FIRST POST - I'm struggling, what next?

[Double D]

Hey all so this is my first post so please be patient with me.

Just abit about me, I'm 24 , male , when I was 18 I was on AD's SSRI after about 8 months was okay and  was wheened off of them. I've struggled massively my whole life with anxiety, depression, fear of dying, fear that I am dying, panic attacks, self esteem and all the rest of it. My grandpa suffered with severe depression as does my dad who has been on ADs for about a year.

I thought I had it down and managed after about 4 years off the meds but over the past 9 months it has crept back in and just festered and festered .

 I was seeing a counsellor infrequently when needed.  but now I'm seeing him 2 times a week, i honestly would not wish this on my worst enemy, i have never felt so detached, spacey, low, sensetive , emotional or anxious in my life . I woke up and I was angry that I woke up. After fighting this so vigorously for so long I feel like it's beaten me and I don't know how to be apart of this world or if I'll ever feel okay again, or happy. I eat really healthy, excersise everyday ( which now I've lost the drive to do and it's become a chore), I try be social as much as I can but have withdrawn a lot, I get 30 minutes of sun every day, I dance part time as an outlet, see a counsellor, told my family, see a doctor , moving out with a friend so I'm not alone, hang out with pets and animals , relaxing music and yoga when I can .. I'm really proactive about beating this but am losing hope fast. It got so bad that now I've lost my jobs . 9 days ago I  started taking a relatively low does of AD that works on melatonin . But since taking it feel foggy and spacey like in a dream state, it makes me a little disorientated , I've got terrible sleep and feel like my anxiety is a lot worse which is making me more depressed. I know I'm ment to give it 2+ weeks to feel better but I can't help but doubt this pill as it seems to be making me feel worse. In all fairness the thoughts of lack of purpose and meaning have decreased slightly ?  My point is I feel like I'm doing everything someone who hopes to be happy should be doing and I'm not happy. Which leaves me asking will I ever be? What next ? I feel like I'm watching a video game of my life and not actually apart of it. I feel like I am dying . 

 Any techniques, groups, advice , similar experience would be greatly appreiciated as I'm just at a loss now. Thanks a million

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[white knight]

Hi doubleD, welcome to beyond blue forums

We are mostly sufferers like you so we talk from experience and not qualifications.

I've been on many medications for the last 13 years and none have worked before 6 weeks. They might well have side effects but working to help my problems....6 weeks.

Also, we often speak here about accepting then effectively managing your mental illness rather than expecting cure. Seeking the best quality of life you can muster rather than expecting to be in the mainstream of 'normality'. If you find this approach and are comfortable in it then your life will be at rest with a mental illness and it might simply mean taking your medication daily and living life to the full. Many people however get complacent and go off their meds because the feel good and dont need it- WRONG. And this error is only realised after family arguments and distress all round.

Medications need to be fine tuned most times. eg I've been on mood stabilsers for my bipolar type 2 for 4 years now. This year I've felt like I need to up the dosage a little. So with doctors help and blood tests I've done so and my wife thinks I am so much better, easier to live with and I feel calmer. I have insight, rare among many.

It's a steep learning curve DoubleD. You are doing many things right which if you read many posts here, many are not doing it right. So relax a little, allow yourself to heal, keep up with your counsellor and give it time. Work closely with your doctor. Have faith. Google "Maharaji sunset youtube" and "youtube Maharaji the perfect instrument" he has many more there. He will help you relax and get life into perspective. I've followed him for 27 years now.

Take care   Tony WK

[geoff]

dear DD, it does take a great deal of courage to decide whether ornot you are going to post a comment, but I am pleased that you have, because not only are you asking for help, there will be someone else who can associate the same feeling as you have.

Tony has mentioned a great deal, so there are only a couple of comments I would like to say; you say that you have moved out and now living with a friend, who I presume knows that you are having some trouble.

You are trying so hard to continue with your activities, which is so good, even though you are not enjoying doing any of them, but as the medication kicks in this will hopefully change for the better, because if you stop doing them then you are giving in, and that's easy to do when you are feeling depressed.

I can't reiterate how important it is to keep taking your AD, because people believe that they are feeling much better so they want to stop, and after awhile they fall back into a hole, and have to start all over again.

With me it's just another tablet to take as my doctor says that I need to take 50 odd pills a day, and I have asked him that after taking my AD for 20 years can I stop, he said 'no way' and I knew myself that I needed to take them, I was just curious.

While your AD is starting to kick in it will make you feel as though what you are doing is worth it.

I have enjoyed your post so I do hope that you can get back to us. Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear DD

Welcome to Beyond Blue. Thank you for your post. I can see that you are struggling with your depression and anxiety and I hope we can help and support you.

Medication is a tricky one. There are so many antidepressants around that I often wonder how the doctors know which one to prescribe, but no doubt they have their divining ceremonies.

ADs typically take six weeks or more to kick in with a full effect. The side effects often kick in first, if you are going to experience them. Generally these last a short time only but if they are severe and last you may well need a different AD. That's the bad news. The good news is that when you have the right AD it can be fantastic. You really do start to feel and cope better.

The activities that you describe sound good. Eating healthily is always good no matter what the reason. I do wonder, however, if you are trying too hard. Sounds silly I know. How can you try too hard to get well? Well, I do not have the definitive answer so discuss it with your psych.

What I do know is that we can exhaust ourselves running round doing everything. Much the same effect as the workaholic, the person who needs to do all the work, to set a good example, to win no matter what the cost.  We all know about the person who dies of a heart attack in their forties because of working all the hours in the day. Similar concern here except that it's not a heart attack but being too exhausted to recover from depression.

Slow down a little and smell the roses. When you feel like being on your own, take time out. No, I'm suggesting you become a recluse, just somewhere in between. No beating yourself up for not doing enough. You will be doing the best you can by letting your body tell you what to do.

Sitting in the park and watching the passing parade, admiring the sunset, having a coffee on the back verandah and reading a book or just sitting. This sort of thing allows the body to slow down, rest and gather strength for the next round. It really helps your motivation by deciding on what is important in your life. And if you said everything is important I will say "Go and wash your mouth out". (smile)

Some things are important, some things are urgent, but many other things can wait or be ignored. You need to think about this and decide your priorities without breaking your resilience bank. Collapsing will not achieve anything except more self-blame and guilt.

So now grandma has spoken. Please listen and get back to us.

Warm regards

Mary