Feeling completely alone and like giving up

[mc1622]

This is my first time since I was a kid that I've tried to reach out but I'm at the point where I know I need to talk to someone. I moved to Australia 2 years ago from Canada and it seems like a constant struggle since day one. I gave up everything I had back home to be with my partner here and although I love him very much, it's becoming extremely overwhelming. I haven't met any friends, his family and I don't get along although I have tried everything and it's become a wedge between us. I recently lost my job leaving me with zero income with adult responsibilities still to pay for, found out that my partner (after a year and a bit of being here he finally decided to come clean after being confronted numerous times) had cheated on me 3 times when we lived together in Canada and he lied to me about everything. I feel completely isolated and alone and when I get upset I need to walk away to avoid massive blow outs. I have pre existing depression and anxiety and it's increasingly getting worse every day. Sometimes I will just start crying and not have a reason that I can explain to anyone to have them understand. I have no one to talk to and feel like every time my partner and I try to discuss anything, it's turned around on me that I'm the one with the problem. It's hard enough to make friends as an adult but I feel with my anxiety that it's next to impossible. I've always felt like I'm a strong individual but inside I'm struggling to survive. I have next to zero trust in any one due to previous abuse (multiple types) from friends and family as a child continuing on to adulthood. The current relationship trust issues are extremely hard to get over. I feel hard headed in trying to stick up for myself but am always brought down and made to feel like it was my fault somehow. I feel like after losing my job (I have been looking non stop for a new one), that I am worthless and can't contribute to anything that I'd like to and that I'm just a burden. My defence mechanisms have become anger I guess...I get so upset when I feel like I've been wronged and in my head it clicks in to "well, why did you trust them anyways?" and I get angry with myself that I let it happen. I don't know where to start to deal with any of it other than to write it down like I have here...and if anyone does reply, than it's an added bonus haha

RELATED THREADS

Anxiety - feeling alone, like I am going crazy

I feel nothing and I don't care about anything anymore

Can't stop crying for no reason

Feeling alone and stuck

Feeling alone, now realise I'm not the only one

[Neil_1]

Hi there mc1622

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and providing your post.

It sounds like it’s been more than a difficult time for you for so long, in fact, it’s sounds like it’s been bloody hard.  A little like going down a road and then it ends up being a dead-end.  And with all that you’ve had to endure, I can see why your trust levels would be so low.

May I ask if you’ve been able to seek out any professional support??   Seeing a GP or perhaps any counselling service?

I would like to suggest that if you’re ok to do so, I would be seeking out support, initially from a GP and if you don’t know of one;  on this website, Beyond Blue have a list of them that can be searched for.  Hopefully you can narrow it down to find one or more in your local area.  The thing with these GP’s is that they are all trained in dealing with mental health issues and as such, they’d be then best able to advise you on for alternative professional (psychologist) counselling and/or possible medication.

I am pretty sure you’ll be receiving other responses as well;  and so between a few of us, I do hope we can give you ok advice and above all else, caring support for you.

Kind regards

Neil

[mc1622]

Hi Neil,
 Thank you so much for your reply...it's nice to hear from someone. It's been an extremely tough road with you're right...a dead end. I can't seem to please anyone and least of all but most importantly, myself. I was just granted my temporary permanent residency and just filled out the paper work for a medicare card so when I get that I will be able to get affordable help. I have thought about seeking professional help again for quite some time but have financially been un able to do so and it's been hard to come to the realisation that I'm in a pretty dark spot again and actually need some help. I thought for a while I just needed a friend and needed fun things in my life again and that would be enough but mentally, I don't think that would be enough (although a massive improvement) at this point. Just even writing to someone who is willing to take time out of their day to listen makes me feel a lot less isolated and alone and I thank you for that 🙂 

 Megan

[Neil_1]

Hi Megan

Hey, thank you so much for your response back.  I’m really pleased that you’ve found this to be helpful – and I can understand why, cause that’s why there’s so many people on this site and forum.  We’re all talking with like-minded people who DO understand and that makes a massive difference.

Yes, professional help can end up being very expensive – so hopefully with your securing your Medicare card, that will help you.  I’ve heard of different posters on here saying that if you get referred to a psychologist via a GP, you can have up to 10 appointments free.  I have never found that option (damn it – cause that would be awesome), but with my referrals to my psyche, I get a percentage off her bill – so at least I don’t have to pay the full amount.  

And depending on where you are located in Australia, you may have doctors available who ‘bulk bill’, which means Medicare take care of the entire bill.  That option was great, until a few years ago they stopped doing that in the city that I live in.  So again, it’s a percentage to pay – then Medicare takes care of the rest.

