Feeling limited by bipolar disorder

[Loula]

Does anyone feel limited by their mental disorder?

I have bipolar and feel very limited due to it. I find that I always need to be in my head when I'm with people so I act in a normal behaviour so they don't suspect I'm not well. I find when I'm going on a high or a low I tend to hide myself from people. Well actually on a high I just be friend strangers because I don't care what they think lol!

I find that I'm struggling with work and the hours and that I'm not going to advance in it. I find myself taking lots of toilet breaks so I can breath. I'm worried if I do get a promotion I will snap and the be known as the girl with the mental illness.

I find I can't have a hobby or study because I get so board and distracted easily. One day I want to plan events the next day I want to be a doctor.

I'm just really over zero stability and having to really be in my head and watch all my steps making sure I'm healthy. I just wish I could live life with out this annoying thing.

[james1]

Hi Loula,

That sounds really exhausting to be in your position.

I’ve been seeing a psychologist for various symptoms of borderline personality disorder and I also feel limited by it. I understand what you mean when you say you always feel like you need to be in your head because it’s scary to think what other people might say or do if they knew. And it’s probably an irrational thought, but that’s just how I feel.

Have you been able to tell anyone at work? I think if you find the right people, it is worthwhile just being honest. For example, when I broached it with my manager I basically said I have been seeing a psychologist but I don’t expect it to affect my work. So the agreement is that he won’t change the way he gives me work, and I will tell him if I do feel like I need time off or something. And that’s nice to know that someone accepts me for who I am, but also trusts me to be responsible for it. He actually told me that his wife had suffered from depression so he knows what that was like for her.

Does your work offer counselling services? That can help as well from a “how do I manage this at work” perspective.

I hope you feel comfortable posting here when you’re ready.

James

[Airies]

Hi Loula,

only last year was I diagnosed with type 1 bipolar with a previous diagnosis of ADHD. I've ceased work due to my failing physical and mental health. I've told a few people close to me and my family are supportive. Unfortunatelly the work environment I was in was a suck it up mentality.I,,hope you find some treatment and counselling that works for you. Keep on persevering 🙂

[Loula]

Hi James Thank You for your reply.

I'm glad but also not glad that someone understands what's it like to be in your head all the time and trying not to show your differences.

Im glad you had a positive reaction at your work place. No I haven't told anyone at work and planning not to. On my application form it asked if I had a mental illness and I just stared at it for hours thinking omg this is going to impact me for the rest of my life. So I decided to tick the no section as it has never effected me at work. But then again I worked causal and could control my hours and now I can't. I work in a nice environment but it's very gossipy and word gets around and I'm very personal.

The work place does offer outside work services for mental illness but I'm just not ready to go down that path.

[james1]

Hi Loula,

It is very sad that mental health is still treated as taboo topics in certain workplaces and even unacceptable in others. For people suffering, it’s a very real pain that is too easily dismissed.

My workplace has an anonymous Employee Assistance Program (or something like that) which basically offers 6 free counselling sessions per year. I gave them a call before and even though it wasn’t going to help with my long term problem, I did find it helped just in the short term to give me perspective. I still feel terrible, but it was nice to know that someone knew I felt terrible.

I completely respect your privacy and decision. There are a lot of people I have ruled out talking to, even though others tell me I should. If you do feel like sharing your concerns about engaging with work’s mental health partners, or your current coping methods while at work, I’d love to hear them as I’m also finding it really hard to stay mentally “in it” while at work. I keep having to take breaks and go for walks (which is probably not a bad thing fitness-wise!).

James

[Loula]

My work place has the free sessions as well. The joy of being in a big company. I don't think if I told the big bosses it would be taboo thing thankfully. But I know they will be monitoring me and treat me different and not giving me the tuff take of course stuff leaks out at work and just being blunt there are some cows at work I don't want knowing my business.

I know a lot will ever think "bipolar she's crazy"! Or "oh I understand that I was depressed once" and try and help me and it's like yer you had a week of sadness you got zero clue! Why do people with really no mental issues think they have it and can relate to us and help us? Drives me insane. Sorry random rant!

For mr to get through work I need my bathroom breaks and breathing. I need that minuet to calm myself down through out the day. I also don't look at the full day, I just look at the tasks one at a time so I don't get over whelmed. I also keep busy so if I got no more tasks I clean. I'm known as a cleaning freak. I just keep busy not to get in my mind. I also call my partner or text my friends through out the day. I'm not meant to but I don't care, it's a distraction that only keeps me from my work for a few seconds and keeps me semi human.

