Finding My Way Back From Isolation

[OhmeOhmy]

Hi Everyone,

This is my first post and I am doing this as a way of helping myself out of this depressive state of being.  I am so very tired and feel like I just want to stay in my bedroom and sleep however I am a sole parent to 3 wonderful children (22months, 11yrs and 16yrs) and I must function not only to meet my responsibilities but because I love my children and want to be the best that I can be for them and myself.  I have isolated myself socially for a very long time.  I realise I need to makes steps to remedy this and recently started going to AA meetings however I find them overwhelming on every level. I have been sober for 1 month and 17 days and I am grateful AA and intend to keep going however I haven't been for 3 weeks now and am trying to work up the courage to go back.  I have always used alcohol and pot to deal with depression since I was a teenager and it has only ever made things worse so I am determined to walk down a new path from now on. I thought that by talking to people online it may be a start to finding my way back from the isolation I have dealt myself over the years and might lead me to build up the courage to reach out to people in the real world.  I'm not going to hide who I am anymore, I have to be honest with myself and others so I can move forward. Does anyone have any advice about how to form new connections with people after actively avoiding connections for so long?

[zailleh]

Hi OhmeOhMy,

Welcome to BeyondBlue! It's great that you're taking steps in the right direction but, from the sounds of it, you might be trying to do too much at once which only makes it harder, especially when you get upset at yourself for failing to do things or for finding things too hard.

I have found it useful to begin by concentrating on one small goal per day. Pick something that's just on the edge of your comfort zone. Something that you would or should do but you just can't normally get enough motivation and energy to do it. Then set about to make that the one thing you do today. When you do it, celebrate it. It may not be much; hell some days for some people it might be as simple as having a shower, but celebrate it none-the-less because, for you, from your perspective and from your current position, that IS an achievement.

Slowly, but surely, these things will become less overwhelming and difficult. When this time come, pick another thing that's just out of reach for you and go for it. Celebrate it. Celebrate it every time you do it.

On another note; don't beat yourself up when you don't/can't do it. Instead, say to yourself that you'll definitely do it tomorrow. Set your expectations.

I'm sure you've heard of a Self-Fulfilling prophecy? Well getting out of depression can be a lot like that.

When you're depressed, you tell yourself that things are hard, that you can't do it, that you're hopeless; and then when you fail to do those things you see this as confirmation that you were right in the first place, and therefore proving that you are all the negative things that you thought our think you are.

Flip it about, tell yourself you can and will do it, and then when you do it you'll see that you were right, thus giving you cause to question all of the things you thought you were. "Hopless? No way! I set out to have a shower today and I had a shower! I can do the things I set out to do."

More specifically, for the AA meetings -- try visualising the positive side of it. Don't think about it be hard to get there, boring to sit through, embarrassing to share in, frightening etc. Think about how good you'll feel afterwards; think about the support you'll get, the catharsis you'll have by sharing your story and realising you're not a lone and whatever else it is you get out of the meetings.

Again, welcome to the forums and I hope to hear some positive news from you in the coming weeks! You can do this; depression can be beaten!

~Zailleh

[OhmeOhmy]

