Feeling empty and heavy

Justme28 · ‎10-01-2016

Hi, I'm new here so hello. I guess I'll just get into what I'm feeling. For a while now I've just been getting through day by day. I feel like I have a massive hole missing from me and that emptiness and loneliness that comes with it is hard. I have a lot of friends around me so I'm not technically alone and when I'm with people I'm a social butterfly. How is it I can be separate people? I also over think things all the time and make the smallest things huge but the big things I don't tend to worry about. And I worry about what people think of me all the time. Recently I have got worse because I split with my boyfriend, the relationship was pretty toxic so I know that has lead me to feel even worse. I don't know how to switch off my brain! And I'm originally from the UK so I don't have family here. I'm going to see a doctor this week but I don't know if I want to take antidepressants or not and therapy I have tried before didn't work. I'm just very lost. Any comments would be helpful.

Scotchfinger · ‎10-01-2016

Justme28

Hi

you said: How is it I can be separate people?

We all wear a mask when socialising. Usually this is an extroverted mask as we don't want to burden other people with our worries and concerns. Happy, cheerful. That's what people like and so if we want to be liked we act happy and cheerful.

But when we are alone we can relax. We don't have to impress anybody. We have more time to think and then our brain can go into a negative spiral through boredom and rumination. This is where you might benefit from meditation. Daily practice of meditation can teach us to be happy in our own company, alone. To stop worrying.

So my advice is to start enjoying your own company for a while. Don't be in a hurry to get a new boyfriend. Plenty of time for that. In the meantime, work on your inner self and try to build your self-esteem too. Good luck.

pipsy · ‎10-01-2016

Dear Justme. I think from an early age we're taught to 'smile' for the camera. So we smile 'on cue'. As we grow, we start wearing different 'hats', depending on our circumstances. If we're at a party, for instance, we try to become the 'life and soul' of the party. At school, we wear the 'knowledge hat', we try to learn so we can go out into the world and work for our 'bread and butter'. At home (depending on happy or abusive) we tend to try to 'fit in'. No matter what the circumstances we try to fit in, so much so, we loose ourselves in the process. Doubts and fears kick in when we 'face' ourselves. Is that really 'me' in the mirror, who is 'me' really. Someone might make a seemingly insignificant remark about our dress, how we seem happy, sad. We take this on board and suddenly, everything anybody says takes on an almost sinister meaning. You say you have no family, do you have friends (apart from the ones you had with bf). Scotchfinger suggested you enjoy your own company for awhile. To do this, you need to look at what makes you happy, do you enjoy movies, dances? Try getting into a social club through your local church (you don't need to go to church). Most churches have a youth club, or something where you could get to know other people. You're right in that you don't need meds. You need confidence boosting. If you're working, do you have a social club at work. Maybe join a gym, that's a great place to get to know people. You said you worry about what other people think 'Newsflash' we all do. Everyone has exactly the same fears, are we 'good enough', do we 'fit in'. Enjoy being 'you' for a while.

White_Rose · ‎10-01-2016

Hello Justme

That empty feeling is so painful. The hole in your chest that lets out all your happiness. Yes, I've been there. Still go back at times.

Scotchfinger has written about us wearing masks and of course this is what we all do, even if nothing is wrong in our lives. Separating from your BF is a painful experience even though you can see it's basically a good thing. And that's another area where we can be two things. Knowing something is bad for us and yet being distressed because it has gone. Why can't we be logical about these things. And of course the answer is because we are human and that's what we do.

Your doctor may or may not prescribe an antidepressant. It will depend on his/her diagnosis. You will need to talk about your fear of taking ADs before going ahead. Your doctor can explain exactly what the AD is expected to do, how long it will take before becoming effective and talk about possible side effects. You do need to be committed about this if you go ahead. No good taking meds one day but not the next.

It's not all bad news. You may need the meds for only a year or so. Ask your doctor. Also talk about seeing a therapist of some sort. They come in three sizes, the good, the bad and the ugly. If this is what your GP recommends, try it out. If it does not work, go back to your GP and talk about why.

Again it requires commitment from you to make it work. Though I know there are some rather ordinary therapists out there. Ask you doctor if the person he/she wants to refer you to has a good reputation. Doctors know, or can find out, who the more respected therapists are. I know my GP checks out any specialist she sends her patients to.

Can you remember what you did with your previous therapist? What went wrong or did not work? No need to discuss here unless you want to. I ask because you can tell your doctor what happened last time and perhaps be referred to a person who does therapy differently.

Keep up with your friends because you need support. Do you have one or two close friends you can confide in? Sound them out first because you don't want to be dismissed as stupid.

