Feeling like a freak

[CB81]

I’m 42 and have a great job and considered to be funny and intelligent but every now and then I feel so isolated as I don’t have a partner and don’t want one. Being surrounded by “normal” people at work chattering about their partners. Or doing something that people laugh at as they think it’s “weird” when I’m just being myself. I just want to opt out sometimes. Not suicide I just mean just not go to work and not talk to anyone. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

This feeling of being alienated is felt by people that are childless and chatting around a group of mums and/or dads talking about their kids. Many years ago I was unemployed for over 2 years and was with a group of farmers talking about how tough times were on the land as we leaned up against their brand new 4X4, yep, I felt alone.

I dont know about you but if I was single no kids and wanted that existence I'd be fine until someone questioned me about it, then they over step the line. Your lifestyle choice is yours to choose, its freedom and we are all entitled to that freedom of choice. I'd likely defend my choice by asking why they dont fly model airplanes... their answer would be along the lines of "because I'm not into that hobby". So you just stare at them with hands raised a little. eg "I'm not into kids or marriage" type of look.

Being looked upon as being "weird" is often witnessed as a bullying technique. "Weird" in their language means you dont fit in. I've experienced that and now I know why- late in my life diagnosed with bipolar and under the autism spectrum so yes, in a few ways I'm odd, I', quite proud to not be a member of a group of sheep, my individuality is something I embrace, my poetry, my house building, my motorcycle trike building, inventions and so on. 

So in your case most working environments have their inconsiderate members. After 85-90 jobs in my life and 15 professions I ended up with only 2 friends. Workplaces are not the ideal place to enjoy other peoples company so just be civil and distract yourself after work with a hobby or good friends.

"The toxicity of a workplace is directly related to the profession, the location and the people...ones ability to exist in a toxic workplace is dependent on your endurance, observation and how you discount the gossip". 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-survival/td-p/216226

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-survival-part-3-workp...

TonyWK

[Fiatlux]

Hi CB81,

Do people tell you that you are weird or are you just thinking that?

In 2019 I as a married 52 year old married woman back then, went on a couple of solo holidays or trips alone without husband.

I spent a week at a Buddhist retreat for some peace and quiet. I enjoyed that week.

A younger man who I was working with at the time, commented that it was weird that I did that.

I didn’t think it was weird, I thought it was wonderful. 

If I had my time over, I don’t think that I would ever have gotten married and maybe even stayed childless. I love my 3 children and love children in general but they do make life complicated.

Peace to you, Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[therising]

Hi CB81

One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given was 'Find your circle'. Whether it's a circle of open minded people, a circle of the kind of people who are going to lead us to develop in some way (through an interest, course or hobby), a circle of people who have a similar nature to us and can fully relate to where we're coming from or it's some other type of circle, it comes back to that old saying 'Find the tribe you vibe with' (as opposed to the one that's going to bring you down). Work tribes, hmm🤔. They can be triggering.

Personally, I'm much happier being 'weird' than typical. I've found 'weird' to be good for my mental health. I think the politically correct terms these days are neurodivergent and neurotypical. Call it what you will and wear it proudly, unless you don't like labels. Completely relatable. Not a fan myself. As a 53yo gal with currently pink hair, a serious love of woo woo stuff (a soulful type), a rather questionable sense of humour and a sensitive kind of nature, I'm considered weird. With official diagnoses of ADHD and level 1 (high functioning) autism, my 21yo daughter and 18yo son have also been regarded as weird in the past, especially my son who, like yourself, has a brilliant sense of humour. My own diagnosis of them is 'quirky and naturally amazing'. I know a transgender friend who has also been labelled as 'weird' and a whole stack of other pigeonholed people who are regarded as 'weird'. The people I actually find hardest to get along with are the people who label themself as 'normal'. 'Normal' people can be rather judgy and closed minded, therefor they tend to possess a serious lack of wonder and healthy level of curiosity and philosophy. They can be insensitive and highly questionable. Not saying all 'normal' people are this way, just many who I've come across. I'm very close to some 'normal' people and find them quite triggering 😁.

I smile when I say 'normal' people can appear insane at times. Take a group of parents of babies and toddlers, for example. Sit back and observe them. You can tell them they sound insane but they won't believe it. Btw, I was one of these people at some stage of my life. They'll speak about how proud they are that their child is able to pee and poop in a toilet, how thoroughly amused they are by how their child mispronounced a word, how excited they are about hearing the sound 'Mama' or 'Dada'. These people are crazy, I tell you. Conversations about peeing and pooping, poor grammar and babbling are highlights of their life. Some of these people will call us 'weird'. What can you say? 😂

[Trans22]

My first suggestion would be to stop using the word "normal" when talking about people.  Every human being on this planet  is unique in some way, if not multiple ways.  I'm not sure what the statistics are on adults in a relationship, but I expect that there would be well over 1 billion people on Earth who don't have a partner at any given point in time.

You may want to explore reasons for your "don't want one".  If it's because you are aromantic &/or asexual, know that there are a lot of people who identify their sexuality using these labels.

Reaching out to people like yourself should reduce the amount of time you spend "feeling like a freak".

[Fiatlux]

Hi Trans22,

I absolutely agree with you there about labelling people “normal”.

I am 1 of 4 children, No 3, so the middle child and my mother actually asked me if I could be the normal one? Like my grandiose narcissistic mother has any place telling me to be normal. They made me the white sheep in the black family. They have no idea how I am.

I look like Sandra-Dee on the outside, but I am pretty Sex Pistols on the inside 🙏🏼🤘

[Eagle Ray]

Dear CB81,

I think society can create ideas of “normal” but I think it is good to see those things as culturally constructed. Sometimes what is considered normal is not even grounded or healthy. And sometimes a way of being just suits one but not another. People can spend their whole life aspiring for “normal”, but to be yourself and follow your own heart is a wise, courageous thing and sometimes means going against the grain and having people judge you. That can be hard because as humans we want to feel we belong and that we are loved and accepted. But there will be people out there who are similar to you, following their own path and true nature. A couple of years ago Gabor Mate along with his son Daniel released a book called The Myth of Normal that challenges many of the idea about “normality”.

I would say be proud of who you are and the choices you’ve made that have felt right for you. I am 49 and do not have children nor a partner. In my case I had hoped for those things when younger, but complex trauma issues have made it all too hard for me. When working as an education assistant in my early 30s I remember a teacher I worked with saying, “Don’t you feel weird that the parents of the kids in this class are your age and married with children and you’re not?” I have had to deal with people perceiving me as abnormal like this and it’s always been way too hard to explain to them the context of my life.

But I’ve reached a point now where I know there is a freedom in my difference and that other paths are open and available to me by being myself. So I think feel proud of who you are and that there can be benefit to being outside the perceived “norm”. It can actually be a kind of freedom, especially if you can reach a point of self-acceptance. I’m still getting there with self-acceptance having felt like an outcast my whole life, but I’m getting a bit closer to it. 

So I hope you can feel encouraged that it is great to be you and it’s perfectly ok if you have a different life to your workmates. There may be ways to connect with others more similar to yourself. I know there are things such as Meetup groups that include many different identities, interests etc and of course there are many online communities and you are welcome here too.

Best wishes,

ER