Feeling Down - Needing Support / Advice

[Chuckles1977]

Well my story begins 22 years ago when I ran away from home at the age of just 14 years old. I was from the Mid North Coast and jumped on a bus to Sydney. I had never been there before. So when I got there it was dark, nearing the middle of the night and I was scared.

From them until approx. 4 months ago I was homeless when I found my younger sister and mum through Facebook of all places. My sister invited me to live with her, my future brother in law and 2 young nieces (8 months and 4 years old). I was an Uncle and never knew it until we began talking before moving back up to the Mid North Coast.

A week after moving back up to the Mid North Coast and moving in with my sister and her family I had to go to the doctors to have some tests done which is what I was about to have done in Sydney. Within a matter of days it came back that I have Stage 4 Cancer. It's aggressive and no option of treatment as they feel it would be pointless.

I had to break this to my mum and sister. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My mums first words after being told what the doctors said was 'I just got my son back and now he is going to die on me'. This broke my heart. My sister held her emotions well as her partner was at work. She messaged him and told him the news. He decided to come home so she went and picked him up. They took a long time and I could see when she walked in the door that she had been crying. She broke down as soon as she got with her partner.

Right now I am on some really strong medications to control the pain as it is really bad at times. And sometimes I can't even get to sleep. I find it difficult talking to my mother or sister about my feelings and what is going on in my head. They want to know so they can help, but it's hard to tell them. And I just don't know how to do it.

Now the worst thing is the oncology unit at the local hospital gave me a time frame of roughly how long I have left. And I haven't told them that. And I really don't know how to or even if I should. Because it's not a massive time.

We are trying to spend as much time together doing things and getting lots of photos so there is some good memories before I pass. But with the pain I have been sleeping a lot and we haven't been able to do much lately. I feel that I am a burden on them, even though they say I'm not. I can't help how I feel.

Now, do I tell them the truth about what I know or do I not. My counselor thinks I shouldn't tell them. But to me that's lying.

[White_Rose]

Hello Chuckles

Dropped by to see how you are going. Haven't heard from you. I hope all is well.

Mary

[Chuckles1977]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for making me feel so welcome here especially under my current circumstances. Yesterday I met with a counselor for the first time about this issue and it actually was really great to be able to open up and talk to someone who is not part of my inner circle (so to speak). She recommended that at least for now not telling them because all they will be thinking is of the time frame and counting the days. And I intend to agree with that. Our hour went so fast and I am seeing here again later this month.

Me and my mum are heading to QLD for a 9 day holiday along next Friday where we will be staying with other relatives. I am really looking forward to it. Try and put things out of mind for a few days and just enjoy myself.

I can't thank you all enough for your kind words and support. Oh and BTW my actual name is Zac. And tomorrow (7th) I turn 40 (NOOOOO!) lol.

I will be here on a regular basis now that I know there is a lot of supportive people around. Thanks again. 🙂

[Zeal]

Hey Zac,

It is lovely to hear that you feel supported on this forum! I'm so glad you had a great Christmas and New Year.
I did too. Your sister and brother-in-law sound caring and wonderful, and I'm so glad that you are in each other's lives.

Thinking more about it, I believe that not telling your family about the estimated 'timeframe' is wise. As you said, people often live beyond this estimate. Earlier this year, my Pop (in his 80's) was given days to live after developing chronic pneumonia. Due to his age and Multiple Myeloma diagnosis, the outcome looked bleak. He ended up recovering from the pneumonia, and months later, he is still with us.

Feeling comfortable with this new counsellor is really positive, and it's good that you are seeing her again this month. It's great that you have a 6 day QLD holiday coming up with your Mum! I've been to QLD once before, when I was about 11.

Happy birthday for tomorrow Zac! Turning 40 these days doesn't make you old - just ask anyone who is older than you haha. It's all about perspective. When I was a kid, hearing that someone was 18 made me think they were so much older and wiser. Naturally, my opinion on this has changed! I'm turning 24 in about three weeks' time 🙂

I hope the weather is decent where you live. It is incredibly hot in my city today, so I will be taking refuge in air-con as much as possible!

Best wishes,

Zeal

[White_Rose]

Hello Zac

Lovely to be able to welcome you by name. So you are visiting the Sunshine State shortly. You are very welcome. I live in Brisbane and most of the time I enjoy it. I am not happy when the weather is humid, but at the moment we are getting quite heavy rain. Saves me watering the garden.

I have a birthday in January also, but I'm not really game to write my age out loud. One of my granddaughters also has a birthday in January and she will be seven. Such a lovely age, but then all children are lovely.

Talking to a counsellor can be a positive experience, being able to open up tell the stories of your life. I am so pleased for you. And it's great that you are going again. If you want to tell any of your stories or experiences here please do so. Just be sure it's what you want.

I am going to spend the next few days making dresses for my granddaughter. She likes to tell people, "Grandma made this for me". I enjoy seeing her in the dresses as much as she likes wearing them.

Happy Birthday for tomorrow.

Mary

[Chuckles1977]

I must admit that at the moment I haven't been feeling the best in my mind. I have begun to wonder if my family would be better if I wasn't around. I am not having suicidal thoughts right now, but I have been thinking as the pain continues to get worse and they see what I am going through would they just be better if I wasn't around at all.

