with that behaviour because I felt I deserved it. It was not till I was in my late 50s that I met a man who was kind and treated me well.

I know this is different from your story , but I kept seeing a pattern in the men and kept repeating my choices.

38 is still young , believe me. You seem a very kind person and I am sorry you have been hurt in the past.

Are you a member of any groups, musical, sport, cultural , social etc? I am talking about friends and socialising with others not just a girlfriend.

I run a small business and I know hard that is, especially when it was a dream. You show tenacity and determination.

Thanks for sharing your story

Quirky

killetti · ‎15-04-2018

Hi Ben,

I hope the other posts have helped you, people are really supportive here! I am 41, I have almost always been single, and i'm pretty much too afraid to get out there and meet people again. I have been alone most of my adult life. And I expect it to stay that way. I relate with what you say "I'm better off alone". I'm even in the public service too!

But you still meet people, you've had several relationships and made a good go of it. I think that's really brave. You also started your own business... that's crazy brave! From what you say it sounds like you feel a bit defeated by the experience of having your own business and the debt. But it must have been an incredible experience. and you have made it through the other side. You've learnt about yourself. you made mistakes. I'm sure you know we all do that. But it also sounds like you learnt from your mistakes... we don't all do that!

Don't be afraid of 40. 40 is the new 30! Life is still fun and interesting and there's still lots our there to do and see. Trust me. And you never know when you'll bump into a nice cat lady. Just have to keep your mind open to the possibilities!

Patrick89 · ‎15-04-2018

Hi Ben, Thanks for sharing your story, Ive learnt so much from this post and the replys to it all from you speaking up about the challenges you are facing so thank you. I also started a business x2 and achieved some success but ultimately failed, Ive seen psychologists since which has helped me see the vigour and guts it took to start in the first place, I needed that help when i felt hopeless and the best thing I did was ask for it. In more recent times I have been able to look at those ‘failures’ and in which i have found so many lessons that are helping me now. This has helped me move forward in my life currently and I hope you find the help you are after to see that you are awesome mate.