Finding it hard to cope

[laura86]

Hi Everyone,

I thought I'd start a new thread as the other one is getting a bit old now.

I'm writing again because although I'm not crying in heap quite so much anymore I am still suffering with horrible depression, anxiety and now I've started feeling really angry. I'm not sure if others can relate to this. Sometimes I feel like my anger is a way of coping because it's easier than feeling debilitated and crying all the time. I think it is also a way of 'dealing' with the emotions of being let down by people. It's easier to be angry and close my heart than feel the horrible pain of being betrayed and abandoned. I'm also not eating much and am drinking and smoking more than I should. 

My partner is amazing and I feel so sorry for him having to deal with my issues. My mum is going through a lot of her own problems and is really busy so I find it hard to talk to her. I have always found my dad to be a great source of calm but again I haven't been able to talk with him. Every time I go over there's someone else there or something happening. I guess I just feel alone. 

I'm still going to the support group- some weeks are great, other times not so much but always worth going. I just feel like so many other people are improving and having breakthroughs and I'm still in this darkness. I'm still not 100% comfortable opening up as I'm not the best with talking to strangers but sometimes I manage to offer advice and it's good to just be around people. Still seeing the spiritual healer/hypnotherapist which is going ok- not sure how much it's helping. 

On the positive side I've started going to the gym most mornings. Even though it's so difficult to drag myself out of bed at 5am I still want to go. I do feel better for doing this but some  days are better than others. I have cried a few times either at home or actually at the gym if no one else is there. Pathetic I know but it's getting some emotions out. I've also been trying to say hello to people I see in passing and even made a friend while sitting in the park. A nice lady came and had a good chat with me so that's something I suppose. 

Anyway I hope that everyone is keeping well.

Speak soon,

Laura

xo

[JessF]

Hello Laura, you know I think people in a support group setting are more likely to share their breakthroughs because theyr'e proud of them. Theyre less likely to let people know that the last week has been terrible, because they - like you - feel ashamed about it. So I wouldn't worry too much about that, and perhaps next time share your own breakthrough about the gym which is a magnificent achievement. Getting yourself into an exercise routine is hard work, let alone for someone who is going through depression. I know, I have resisted it many times, but the effect is cumulative too and is a natural antidepressant. There will always be good and bad days, but recovery is about building things into your routine consistently so that the ledger can be more balanced.

[geoff]

dear Laura, I'm actually pleased that you have started a new post, simply because when people want to reply back to you there's too much for them to catch up with, as reading all the other replies they tend to get lost.

I do believe that there is anger in people who have depression, some display it while others hide it, and when we go to groups to talk about our own depression and talk with others in the group they seem as though they are recovering, but perhaps this is just psychological for their own sake, which is good to a certain extent, because they are trying to convince themselves that they are improving, but there's a catch here, when they leave they then fall into a hole, because we can't pretend all the time as it will just back-fire on us.

I must admit that it's great to talk to those elderly people in the park, because they are just so endearing and wise and personally I love talking to them.

Here there are so many wise people who have experienced their own traumatic life, and it doesn't matter whether they are young or old, just like me 60 years old as well as others we all have a story to tell of what and how our depression may have destroyed our life.

It's really a good place to be able to communicate and relate back to those who understand, so I really hope that you can continue. L Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

Dear Laura

Computer problems have kept me away for some time but hopefully I am now back.

Just been to see the psychologist. It was great being there and I felt so comfortable. Now I feel flat, unloved, alone, afraid and all the other negative emotions including anger. The anger for me is because I want others to ' cure' me and that is not going to happen. Every time I see the psych I want to feel better and to be better but I'm not.

So why is this? Is he not doing the right thing? Am I not not doing the right thing? Is my general attitude wrong? What is my role, what am I supposed to do? And under all that is a sneaking suspicion that it is all my fault because I am too lazy to get off my rear end and recover.

Just my thoughts. Still trying to recover from bronchitis so feeling a bit weary.

Mary

[laura86]

Hi All,

Thank you so much for your posts. As always it means so much to have your kindness and wisdom.

Don't ask me why but today, for the first time in months, I woke up feeling positive. I went to my hynotherapist/spiritual healer last night and went completely under, can't remember a thing which I have never allowed to happen before. After this she told me that as it was a new moon to let out any feelings I no longer wanted to have. So I said I wanted to release my anxiety, fear, depression and anger and whether it worked or not, today I feel pretty good! My anxiety is much lower than normal, I don't feel particularly depressed or hopeless and am for this moment feeling ok!

Tomorrow it might all change of course (as we all know, take each day as it comes) but it was just nice to wake up and not cry. I went to the gym and was smiling and joking. It's a huge change and I'm thankful to be taking this small step.

I'll let you know how I'm doing with the rest of the week.

Much love,

Laura

xx

[White_Rose]

Congratulations!!!!!!!!

[laura86]

Not feeling so great today. My anger and some anxiety is back. But oh well, I guess having a good day is a great step. I can't expect to have everything fixed over night. We'll see how the day goes : )

[geoff]

dear Laura and Mary, I will reply to each of you separately, so first Laura as you started the post.

Can I first say that your condition is getting better, I know that you aren't feeling too well today, but you have to look at this way, that your visit to your hynotherapist/spiritual healer has now begun your therapeutic hypnosis but it's not going to be like Jeannie who just blinked her eyes and everything changed for good, oh just wish it would, but depression is such a powerful beast that wants to cling on as long as it can.

So it's still going to be bouncy ride, but you have found out what it feels like to be mid range, and once this happens 'having a good day is a great step'.

dear Mary, when we see our psychologist we can talk freely, so back and forth the conversation goes, where they are trying to build up your self esteem, to assure you that it's possible to regain your confidence, that it's been lost for awhile, but it's still within you but it's hidden and overtaken by our depression who is holding it well and truly down.

No one is lazy when we are suffering from this illness, because this disease makes us not want to do anything, and please remember it's not your fault that you feel this way, because you, me, Laura and everyone else never wanted it, but unfortunately we have.

I have digressed a bit here, but what you are saying that you feel good with your psychologist and when you leave you fall back into a hole, and yes that's exactly how I felt.

What happens is the same as what I said to Laura, our psychologist bounces off ideas for us to think about, to talk about, or to consider whether their solutions would work for us, so we have our security there to help us out, but when we leave there is no security we are left to our own devices, and that's when become worried.

What they do is to try and rebuild our esteem and once this happens our confidence returns, or perhaps it maybe vice-versa, I don't think it matters, but we need one to be able to get us on our feet, and if they can't do this then we stay in depression. L Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

Hello Geoff

Thanks for your words of comfort. You asked me once what had happened to me and I was unable to reply. I have written some of it in the post "I'm sick of life" so I will stop hijacking Laura's post.

Just as Laura has described, the ups and downs are difficult to live with and particularly so for me at the moment when I trying to cope with being (physically) unwell and needing to make decision in other areas.

To Laura

I find anger the worst thing to cope with. It makes me feel awful and is so unproductive. I tell myself to let go of these feelings but it's not that easy. So I appreciate your difficulty. I tell myself that if I continue to tell myself to let go I will eventually succeed. Not sure if this right.

Mary