Feeling worthless and lost

[Rhu]

Hi all,

For the past year my mood has been pretty bad. After graduating and starting my first full time job, things just haven't been going well. I struggled with the job in my first workplace, and was eventually asked to leave. I managed to find a position elsewhere, but things haven't been going much better there, and now I'm very much at risk of losing this current position as well. For some reason I struggle to perform the necessary tasks, and both my past boss and current one feel that I'm not making any improvement. I find it hard to focus, and I feel tired and unmotivated all the time though I get plenty of sleep at night. This has triggered some anxiety issues, which I thought I had overcome prior to starting the job. I had severe anxiety issues several years back due to some deaths/illnesses in the family, which slowly went away, and then came back in the middle of last year.

Now I keep getting these moments when I feel completely useless and worthless, and I'm convinced that everyone would be much better off without me. I compare myself with my relatives and friends and think of how successful they are while I'm struggling just to hold down a job. My late granddad was a greatly successful man and though I know he loved me, I keep getting these thoughts that he was ashamed of me for not being as smart and confident as his other grandchildren. At times I think that my parents are constantly disappointed in me for not achieving anything in my life. Sometimes I feel like breaking down completely and at times I can cry for no apparent reason when I think about my life. I feel like I'm going nowhere and I just want to leave everything behind and hide away in a corner indefinitely. I haven't been officially diagnosed with anything, and I'm just terrified that if I see my GP she'll tell me I have depression or GAD.

Can someone pls talk me through this? I'm too embarassed to talk to my friends/family and I don't know how long I can keep on going like this.

Thanks in advance.

[Croix]

Dear Rhu~

I'm very sorry to read thing have not improved for you. I've read some of your previous threads:

Forums / Anxiety / Anxiety and work
Forums / Relationship and family issues / Losing family members
Forums / Anxiety / Panic attack or something else?

A lot of your current problems seem to have been triggered by the death of your grandfather and your mum's cancer. I also think a fair bit comes from your own expectations about yourself and feeling you do not live up to your standards and those of others.

When one is ill then it is simply inappropriate to judge how you are by the same set of standards as someone who is well. Things that ordinarily might be easy become just about impossible. You should try to think in terms of more realistic goals until you are better, that way you are having success, not failure, all the time.,

Unless I've got it wrong you have already talked to your GP, at least a bit and maybe even had some counseling sessions - sorry if I've got that wrong. In any event you really do need to get the proper medical help. Your life at the moment is pretty horrible, and has been that way since before you came here first.

It does not really matter what the label is, depression, anxiety and so on. What does matter is getting better. I found this took medical treatment with medication, and therapy, a lifestyle that was gentle and non stressful, and the care of my family.

So I'd strongly suggest you see you doctor and say what has been happening. Crying, wanting to avoid things, hassles at work , and worrying about standards and failure is no way to live. I found my life could turn around and I'm sure yours can too in the right circumstances.

Croix

[Wraith]

Gday Rhu

Our ideas of self worth are based on what we learnt while growing up.I always thought if I was a good husband, a good Father, then I was doing a good job. But theres so much more to it than that, you have to be happy in yourself, what you perceive from another perspective doesnt count, if it cant be verified. Your Granddad wouldnt judge you so early in life,with age comes wisdom, he would probably suggest a change of direction, find a job that piques your interest, you sound bored at work it doesnt interest you or motivate you. I once asked a friend why he was a Garbo he said because he liked it. Ive had many jobs some Ive hated and failed at, some Ive loved and excelled at. The first thing is that you know you have an issue, now find away to fix it, hell , I once thought I would have to change countries to resolve an issue, then it sorted itself out.

One thing to know , your not alone every one of us can lean on someone, and sometimes a strangers shoulder is the best of all. Talking is hard, we all know that,its not weakness or failure, your showing strength in talking about it.

Cheers

Wraith

[Quercus]

Hi Rhu,

This jumped out at me from your post...

I'm just terrified that if I see my GP she'll tell me I have depression or GAD.

Why is this frightening to you if I may ask?

A diagnosis and knowing what is happening within you is a powerful advantage. It means you know part of the problem and have the opportunity to ask for help and improve. Does the idea of a diagnosis make you feel ashamed?

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles at work and moreso the losses you are coping with. My psychiatrist tells me part of depression can be feeling emotions of sadness and grief and worry in an overwhelming way. And that managing the depression will make these feelings less overwhelming. I wonder if anxiety is similar?

You mentioned you dealt with these feelings before. I wonder how did you approach your anxiety then? Did you seek professional advice?

Sorry I have just bombarded you with questions. Please don't feel pressured to reply to any. I'm just trying to get a feel for the problem.

I hope you are finding some time this weekend just for self care.

Nat

[Rhu]

Hi Croix,

Yes you are right, my anxiety/depression issues only started after my granddad passed away and my mother was diagnosed with cancer as well. About a week after my grandfather passed, I had my first panic attack, and had many more for several weeks after. It was the worst time of my life, I spent over a month holed up in my room trying to sleep the whole day, and I barely ate or left the house at all. It slowly got better but the anxiety has never left completely since then.

I'm going to see a GP soon and try to find a good counsellor to talk me through this. My boss has given me a week off work so I'm going to try and sort things out and take a step forward.

Thanks for your kind words and all the best to you.

[Rhu]

Hi Wraith,

Yes it's always comforting to know you're not alone in this struggle. I'm so grateful for you guys here for being so supportive and non judgemental. As to my job, I'm not sure yet where to go with it. It's something I need to consider carefully before making any switches.

Thanks for the advise.

[Rhu]

Hi Nat,

I know it's helpful to get a diagnosis and acknowledge the problem, but to be honest, I don't like the idea of being diagnosed with a mental illness. It's the stigma I supposed, and I also have a close relative with severe depression/anxiety (far worse than mine), and when I was younger, I always thought about how I hoped never to end up with the same condition.

Last year when I saw my GP she prescribed some medications for me and my condition has improved. It's a mixture of good days and bad days for me, some days I'm fine and other days I can get very tensed and miserable. I'm getting a week off work next week so hopefully it'll give me enough time to rest and settle down.

Thanks for your help and support.