I need some help

[Celery]

I have posted on BB previously but truly never seem to know what my real problems are. I am staying temporarily with an adult son (27) and his gf. They do not understand MI despite his gf on AD and self medicating with lots of alcohol every night. I have nowhere else to go at the moment and feel trapped. I have had 4 pshycologists appts and just cry and get of the track when there plus she gives me another supplement each visit. I am on AD. I have a long history of trauma being raised in a home with a violent alcoholic father and a people pleasing mother whom are both deceased though suicide. I cared for my sick father for 2 yrs and he took his life while i was in the house. I did not get any counselling at the time and must of been living in denial of that truama, hence my older sibling blamed me for his death. We have been esstranged for 7 yrs now and i feel the pain everyday of losing my family despite the dysfunction i lived with all my life. I lived in an isolated rural area up until Sept last year and came to the this city area to get help for my MI as i was falling to pieces rapidly and not knowing what was really going on with MI.. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and dysthymia. I am also severly hearing impaird from infancy and this has been difficult in many ways through life with education and just general understanding. I got hear aids 5 yrs ago so people think i can just hear now like eryone else..i cant! I still get lost with conversation and have to be looking at peoples faces..which brings me to the next thing..i have relied on facial expression all my life and often i misread and think people are angry with me. My pshyc said i will not stop feeling anxious and depressed until i settle..i cry everyday and blame mysekf for all the losses in my life and wonder why i keep going. I have no job and my pshcartrist said that i would not likely get one because of my MI and my age. I made a decision last night to drive to my old home to see my dog that i miss so much and my ex partner who still does not no he is an ex. Yes messy and now today im thinking i made the wrong decisiin as atnight time i always feel a lot better and mornings are back to the lows of depression. I have contacted many organisations for help and come to dead ends. I get so tired of having to go over the same stuff to get help. I just want some peace from my own head and why does depression play cruel games?

[Croix]

Dear Celery~
I have no idea why depression plays such cruel games, leaving the bearer with a grey desperate filter over life. It does and I understand a lot - though nothing like all you have before you.

BTW I’m sure you are heartily sick of people saying they understand and then coming to a full stop. My thoughts may well be impractical - still you never know. If you throw paint at a canvass often enough you may sometimes come up with an artwork 🙂

Hearing too has been a (more minor) problem for me. Due to an accident my hearing was more or less lost from one ear, leaving me with a succession of hearing-aids. I have a pair now from Hearing Australia which are the best I’ve ever had, I didn’t have to pay for them though. Even with them I get clues from peoples’ faces, though I don’t lip-read. I tend to avoid places where background noise obliterates all – as I’m sure you do.

The only thing I ever found that was better was a smartphone with headphones and an app – forget which one now. If you shoved the phone under a person’s snoot you could hear everything they said (first they would normally say: ”What’s that thing?” 🙂 Not always practical.

I’m not sure what your pshrink is on about – not getting better till you get better??

I’ve no sage words of advice – I’d use them first on myself if I had. As an ex-policeman with PTSD, anxiety and all the usual suspects it would be nice.

There are only three things that come out of you message that I might take the bit between my teeth and comment on:

Firstly is your psychologist the right one? If you just cry and get off track – well the getting off track might be helped by writing things down in advance perhaps – but on the whole do you think stick with this one or try another?

Secondly your environment, if the current place you live is not supportive can you get out often to a more happy place?

This leads on to my third thought, even if you cannot gain paid employment is there some area where you might be able to help as a volunteer where the people tend to be more cheerful. You mentioned you were more up-beat at the end of the day – what organizations have functions that take place in the evenings or have evening shifts?

No doubt you already know, but if your hearing permits our 24/7 help line is there for you on 1300 22 4636. A caring voice can be a moment of relief. There is the chat line of course if you can’t manage the phone.

If you see your dog give it a pat from me.

Croix