Finally accepting and admitting I have BPD, could use a little support

[New_in_AU]

I’ve had multiple Psychiatrists diagnose me with PTSD and BPD. I always assumed
the BPD diagnosis wasn't accurate but only characteristics of my PTSD since I
do not have fear of abandonment issues. But I am now starting to realize I
have a pretty strong un-treated case of BPD and my extreme fear of commitment
could be a paradoxical symptom of abandonment fear. I never could get myself to that point
because I truly would rather be alone. But I have gone through some major life changes and it is clear to me now
I have BPD and I can’t live like this anymore. I have to get treatment. I'll start with this post and hopefully I'll get some support and direction.

After 10 solid years of severe commitment issues that wouldn't let me get close to anyone, I finally met a guy who was determined I was the love of his life and wasn’t going to get scared off easily. He treated like a goddess and never stopped looking at me with that
love, no matter how irrational my mood which broke down my walls. It really helped he lived as far as you
could possibly live from me on this planet. Fast forward 2 years and we are now engaged, we chose to live here in Australia instead of my county, the US.

The move triggered my BPD. I have lived most of my life with this head of mine; I have developed coping mechanisms and build a support system that, in ways, enabled me. But I left all that behind: my support system, identity, and
methods of coping, and I'm left with this head.

I have to be honest; I hate myself 90% of the time. I have terrible mood swings: I get super excited about things and obsess about them, I get depressed and need to isolate, and I see the world in extremes, especially with those close to me, which makes
me go from “normal” to really angry in seconds which makes it difficult to make new friends and keep and maintain a solid
relationships. And let’s get real, I have become a person I wouldn’t even want to be near: a negative, depressed, angry, dark
person.

But now, I am away from everything I knew and loved, my family, my friends. I am left with this head of mine and it's constantly telling
me I am horrible and can’t be helped. I think maybe there are treatments out there; I have to believe that somehow,
all this pain, emptiness, anger and personal hate can go away. That I can let people in, actually in, and I can learn how to allow myself
to be happy and be me again.

[Stillkickin]

Hello New_in_AU

You've made a great decision by facing that you experience BPD; and now that you've reached out for help by coming here, you've made your first step to overcoming your problems, thumbs up.

I can understand that your issues may cause you to resent yourself, but I can assure you that there isn't any reason why you should, many people experience the same thing your going through all of the time, so your not the only one going through this.

The sky may look dark, but I can promise you that everything will be all okay. There is definitely treatment out there that will help you, you've just got to believe in yourself that you can overcome these problems.

So your first step has already begun. I think it would benefit, if you haven't already, reach out to your loved ones/family so they can support you through this; and then seek help professionally, from then on it'd be staying strong and believing that this can be overcame. Stay happy 😃