Feeling dark all over again.

[NellieJ]

I haven’t been on this forum for while. I guess not wanting to admit to the fact that I’m feeling exactly the same as I did 5 years. Only now the dark side is scary and affecting everyday life. Happy and fulfilled days are getting less. I’m back to tears, for what appears to be no reason, restlessness and concentration are extremely difficult. I’ve taken to scrapbooking to try to get my mind thinking about a particular activity and “achieve” something. I’ve gotten so good at making cards for every type of occasion and decorative boxes that you can put just about anything in, to the extent that now I don’t know what to do with it all. Sleep is basically impossible. I feel as if I’m in a constant state of nervous unrest. I worry to the enth degree about everything to the point that I feel sick to the stomach and heart going a thousand miles an hour. I have a brother-in-law that has severe depression problems and have mentioned the way I feel a couple of times to family, but just get “you’re just worrying over nothing” or “suck it up, there’s nothing wrong with you” it’s probably just menopause. It’s taken me ages to write this as I keep deleting it thinking I’m just having stupid feelings.

[geoff]

Hello NellieJ, and a warm welcome to the forums and sorry that your thread hasn't been answered, unfortunately, this can happen if the site is busy, my apologies.

I'm concerned about how you are feeling, and want to ask you if you can do a couple of things, click on 'The Facts' and scroll down until you see 'K-10', it's a depression test and are you able to it a few times, but not straight after the other.

Are you then able to get a diagnosis from your doctor, I can have an idea of what it is, but I'm not qualified to say but would be keen to know if possible.

Scrapbooking and making cards are also something I loved doing as a kid.

Take care.

Geoff.

[NellieJ]

Hi Geoff, I have taken the K10 test numerous times and always score high. I am returning to the forum after 5 years so no need to apologise for no one answering. Back then I went to the Doctor and he said had me fill out the same sort of test. Again I scored high. He gave me some medication (I was too scared to take them, thinking “I don’t need them” and sent me off to a psychiatrist and I worked with her for a while. Cognitive therapy. I thought I was getting better, feeling better until she basically abused me one day for not writing down my positive thoughts. I felt really good prior to her appointment. A feeling that I was actually getting somewhere, however after the outburst, I fell into a screaming heap and never went back. I felt that if I was going to be reprimanded, maybe I was just wasting everyone’s time. Over the last 5 years, I have had numerous ups and downs, but the downs always outweigh the ups. I sometimes feel like “is this all there is and am I going to feel like this for the rest of my life.” When I do get with friends, I feel like everyone is enjoying themselves and I have to put on an act to appear like I’m happy. I’ve gotten very good at hiding the way I feel. I live in a very small town and have to travel significantly to get anywhere and trying to get a doctors appointment is difficult. Probably because I really don’t want to feel judged all over again. I know I will probably have to but I just don’t know now what to say, because I just don’t know what it is that’s making me feel this way.

[geoff]

Hi Nellie, that's an inexcusable way to treat you, I'm really sorry it happened.

You go there for help and get abused by your psychiatrist, instead, they should be encouraging you to talk with them and I was treated the same way by them and that's why I decided to see a psychologist, she was great and got to see her for 20 years.

It does sound to be a long time but WorkCover paid the bills.

I know it's frightening to start the antidepressants (AD) but ask your doctor to start you off on a low dose, just to see how you go.

Pretending to be fine is hard work, especially when you're by yourself, then you break down.

You won't ever be judged here, so it would be terrific to hear back from you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.