Finding a partner when you have depression?

Emily2015 · ‎08-03-2015

I am 23 yrs old, so have a life ahead of me and wonder if any of you ladies have found a partner who genuinely cares for you and accepts your depression as something that is not your fault and that you need occasional empathy and special care for?

While I have been very reluctant to define depression as 'a part of who I am' during the nearly 1 yr in which I've been seeing a psychologist on a weekly basis, a recent panic attack and sadness about memories from my childhood when I thought I was truly 'over depression' and moving forward with my life has made me think that maybe depression will be a theme in the rest of my life.I was previously in a 3 yr relationship with a man who I thought loved me but turned out to have lied to me since the beginning and called me 'crazy' for exhibiting behavior that he thought was strange when I was going through a lot of sadness about remembering painful memories and wonder if any man will accept me and the sadness I have about my past.

White_Rose · ‎09-03-2015

Dear Emily

I am so sad to read about your relationship breakup and depression. I welcome you to Beyond Blue which is a safe place to describe your feelings, doubts and sadness.

There are many women who have loving partners who support them during periods of depression. Some have met their partners before depression, some during depression and some afterwards. There are also men who find they cannot cope with a partner's depression and leave.

Partly this is because of widespread ignorance about depression and lack of information about how to help someone. Beyond Blue is trying to rectify this with their various programs, but also by supplying accurate, easy to read information on depression and anxiety, either for the person who has these illnesses or for the family and friends of the unwell person.

It is important to understand that during the therapy you will start to remember or bring back to life, so to speak, earlier traumas and incidents that have ultimately led, in part, to your depression. So life becomes a bit of a roller coaster ride where you start to feel better until something else turns up.

I doubt this will remain for the rest of your life. As you learn coping mechanisms you become able to apply them to any new situations that distress you, whether from the past or new situations.

I have not addressed your question about finding a new partner. I left my husband 15 years ago and have been on my own ever since. I lived through a major depression which lasted a long time and I would have loved to have a partner to love me and support me. Certainly having depression added to my feelings of worthlessness and of being unworthy to have a loving partner so it is hardly surprising I remained alone.

This is not necessarily the case for everyone. I felt I needed to be able to manage my life and decided I preferred the single state. Probably not a rational decision but there is an element of reality in it.

You need to manage your depression without relying on someone else to do it for you. I realise this may sound harsh and unfeeling but it is true. If you are looking for someone to look after you I suspect you will always depend on that person. If you want someone to care about you I believe you will find a healthier relationship if you are an equal partner.

Please concentrate on getting well, getting out of the darkness and back to the person you really are. All sorts of wonderful things will start to happen when you are happy and confident.

Mary

Emily2015 · ‎09-03-2015

Thank you for your reply Mary, I appreciate hearing from someone who lives with depression and is now managing it. That does give me hope for my own improvement.

I liked your point: 'You need to manage your depression without relying on someone else to do it for you. I realise this may sound harsh and unfeeling but it is true. If you are looking for someone to look after you I suspect you will always depend on that person.' My expectation of a new partner has been that they be there to basically be my caregiver when I suffer the worst of depression.

I did not receive any care from my parents at key points in my childhood when I really needed emotional and psychological support and I resent not having had the good fortune to have parents who were attentive to these needs. I feel like the world owes it to me to have someone there who plays this caregiver role.

I realize now that this is not a realistic nor fair expectation of a partner. I guess I have no idea of what healthy boundaries are for expecting help from a partner for my depression. I'll start off by checking out the Beyond Blue guide for partners to get some idea and hopefully will talk to some other people about what their experiences have been with managing a relationship when depression effects one person in the partnership.

White_Rose · ‎10-03-2015

Dear Emily

I am so pleased you were not offended by my reply and that you are able to recognise aspects of yourself. That takes a lot of courage and insight. Congratulations.

I feel we are very alike in many ways. I also struggle with boundaries and it has been the source of much pain in the past. Parents in my day did not seem to pay great heed to a child's psychological development, often because they were too busy providing food, clothing and a home. Perhaps this would be a good topic to discuss with your psychologist.

You can copy and paste the comments written here if you want to talk about them to the psych.

Having a partner that loves and supports when you are unwell for any reason is reasonable. It is the expectation they will or can, 'cure' you that leads to disaster. I feel I put my psychiatrist in that position when I was depressed. I expected him to give me the equivalent of an antibiotic medication and I would be OK. I wish!

So part of the therapy is to learn the realities of life and it can be hard and painful. I know that was my experience and my stubborn resistance to accepting that made my recovery drawn out. Sometimes I wonder why the psych did not throttle me.

Read some of the posts on Staying Well and Supporting Family and Friends.

We all have sad memories about the past and sometimes it is good to talk about them with our family members just as we talk about the good memories. I often tell my grandchildren about life when I was their age and also tell tales about their parents' activities.It depends on the situation and the audience.

My husband used to tell me how his mother abused him and his siblings. It made me understand something of why he acted as he did. Unfortunately he did not see the correlation between his childhood and the way he treated me so after many years I called it quits. In the end we are responsible for our own behaviour.

Will stop now. I believe other people on this forum will also add their comments.

Mary

geoff · ‎10-03-2015

dear Emily, I understand what you are saying and I accept Mary's reply back to you and what she has said in her second paragraph from the first reply, but for me the question you ask is a very difficult one indeed, but because you have posted a comment it is entitled to a reply, as any post should never be left without a reply.

What I am going to say are my ideas, but could be endorsed by anyone else, so again I hope that they don't upset you.

It would be fair to say that there could be someone you meet who could cope with your depression, but I'm talking short term not long term, and the reasons being, that short term all the new fun in a relationship begins but as time goes on all the true facts from each person begin to appear, even though you may have told him that you suffer from depression when you first meet, but the excitement of being with someone new may hide it.

Long term then this person may want you to follow and do what they believe is the best way to help you, but you could disagree with how it's done, such as forcing you to change medication because he has heard rumours that it's the magic pill, but you are happy on what you are presently taking, and don't want to change.

He may also want to go out but you don't feel well so you say no, but he's adamant it would be good for you, he maybe right, but not when you don't feel like it and just want to crawl into bed.

In other words his agenda doesn't suit what you want.

It would then be easy to say that you will find someone else, so can I ask you a question, if your therapist is a male could you live full time with him, I know that's a bit harsh to ask this, so the answer to your question from my point of view, is that it would be truly difficult, unless you have made progress. L Geoff. x

Cymru · ‎10-03-2015

Dear Emily, great issue that you raise. I guess the same we crave support of a loved one is the very time we're a rubbish partner. cruel irony. I can only offer that I have been diagnosed with depression for almost 30 years. I jest that on my worst days I'm better than most - but there are worse days. I've certainly created drama for those who have sought to share my life. I've also been in a relationship longer than my siblings put together; I've just lacked continuity. But have been with wonderful women over my life. Perhaps you really ought to ask my various ex's this question. I might add that I've various adorable friends who seem to struggle with relationships. My view is that depression is no particular barrier. You have an advantage in that you are already working with a counsellor. Just add creating and sustaining a relationship to your goals. Be frank and open about this. I imagine that it is my emotional work that has allowed me to enjoy good relationships and to deal with their ending. I earnestly hope I don't outlive my current relationship - but if not it has still been worth trying.

Holly Golightly: I'll tell you one thing, Fred, darling... I'd marry you for your money in a minute. Would you marry me for my money?
Paul Varjak: In a minute.
Holly Golightly: I guess it's pretty lucky neither of us is rich, huh?
Paul Varjak: Yeah.
Breakfast at Tiffanys