When you’re in a dark place, it is such a struggle to get through each day, let alone to be trying to seek out things of interest or fun that might help you out.  It just seems to take up so much mental energy to push yourself through a day, that it leaves you kind of exhausted and flat, so you can’t really go and do ‘other stuff’.  I hope that makes sense.

But just on that, and you don’t need to write back what they are, but it might be good to write a list of some of the things that you really enjoy.  And that can be anything – reading a book, taking photos, movies, music, cycling, running, walking, etc etc – just anything. 

Write as many as you wish too – and then later on, go back through that list and choose one that’s perhaps going to be most easy for you to do.  Kind of searching for a very realistic and achievable goal – those are the best kinds of goals, cause they’re made that way, so you can achieve it and tick it off.  And any kind of goal achieved is a brilliant thing and you then should feel very good about yourself.

Sorry, another long post from me.  I do hope you can write back again.  🙂

Neil

[mc1622]

Hey Neil.

That does make a lot of sense, because it's exactly how I feel! To leave the house give me a massive anxiety attack and at the end of the day although it feels like I've accomplished nothing, I'm still exhausted.

It definitely is a crap situation when it feels like help is too expensive to get and the financial stress makes it a catch 22 haha, so this site is a saving grace and the support I've already received from it and yourself means the world to me. I will have to look further in to what my area can offer me!

Writing things down that I enjoy/used to enjoy seems like a really good idea and if I can get back in to at least one of those things...it's a great start! I'll do that today. Thanks for that.

 As I'm working on myself I feel even more sensitive and vulnerable and feel like I'm a bit confused in how to deal with those around me when they give me ultimatums on how I should fix things and in what time frame. I know they don't understand what I'm going through and are just trying to offer help in the way they know how but I find myself even further getting upset by what they're saying and how they say it. I saw on this site tips on how to talk to someone with depression and all of that but I don't want to...not bother but...not annoy them further with my issues and have them be more involved when they don't want to or whatever they're feeling towards it all. I sometimes feel like I've already asked too much with them dealing with my issues already and that it would even further push them away if I asked for their understanding a bit more. 

Megan

[Neil_1]

Hi Megan

You hit the nail on the head – it IS the ultimate catch 22 situation – I’m going out on a limb here, but I would think there’d be a huge number of people suffering mental illness who require good quality help, but are unable to get it, due to financial constraints.  It simply doesn’t make sense.  The other thing that bugs me a bit is that, in order to get some appointments with my psychologist, you have to go to your own Doctor and get a mental health assessment done (or a review of it).  And you know, all that simply DOES take it out of you.  All of that is one massive effort to go and do, but it has to be done if you are wanting to take that next positive step in treatment.  Sorry, bit of a small rant there.

Ok, with regard though to your network of people who you’ve no doubt told about your illness and their advice and attitude towards you, I’m sensing this is a bit of a biggie for you (and rightly so as well).  I can fully understand your feelings of sensitivity, being vulnerable and above all else, feeling confused as well – and in that fragile kind of state, to be then given ultimatums AND deadlines (good grief) for what you should do and when it should be done by. 

These people (and bless their cotton socks) have simply no idea about mental health issues and are of the mindset that things must change for you and quickly – and their life is pretty much ok and just cannot imagine how difficult it is dealing with a mental health illness.

I think for as much as possible it would be beneficial for you to avoid these people (with regard to any advice for you and your illness).  By all means go out with them, see them, etc and so forth, but I wouldn’t be bringing up anything personal to them.  They may ask from time to time, and just tell them that you’re trying different mechanisms to try and battle your illness.

Something like that – I hope I haven’t been too forward in this and hope I’ve written something that made sense again.

Kind regards

Neil

[Beltane]

Hun, it's not my place to tell you what to do with your relationship. Just think about it won't you. He cheated on you before you even moved to a whole new country for him, now you feel you can't talk to him as he makes you feel it's your fault.

Just make sure staying is what you want to do. 

i know you already feel alone but hlike, you can talk to me, you can talk to all the fine people on here. You could leave of you wanted, get yourself well, and find someone who'll love you and appreciate you, stay loyal to you, and will support you however he can rather than blame you for a mental illness that isn't your fault 

don't fir a second believe it's your fault. Did you chose to have depression? And no one in the world deserves the pain of depression, so you didn't do anything to deserve it. Your life has fallen on hard times as all lives do at some point and your loved ones and partner need to support you not make you feel like it's your fault. 

You ca ring beyondblue on the number on the website, I'm sure they can help somehow to get you some kind of mental health support despite your lack of medicare card/ citizenship/ money. You need care and support and I'm sure there's help. 

 just make sure you put your needs first and make sure that staying with him is what you need/ want. 