[james1]

Hi Loula,

It sounds like you’ve got some good techniques of coping during the day and that’s really positive. I also try to contact people during the day if I feel myself spiralling a bit and I feel guilty, but it helps.

You said before that you’re afraid that if you get a promotion you’ll snap. May I ask what it is you’re worried about, and would you take a promotion if it was offered? It sounds a little bit like you’re just feeling overwhelmed already by your current responsibilities.

I think understand what you mean about the frustration with “normal” people thinking they can relate. My pet hates are: “Don’t worry, you’ll get over it” and “Everyone puts on a work face, so don’t feel alone”. Those kinds of comments just make me want to scream, “You just don’t get it!” All I want is for people to say, “Yes, I can see that you’re in pain. I am here, as I always have been, because you’re my friend. And I’ll treat you like any of my other friends – call me if you need to.” Or just a hug. That would be nice too.

James

[Kazzl]

Oh I so need to join this discussion! Hi Loula! Thank you for this thread and for explaining so well what it's like to have to 'be in your head' constantly and watch your behaviour, and to that I would add question every idea you have or plan you make, wonder whether you said the right thing, was I too full-on, too pushy, too loud, too everything!

I have bipolar 2, diagnosed a few months ago after 15 years of being treated for clinical depression. Of course I've always been bipolar, I just didn't know. And I self-medicated in a big way with alcohol for a long time and blamed what I now know was hypomania on the booze.

I relate to everything you, James and Igbran have described - and yes, it's limiting and it's exhausting. I wish my brain had an off switch or a pause button, just for a while! And what you said about people who have no clue thinking they can relate is soooo true - and sadly they seem to populate HR departments in our workplaces! Infuriates me! And me infuriated isn't pretty.

I'm in danger of ranting, so back on topic - Loula are you having treatment? If so how is it going for you? Is it possible it might need some adjustments if you're struggling more than usual at the moment?

About the workplace - I am open about the fact that I live with mental health issues, but careful about who I tell about bipolar (it's very misunderstood). When I do tell people I explain that it is a genetic medical condition that affects brain chemistry. It is entirely your decision who and how you tell; I think it comes down to the likely reaction of the individuals you work with, and you know them best.

Re the racing mind and constant distraction at work, I have started listening to calming music through earphones. There's loads of music for concentration, study, focus etc on youtube. I would have once been skeptical about their effectiveness but I've discovered they actually work for me - they seem to block out the other noise in my head so I can actually concentrate.

Finally - I have found some good resources online, including an excellent blogger who writes in a non-clinical way about bipolar (she has bipolar 2). If you google Natasha Tracy or Bipolar Burble you'll find her. There's also a couple of websites worth looking at - psychologytoday.com and psychcentral.com.

I have a thread on this board called This bipolar life - please feel free to drop in if you want.

Cheers

Kaz

PS: I befriend strangers too. Hey, we're just nice people! 😊

[Loula]

I just love a hug and just a that sucks you got bipolar do you want to eat cake and watch tv. No lecture on their issues or people trying to fix me. Hello my mind is going a hundred miles an hour I'm trying to stay alive and I'm sorry but I got zero time for your issues. I feel bad saying that but sometimes I can't deal with other people's problems and I feel so guilty about it.

I feel so guilty about texting a work because I'm such a working girl but I'm like waste 5 minuets a day at work or be sick from work for weeks? I rather be naughty and text people.

Im not overwhelmed by my work tasks. I'm actually board by them and need a challenge. I like hard work that makes me tired. I like to better myself and become a mater at a difficult task. I'm just worried with more responsibility people will see me more and notice if I have an episode. I also know if I have a higher job and get ill i will be letting people down and I hate doing that. It's just annoying because I can generally do any task but when the bipolar acts up bad I'm useless and I hate it. It controls my life.

[Loula]

Hi Kaz thank you for your post.

I was diganoused with bipolar last year after years of being diganoused with depression and anxiety. It sucks. I understand about the self meditating. To be honest I still am to calm my brain down.

Im not seeing anyone for my illness. I found it way to intense and I ended up in some life treating situations because of it. I just wasn't ready to accept my illness or go into my past and I'm still not. I'm also not on medication. I like my highs. I'm very anti something changing how I was designed. Sounds weird but that's just me.

Arnt people sometimes the worst? Does my head in.

Thats cool you can listen to music at work. Sadly I'm not allowed to. But on my lunch break I've decided to read a book so no one talks to me and I can give my batteries a recharge.