Hi Zailleh,

Thanks for your response.  Setting small goals is a good idea and flipping the way I think around is something I will work on too.  Yesterday I planned to go to an AA meeting however I didn't go and I think in the back of my mind I knew I wouldn't attend.  I find them overwhelming on an emotional and social level and yet I know that they are filled with supportive people who want you to heal and stay sober, in fact they claim that helping someone else stay sober is what helps them stay sober.  To be honest, at first I was confused as to if I was an alcoholic or not because I didn't drink all the time and could go a long time without drinking.  The problem was that I drank in order to escape when things got too much and when ever I did drink I get drunk very easily and every time.  Getting drunk only made me feel so much worse the next day as I was ashamed and would berate myself for days, leaving me more depressed.  It was a viscous circle.  After attending a meeting and learning more about alcoholism I realised that I do indeed have a problem and I made the decision to stop drinking for good.  The struggle I'm having attending the meetings is that I have spent 28 years hiding my feelings and these meetings, listening to everyone share with such raw honestly brings all my feelings bubbling up to the surface all at once.  I have attended 3 meetings and have cried/sobbed at all three and it makes me feel so vulnerable and exposed.  I'm just not use to displaying my emotions, let alone in a room full of people.  My intuition is telling me that this is exactly what I need to do and that feeling vulnerable is a part of the healing process, that I need to brave.  The bravest thing I've ever done was to leave my husband who was an angry alcoholic but this is scary on a different level.  My gut clenches just thinking about attending a meeting.  My goal is to try and attend one meeting in the next week and to do 1/2 an hour exercise a day to raise my energy.  I feel so body heavy even though I'm physically not, its like I weigh a tonne.  I am moving from towns with my children so I can care for my Mum who has alzhiemers.  I will rent my house out here and am currently looking for a rental down there and all of this is draining my energy at the moment.  The kids don't want to move but they understand that Nan and Pop need us. One day at a time...

[zailleh]

Hey OhmeOhmy,

 I totally get what you're saying about sharing for feelings and feeling so vulnerable and exposed. It was like that for me, too, at my first counseling session. I was so afraid to share my feelings and be honest about my thoughts I needed my partner to come with me to keep me calm.

 You could try preparing what your going to share that day? Write down a story and experience the emotions in private to prepare for what might come to the surface during the meetings. Of course, you can also start by sharing your stories, thoughts and feelings here if it makes it easier for you too go to the meetings.

Like you said, take it one day at a time and don't best yourself up if you don't have the energy to do something. Just make sure to celebrate it when to do manage to do something you wanted to do. Celebrating can be as simple as coming into here and sharing your story of how you overcame the obstacle and achieved it. This week help make things easier in future!

Hope this helps. Take it easy and hope to hear back on how you get on.

~Zailleh

[OhmeOhmy]

Hi Zailleh,

Thank you for your post, you have made some really helpful suggestions.

I wish I understood why I feel so anxious about seeing other people.  The other day a lady who I met last year dropped over and when she knocked on my door I was lying down with the baby while she slept and I didn't answer the door.  I just pretended I was asleep because I didn't feel like talking to anyone.  I feel bad for doing that, she is a nice person.  I haven't felt comfortable having people over for as long as I can remember but I don't remember how it started.  I even hide from the water delivery guy so I don't have to chat.  I feel silly.

My Mum was the same and never had friends when I was growing up.  She was very awkward socially and a very nervous person, Now that she alzhiemers, I think to myself well at least now there is a reason for her odd social behaviour.  She was very self conscious and I think her self esteem was very low, she couldn't read or write and I think that added to it.  I wish she knew how beautiful and warm she was.  It makes me sad that she has lived her whole life feeling like she was not good enough.

[OhmeOhmy]

My counsellor says I'm not an alcoholic and that because I have used alcohol in the past as an escape does not make me an alcoholic. Even so I have decided to stay away from it anyway.  In my life it has never been a positive thing and most of the bad things that have happened have in some way been related to alcohol.  When I was younger I use to smoke pot as a way of escaping as well and that is something I would also never do again.  This makes me wonder about prescribed medications.  I am scared that if I took them they would just be another way of me escaping my feelings or myself.

How does someone come back from isolation.  How do we make friends at 43?  Where do we start? Does anyone have any suggestions.  There are all these online dating sites but I don't want to date, I just want to make friends.  I wish there were sites where you could make friends (leading to real friends in the real world), like an e-harmony for friendship :))  When I was in 1st class (6 years old) I made a friend by saying to a girl on the school bus "if you let me use your new coloured pencils I will be your best friend", so she did and we were best friends until my family moved away.  I wish it was that easy now.