Feeling Down - Needing Support / Advice

[Chuckles1977]

Well my story begins 22 years ago when I ran away from home at the age of just 14 years old. I was from the Mid North Coast and jumped on a bus to Sydney. I had never been there before. So when I got there it was dark, nearing the middle of the night and I was scared.

From them until approx. 4 months ago I was homeless when I found my younger sister and mum through Facebook of all places. My sister invited me to live with her, my future brother in law and 2 young nieces (8 months and 4 years old). I was an Uncle and never knew it until we began talking before moving back up to the Mid North Coast.

A week after moving back up to the Mid North Coast and moving in with my sister and her family I had to go to the doctors to have some tests done which is what I was about to have done in Sydney. Within a matter of days it came back that I have Stage 4 Cancer. It's aggressive and no option of treatment as they feel it would be pointless.

I had to break this to my mum and sister. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My mums first words after being told what the doctors said was 'I just got my son back and now he is going to die on me'. This broke my heart. My sister held her emotions well as her partner was at work. She messaged him and told him the news. He decided to come home so she went and picked him up. They took a long time and I could see when she walked in the door that she had been crying. She broke down as soon as she got with her partner.

Right now I am on some really strong medications to control the pain as it is really bad at times. And sometimes I can't even get to sleep. I find it difficult talking to my mother or sister about my feelings and what is going on in my head. They want to know so they can help, but it's hard to tell them. And I just don't know how to do it.

Now the worst thing is the oncology unit at the local hospital gave me a time frame of roughly how long I have left. And I haven't told them that. And I really don't know how to or even if I should. Because it's not a massive time.

We are trying to spend as much time together doing things and getting lots of photos so there is some good memories before I pass. But with the pain I have been sleeping a lot and we haven't been able to do much lately. I feel that I am a burden on them, even though they say I'm not. I can't help how I feel.

Now, do I tell them the truth about what I know or do I not. My counselor thinks I shouldn't tell them. But to me that's lying.

[Zeal]

Hi Chuckles,

Welcome to the forum!

I am deeply sorry and saddened to hear about your aggressive cancer diagnosis. I am honestly so glad that you have a safe home to live in during this difficult time. You have the close support of three caring people (plus having the young energy from your two nieces), which you need and deserve. I can tell from your post that your Mum and sister love you very much. Though you may feel like a burden, that's not the case, and your family would want to support you emotionally. Maybe you could talk to them about your personal feelings bit by bit, by starting small.

It's wonderful that you are spending as much time as possible with each other and making memories, even though you are unfortunately fatigued and in pain. If your Mum and sister know most things about your medical situation and feel informed, then not telling them about the doctor's estimation of time you have left isn't a big issue, in my opinion. You could take your Counsellor's advice to not tell them, but it is ultimately your decision. Do what you feel is best for you and your family.

I hope you have a memorable New Year's Eve. I wish you all the best for the time you have to spend with your beautiful family.

Warm wishes,

Zeal

[Quiettall]

Hello Chuckles

I support Zeal's comments here. I also think that it is more important that you make the most of every day, every hour and every second you have with those you are close to. None of us know when we will end our life.....I wonder whether they have an idea of how long, whether you have told them or not?

Maybe it is worth trying to share one thing at a time, instead of spilling the beans on the whole story. As you let them in on one thing at a time, you can monitor their reaction, how you feel and whether it is helping both you and them.

Feel free to continue posting as there are others here who care about you and want to support you

Have a happy New Year...do something small, simple but special for yourself and those close to you....make a good memory

[geoff]

hi Chuckles, I only wish your comment was one we could enjoy, but sadly it's far from that and I am so deeply sorry for you because your life has been a real struggle.
It's an enormous question whether or not to tell your mum and sister, because there have been times when people have far out lasted what their doctor has told them, which I dearly hope for you, however by telling them means that they will be counting down the days, which would be pure agony and devastation that every day passes for them, and this could upset you even more than the suffering you are experiencing.
Being on massive dosages for pain relief unfortunately won't stop the continual pain you are under, so there will be many indicators for your mum and sister to notice which is happening to you, so they will naturally notice how much this cancer has got hold of you and then understand what the consequences lay ahead without you saying anything.
I have looked after a couple of elderly men who had cancer so I can understand what you are going through and the pain especially what is going through your own mind at the moment.
I don't know why people have to suffer like this, but there is no answer to this, and I only wish I could give you one, to explain why, but I can't, and that's where I feel as though I'm being of no use to you, but to know this just throws me apart, and perhaps this is how your mum and sister will feel.
Sincerely I want to wish you all the very best, but I say this with a broken heart. Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear Chuckles

Hello and a happy new year to you. I really do wish you as much happiness as you can cram into your life, despite this dreadful cancer. I am so sorry you are in this situation just as you rediscover your family. The others who have written above have commented that your family will know your health is deteriorating without being told. So rather than putting them through the pain, let your condition gradually unfold.