I feel it would make it easier for them. Because then they won't have to deal with me anymore and what I am going through. I know they will never forget me. But do I really want the last memories of them to have of me of being in constant pain and pretty much bed ridden? I would rather they just cherish the good memories that we have, especially after getting me back in their lives after 22 years.

I don't know, right now I just feel so confused with all of this. Especially with having such a good Xmas and New Year and probably also an awesome 40th tomorrow. But I think that's the memories I would rather them have. If that makes any sense. Just feel so confused with my thoughts right now.

[Zeal]

Hey Zac,

I just lost the post I wrote to you thanks to my internet, so this is take two!

I'm glad you are not having suicidal thoughts. It's a shame that you're having thoughts that your family would be better off without you though. Their lives would actually be less complete and full without you. From your posts I can tell that you and your family have a warm and close bond. They will always be grateful for this time with you. Seeing you in pain and unwell will be emotionally difficult for them, but this is just the way it is, unfortunately. Many families see loved ones become ill, but they would rather be there as moral support than to not be around.

Perhaps you can make a photo album or write some messages with your family, so that they can look back and vividly remember the great times shared with you.

Do you have plans in place for your 40th birthday tomorrow? Or maybe it will be a surprise! 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[White_Rose]

Hello Zac

I always feel inadequate after reading Zeal's posts. She is so good with her replies. I almost feel I only need to say, "same as Zeal".

When I read your last post post I felt sad that you were considering leaving the family. If they had never been reunited with you then they would not be experiencing your pain. And they would also not be experiencing the joy of finding you again. If I was part of your family I think I would be pleased that you were safe with the family and that you had your family to care for you in the time you have remaining.

It may be that you will need to be in a hospital in the future, who knows. Leave that option until it happens, which it may not. Trust your family not just to care for you but also to be with you. Zeal's suggestion of a photo album is great. This would be a tangible reminder to them of your life and they will always be thankful they had the opportunity to reunite and the privilege of caring for you and making this time happy.

One of the most common expressions of depression is to start believing we have become a burden to the family and friends. It's rarely true and judging by your comments I think your family would be very upset to think you wanted to shorten your time with them. Now that you have found each other relax and enjoy it all. They will not want to throw you out when the going gets tough.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear Zac,

First off White Rose said, talking about your family:-

They will always be thankful they had the opportunity to reunite and the privilege of caring for you

May I tell you my experience- this time it does bear pretty well exactly on what you are facing now.

I was married to my first wife for 25 years. She was a bad asthmatic and had to take a particular type of medication for the latter half of her life, knowing that it had cumulative effects and would degrade bones, heart, and various other vital functions.

Eventually all this caught up with her and she was hospitalized. She remained in hospital for 9 months before she passed away. Always conscious she was for a great deal of time in great pain, had diabetes as a result of the medication and here eyes were failing as a result - and so on.

I'm not giving you all this list to be dramatic, but to give you an idea that she was in a bad way, could communicate poorly at times and was restricted to a bed in a hospital in city away from our house.

I ws hungry for every minute. I got tired and grumpy, my tasks at home and at work were done sloppily, I lived to be with her - when I wasn't I was on speakerphone (she fortunately had a private room)

My son ,and his fiancee smuggled in the dog -and on another occasion a baby wallaby in a bag.

My wife was part of our world and we hung onto it till the last moment

I'm sorry I'll have to stop now

Croix

[White_Rose]

Dear Croix

Such a sad story and yet full of love and compassion. Than you for sharing it. Zac I hope you understand. I know my mom nursed my dad right until then end. She was exhausted but was happy to give what she could to my dad. In the end, what are we if treat people as disposable when they have problems.

Thanks for reminding us Croix of our interdependence and connectedness.

Mary

[Chuckles1977]

Hi All,

Well me and mum are now away on our QLD holiday for 9 days. Arrived last night. I did end up telling mum what is going on. She was a bit shocked, but is being very supportive. I thought that now was the right time to tell her as we are at my aunts place (mums sister), so she has someone she can talk things over with in person instead of over the phone when I am out with my 3 little cousins.

I must say it was hard telling mum exactly what was going on and I asked my aunt to sit in on the conversation as well so she was fully aware of what was going on in case mum needs to talk to her.

The next hard part for me is to tell my younger sister when we get back home. Mum has promised me that she will not say anything and leave it for me to tell her. But will be there to support me when I tell her if I like, which I said Yes too. But I need a little more time. Considering my sister turns 26 next month and she hasn't been in my life for the last 22 years it's a little bit harder in telling her the latest news from the oncology unit.

Things are slowly getting worse day by day pain wise, I have been having a couple of pain free days which is good. I am hoping to have a few whilst I am away so I can do somethings with my cousins and aunt and uncle.

I have decided that I am not going to leave my sisters I am going to stick it out. I didn't really realize the amount of family support I had until last night. I have more then I thought and they are going to back whatever decision I make with anything no matter how hard it is for them. And that is what I need. I need my families love and support and the good thing I have that and didn't really understand that until last night.

I want to thank everyone here for there supportive comments and posts. It has been extremely helpful for me. I am pleased I came to this site as I believe I have also found a group of supportive people here as well that don't even know me from a bar a soap. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. ❤️