I agree with Scotchfinger about meditation. I find this of great value and recommend it to everyone.

Let us know how the doctor's visit goes.

Mary

Justme28 · ‎10-01-2016

Thank you so much for your words and time. I have a really great group of friends, a couple of which I have confided in about my feelings and they are great about it. So the problem isn't getting friends but finding out why I feel the way I do about myself when seemingly I have a great life. I am also already a part of the gym. I constantly think negatively about myself and assume others will think so too. I have started to not see people that have been a negative influence but I always feel I'm living with regret and that's also hard to deal with.

Justme28 · ‎10-01-2016

Thank you Mary for your time. Yes I have confided in a couple of friends and they have been great, both of them have also been through similar situations so can relate. I have been thinking about mediation so I will give that a go. I tend to have peaks and troughs where I have great weeks and then I'm back down again. I have felt this previously a few years back and took antidepressants then. I do also talk to family back home but not in too much detail. I have been recommended kinesiology, have you ever experienced that? I've heard positive outcomes from that. My previous therapist was pregnant for a start so only did a couple of sessions with me and I felt she wasn't asking the right questions so I didn't walk out feeling lighter at all. It's one day at a time I know, but as with everyone who suffers depression or anxiety, I'm tired of feeling this way! Anyway thank you again.

White_Rose · ‎10-01-2016

A quick reply as my tea is nearly ready. The inner woman needs to be fed and watered.

Never tried kinesiology. If you try this please let me know how it goes as I have little idea what it is all about.

The sad part about depression is that we do have highs and lows, or rather good days and bad days. ADs are about helping you to manage your life by reducing stress. Therapy is about teaching you how to manage those dark times and come out the other end smiling. It's also about understanding how and why you feel so sad and miserable and resolving that in yourself. Two different approaches but complementary. Can be scary but if these are the recommended treatments go for them.

Mary

Moonstruck · ‎10-01-2016

Hello there Justme28 - I don't know if you, or others on the Forum believe...or would like to believe in a "high power..guardian angel..God..The Universe..Whatever"...or just maybe our own inner-wise child self".....but I always liked this passage that the author wrote during her worse moments...when she had no one to turn to..but her own journal, where she liked to write to herself and give herself some advice. This is what she found herself writing...but is not exactly sure where the words came from.

"I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it - I will love you through that as well. If you don't need the medication, I will love you too. There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death, I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression, and I am braver than Loneliness, and NOTHING will EVER exhaust me."

Those familiar with the author and her books, will know exactly where it came from......I think it's quite lovely myself............Nice to meet you JustMe28 - you will find friends here........

pipsy · ‎10-01-2016

Hi Justme. I think part of why you feel the way you do is you've just come out of a relationship. I know you said it was toxic, but it was still a relationship. When you break up with someone, you always question what did I do wrong. There's always the question, what could I have done to prevent/change. Whether he 'pulled' the pin or you, is not the issue. It does undermine your confidence when a relationship ends. Once you start to rebuild your life and get used to 'one after being two', you will start to feel more confident. Anything that helps you regain your confidence is good, meditation, short-term medication. Maybe counselling to help bolster you. These are the positives. Don't forget, everyone has 'low' days and 'high' days, this is part of life and accepting that will also help you 'grow'.

Good luck with everything you try. I'm still in recovery and I have my days, but they're getting better as I get stronger. I was married for 25 years, if I can 'lick' my wounds and heal, there's hope for you. I only separated just before Christmas.

Guest_1055 · ‎10-01-2016

Hello

I think I can relate to that empty feeling inside, like you described a massive hole. I don't feel it at the moment, but I do remember the aching pain of it. So I'm sorry you are feeling it now.

I often wondered if this hole, is that space where love is stored, given out or received or something like that. The reason I say this, is because when I feel like no one really loves me, no one cares about me or if I am hurt emotionally in some way......well I start to have that aching and empty feeling a bit. Then I try to stuff this hole with comfort food, hoping I will be filled up. But it doesn't work, because the hole was filled up with the wrong thing...... I really don't understand all this, and it is only my thoughts.

I am also aware within me, if I believe someone loves me and I start to feel it, the hole within my heart starts to fill up. Even as I am writing this now to you, I think I need to learn my own lesson here again. As I have believed a particular person doesn't love me today. And I don't want to feel the emptiness.

I cannot write much more now, as I think I am confusing myself.

So here is a little bit of love from me to you, in hope it will help in some way knowing that you matter to me.

Hugs

Shelley xxx

PS I can also relate to fearing what people think of me thing, that you wrote, and also the over thinking as well, this over thinking and fear in me, causes a heaviness within. So maybe this is what is happening to you........