[mc1622]

Hey Neil!

Your advice has helped tremendously so far and have given me hope and confidence in working on myself. I've explained to the people who don't understand (and my partner) that although I appreciate the help and need their support, I don't need a timeline in when it has to be fixed or exactly how you (they) think I should fix it. It's my depression and my situation and only I know what steps work for me to get the ball rolling. If they're not prepared to support me in the way I need it, and not be "fixed" when they want, then there is nothing I can do for them because this is something I need. 

Beltane, 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post 🙂

I think he is going through a lot of hard stuff at the moment as well and has no clue on how to deal with it so he pushes the blame on others...No excuse whatsoever and I've made it quite clear that I don't/didn't deserve any of what was put on to me especially all the effort I've made to make it work. Its been a year exactly (weird) since I've found out about him cheating and we've had multiple massive discussions/fights about what he had done and how I didn't deserve any of it and he is definitely remorseful, embarrassed, and gut wrenched that he did what he did. He knows that the trust has to be rebuilt and it's not going to be easy nor rebuilt in a miraculous amount of time. I made it clear that I am worth more than that, deserve better than that, and deserve 100% of his respect in order to move on with anything. 

He understands the amount of hurt it's brought me and understands what I need from him from here on out. It's really hard because he is my best friend, feels like my soul mate, takes very good care of me, and the man that I've always known him to be...didn't seem to be the type to do those things and that's the biggest thing I struggle with. I've told him as well that there is no turning anything on me because I see straight through what he's doing and that he needs to talk with some one as well about his insecurities and why he does the things he does. 

 After being on this site it has made me feel confident in how I want to be treated in life. I am tired of putting in 150% of everything I have in to every one in my life and slowly but surely I am realising that sometimes, some people need to leave your life for a while in order for it to all make sense and come around again at a better place. If that makes sense?

Thanks so much guys, I hope to continue talking:)

[Neil_1]

Hi Megan

Awesome to hear back from you.  Beltane’s post to you was a ripper and gave some very good points and thoughts.   Was great to read your responses back as well.

Yep, you’re the one who is battling and doing it tough.  You’re the one that “others” should be divulging 150% of their time to supporting you – but I think the only people in this world who would be capable of doing something like that, would be fellow sufferers.  I think people who suffer mental illness to be the most caring, kind, considerate and supportive people – oh apart from Butchers!   Have you ever noticed that?   Butcher’s seem to be the most friendly, cheery, happy people that I’ve ever come across.  Just something I’ve noticed over the years.

So for the upcoming future, you’ve got to keep fighting the fight with this illness and keep putting yourself out there – first.

I do hope to keep seeing you post here as well;  and if there’s other things you’d like to raise, then please do so.

Kind regards

Neil

[Beltane]

As long as you know that you absolutely deserve to be mentally well and happy, and you absolutely deserve to be in a relationship you truly feel happy, supported snd like you can trust in. That may be your partner- you can certainly rebuild trust with time. It certainly sounds like he's struggling- is he australian? Would he be willing to seek therapy? You may be able to go together and get couples counselling! That could be a great idea. You could learn to communicate better together, he could learn to support you, you could talk about the trust issues and insecurities you majored you both struggled with.

some people aren't willing to consider couples counselling, but I don't thin this is just an issue completely on your end- I think you end your own private counselling too to really get on top of your own stuff, but the relationship needs healing and work done too, and he needs to get on board with that.

I know your money/ finances are tough. See if BeyondBlue can help you find any support you can afford. In the meantime, are you a fan of reading? There are some great therapy books (not to be confused with crappy self-help books).

my favourite so far is "the happiness trap" by dr Russ Harris. It's based on acceptance and commuter therapy. It may not speak to you but it rally spoke to me. Otherwise have a look on eBay, or on amazon for a digital book you could read on a kindle or smartphone they you like the sound of. Try to find one that seems like it was written by a professional- someone who has some sort of mental health education. A good book will make sense to you on a very deep level- and the ideas it suggests for techniques you can use will make sense to you, though they may be hard to learn. If you're reading it going "is is ridiculous"- find another book. 

I also love love a book called "opening the door of your heart: and other buddhist tales of happiness" by a Buddhist monk named Ajahn Brahm. It's not a therapy book but I found the stories so inspiring, relaxing, heartwarming. It's not cheesy or overly sweet- it's very sensible and practical. I found it a delight to read. 

Also there are some lovely apps for guided meditations, relaxation medications ect, therapy apps.

ACT Companion, Get Some Headspace, Smiling Mind, Moody Me, What's my M3 are some that I can personally vouch for and speak highly of. They won't replace therapy but may offer great comfort while you wait for therapy