Do you want to talk about your life on the streets? I know it was hard but I am wondering if you told your family bits and pieces they will have a better picture of your life. Your feelings about the family will be part of this story and I think will help them now and in the future.

I watched my sister and a dear friend pass away from cancer and I was amazed at the courage they showed. My dad also died from cancer, although I was in Australia and the rest of my family in the UK, and I was not there when he died. What I am saying is that I knew they would go soon without the need for them to be explicit. I know it helped them to talk about their lives and I was so pleased I could be with them during that time. Never feel you are a burden of some kind. You have much catching up to do with your family and, if I may suggest, this will help and comfort them in the future. I suspect it will be good for you to know what everyone has done in their lives.

These are precious times for all of you. Be kind to yourself and show as much love as you can for the family. Had you not found these people I suspect your life would be ending in a hospital, with no one to bring you comfort. It is sad that your family has been reunited only to part again. But it's also good they have found you, if only for a short time.

I wish you well. If it helps to continue to write in here please do so. We are always here.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear Chuckles
Please excuse these ramblings, they are just for me – I know you are a different person in a different place

When I was young I wanted to be in control – to fix the broken, to do things ‘right’. I was correct to feel this way in my youth – it was necessary, how else would anything get done?

Now sidling up to 70 and after one (groundless) recent scare I look around and find that I can’t fix everything and there really is no obligation to do so – to some extent I’m relieved of that responsibility, to some extent I never had it in the first place (though custom and ego always told me I did)

I do what I can

I also discovered -for me- painful honesty does not trump all – I did not tell my son. I enjoyed what I could of him and left it at that (the big twerp had a good idea anyway as it turns out)

I found being with those who love me is the boon, as is loving them

I love White Rose’s post

Recounting the past can be good. Your post shows you are very able to do so. It can give a gift for the listener to hold onto

I don’t know what to wish for you except for the pain to lessen and for you to have the time you need

Croix

[Chuckles1977]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for your comments, support and advice. I was really at a loss until I just read through these messages. We did have a wonderful Christmas and New Year. Quiet and low key just spending time together. I know my sister and brother in law did have other plans, but they changed them to stay at home and have a low key new years with me and mum. Which was great.

I think I can honestly open up to them about my past on the streets and I really don't think it's a good idea that I tell them about the time frame I have been given. I don't want to put more stress on them or a countdown clock (so to speak) and as we know, people do live longer then doctors say from time to time, and hopefully in my case that will also be the case. But only time will tell.

And yes, I will be a regular member here now that I know there is so many supportive and wonderful people out there. Thank you all again 🙂

[Croix]

Dear Chuckles

I'm extremely gad you have come back, and that your news is so good.

I'm sure opening up about your past will be a great thing to do. In my own family thee are so many untold stories - just old photos of men and women who lived full lives and are now just a mystery.

We all look forward to your presence here when you can

Croix

[White_Rose]

Hello Croix

Just sidling up to 70. I have never heard approaching a certain age described in that way. It's a fantastic word picture. Nearly 70! My mental picture of you was of a much younger man, no older than 68.😊 Seriously though I had pictured you as a much younger person.

Hello Chuckles

So pleased you have decided to continue writing in here. Sounds like a great Christmas. I have four children and eight grandchildren so when we are all together it's a big crowd. And often noisy. Being with family is good, being part of a group of people who love you without reservations. Way to go Chuckles.

I started researching my family tree years ago. Found all sorts of interesting facts, including a gaol-bird. What I would have liked to do is talk to my grandparents, both sets, about their lives. I do know a lot so we must have talked about family at times and I have retained these memories. This will be the same for you and your family.

My daughter visited me today with her two children. A couple of comments referred to old family jokes which made my daughter and me laugh while the children looked confused. So I explained them. I think it is this sort of thing that holds the family together, their history in family stories and sayings. These all become so precious as we progress in life. I do hope you can listen to all the stories and jokes and feel part of the family again.

Be as much a part of the family as you can. Talk about your life. I am pleased you have made this decision to recount your life experiences. I learned so much about my sister in her last months and I wondered why I had not heard it before. True I am in Oz and she in the UK but still. We simply sat together everyday and talked about whatever came up. It was a happy time in many ways because I found my sister again. Not that she was lost, just that distance between us was so great. I will never regret the months I spent with her.

Mary

[YoYo_Steve]

Hi Chuckles, really sorry to hear about your health situation. From my experience, which is unfortunately quite a bit, there's no right or wrong decision with regards to what you tell your family. I've lost several family members to cancer and other health issues.

I'm sure they will be eternally grateful to have you back in their lives again. Don't ever think of yourself as a burden; you're not.

I hope you get to spend as much time with your family as possible.

Best wishes