It’s finally time I get myself help

[tashajay92]

Hey I don’t know how to do this so I guess I will start by saying I have been suffering anxiety pretty much since I was a child buy it’s only been very bad in the last 2+ years.

My family lost one of my brothers who, from what I was told from my mother, I had a special bond with. He was 9 and I was only 10 months old when it happened. I still feel our missing piece till this day. A couple of years later my father walked out on us and moved state and he was never around or had never bothered. I had to see a therapist when I was a child cause of it.

All throughout school I was the main target for bullying, I still don’t know why but I guess it was because I was quiet and never stood up for myself so I was an easy target, I never wanted to go to school and I can remember going to sleep some nights and hoping I didn’t wake up or I woke up somewhere different cause I didn’t want to go back to that school. The bullying stopped when I was 14 and finally cracked and started standing up for myself.

When I was 16 mum packed us up and we moved 4 hours away to the city where I could start fresh, I was in a new school, made new friends and every was actually going well for a while then when I was 18 I got into my 1st serious relationship. It was all fine at the start then it quickly turned into his gaslighting me, emotionally abusing me and constantly cheating on me, the relationship lasted about three years, my anxiety got bad again and I developed depression. He ended the relationship without a reason and all I wanted to do was end my life cause I thought I was the reason it ended and my self esteem was so low and I just felt empty and alone. I almost did commit one night but didn’t go through with it. Not long after I decided I needed to help myself and I slowly got myself better and the depression slowly went away.

A couple of months later I got into my 2nd serious relationship, unfortunately he was here on a visa and when it ended the relationship was long distance for a while. He moved back over after a while and we started the visa and everything was fine up until the last 6 months of our relationship he he got very weird on me but would never communicate but would complain when I didn’t communicate. A couple of months later I caught him out cheating on me. My anxiety got real bad after that.

i will continue this story on the comments cause there isn’t enough room for my massive vent on here.

[tashajay92]

Ok to continue.

a couple of months later I packed up my things, moved interstate and travelled Europe for 6 weeks solo and had the absolute time of my life.

I have made some amazing friends in the almost three years I’ve lived here and I am currently in a polyamorous relationship with two people who make me extremely happy and treat me better then anyone has. Though from my last experiences with relationships I have the anxiety and fear everyday that I’m going to be let down again, even though know deep down I know they would never step on me like that and they are amazing at supporting my with my anxiety.

Im just so over the fear and I worry that my anxiety is going to get in the way of my relationship.

[quirkywords]

Welcome tashajay and welcome to these friendly and supportive forums.

Well done for having the courage to tell your story honestly and for starting your first thread.

You certainly have had a lot of grief, loss, separation, bullying, emotional abuse, infidelity in your past.

I understand you are happy now in a relationship you still worry that your anxiety will possible spoil the relationship in some way.

Sometimes when things are going well for us we can not enjoy them and worry that something will change to upset the happiness we feel. I can relate to that . The trouble is , all the worrying does is make us not appreciate what we have as we are worrying what might happen.

Have you tried any techniques like mediation, or mindfulness?

If you can stay in the moment and be grateful for what you have now, hopefully you can remain calm.

Thanks again for sharing your story.

Quirky