Feeling so lonely...Depression gone but so have all my friends

[onward_and_upward_]

Hi everyone, it is so nice to find this forum. I have been through a really tough few years and didn't want my friends to experience me so low and what I believed 'self consumed.' I used to have many friends and now that my old self has returned I don't have any friends. Worse still, I am trying to reconnect but they don't seem interested. I am 42 now and miss my friends. This alone makes me feel like I am going back into a depression. I am so desperate for friends and lonely but I feel like people think something is wrong with me. I can't communicate like I used to. I tried a yoga group but even found that clicky and I felt excluded. Has anyone experienced this? Thankyou for listening. X

[white knight]

Hi O and U. welcome

They say "birds of a feather stick together". Well its sort of like that. Few forms of normal people will stick around us. So we need to accept this and find those that can tolerate us for being us. Sad isn't it.?

Your yoga class is an example of cliques. Cliques are in all clubs. My suggestion is to endure that and one day you'll be accepted. But just don't expect it.

From my own experience I feel that friendships have traps. A new friend could have a loose tongue and spread your private conversations, they can bully you (all ages), they can prove incompatible, they can turn out to be annoying etc etc. So choosing someone to be a friend is a little like a lucky draw.

You might not realise also that your old friends aren't close anymore either. We think they are but they might be just tolerating each other as well. Sometimes things aren't as they appear.

My best suggestion in your case is to find interests. Photography, flowers, etc. hobbies that fill your time. Eventually people will want you as their friend rather than the other way. This is where Facebook has a positive- that you can process your photos on there of your hobby and go along to an event. Then friendships blossom in Facebook of that hobby and before long you can have a club get together at home.

But I'd keep quiet about your troubles. It seems I needed to learn that lesson, to keep my personal issues separate unless they become very close.

Tony WK

[Cherpieus]

Hi onward and upward.

I have experienced this too. At 42 and going through a divorce I was left with no friends. I am remarried now but when I got married I was not sick. I am now going through another 'sick' period and my husband doesn't understand. After trying to share with him about what I'm going through he is now rejecting me... both emotionally and physically. This has taught me again not to share about mental illness with anyone who has not experienced it themselves and even then to do it very cautiously.

I am subsequently extremely lonely too. I know a lot of people but no-one knows the real me. I feel the real me is too negative and hopeless and no-one else should have to suffer hearing how I really feel. 

I have no suggestions for you because I have the same problem :).  I hope knowing you're not alone is of some comfort. 

[onward_and_upward_]

Hi White Knight, thank you so much for your reply. When people commit suicide you always hear people say 'their is always someone to talk to." I think I always thought I should be able to talk to the people closest to you yet that seems to be where the rejection is felt. You are right.. it is finding the people who understand like right here. I am joining a pottery group next term so merging myself back into things I find theraputic and hopefully also learn to really let myself open up to friendship again as I think I still subconsciously put a wall up. Thank you. 

[Izzypop]

I have had the same issues told work colleagues about depression etc and became the outsider.  the interesting fact is that my workplace was a hospital! but a great lady told me that to never speak about my problems to friends or family, they are the first to judge you and some won't understand, she said speak to a complete stranger about all your problems. Thanks

[onward_and_upward_]

Thanks so much Izzypops, that is so true about talking to strangers. I think it has taken me a long time to accept that it isn't really your friends and families you should talk to. I think it is because I would hope my daughter could talk to me if she felt the same way. I guess family and friends can be too close and therefore there can be too many blurred lines. Strangers are very neutral.. finally getting it!!

[onward_and_upward_]

Thank you so much for your reply Cherpieus. It must be really hard for you to have met your new husband when you were well and even possibly thinking it was behind you and then it suddenly reappearing. It's hard hiding it from people close to you and even harder when they just don't get it. I really feel for you and understand where you are coming from. 

[Trish_M]

Hi onwards and upwards,

You have certainly come to the right place, these forums are a wonderful source of strength, comfort and safety. Stick around and you won't go wrong. There are no "musts" here either, go at your own pace, visit and contribute as often or as little as suits you.

One thing you might like to consider when thinking of other people be they family, friends, colleagues, neighbours or strangers. Do you, yourself, have a comprehensive understanding of your own condition, depression, and it's many symptoms and complexities at all times and how these affect you on a daily basis emotionally, psychologically and physically? No? I myself struggle to understand myself and my depression, I can certainly appreciate how difficult it would be for someone else even if they are a friend or close family member. Luckily for me, me partner is a wonderfully supportive person who accepts me for the person that I am. However, it can be tough for him too at times.

Just for now, you may lack and mourn the loss of friends. It doesn't mean that this will always be the case. It would seem though that you are heading in the right direction so take heart and keep going. 

Trish M.