feel completely invisible to the world

[Lilyn]

Today is not a good day. I feel very alone....I am finding it hard to express just how I am feeling. I don't have anyone in my life and that is making dealing with  my illness even harder. Most people seem to have a partner/husband/friends/family around in some capacity. I do not. And it is all at my own doing. I responded to someone on here a few days ago who expressed similar feelings but they talked about having a supportive husband and children. I suggested that their feelings of being a terrible person, unworthy and incapable of love and care could not be true as they had their husband and children- it would not be possible for them to have that if they were the way they felt they are. That has stayed with me as clearly I am unable to have a relationship of any kind. So that must mean that I really am just a terrible person, not worth anything to anyone. No one wants to be around me.  I am completely alone. I sit in my home day after day with no interaction with anyone. No one calls to see how I am or ask me to spend time with them. I am just left to myself. I am completely isolated. I have nothing  to look forward to. Nothing brings me joy. I don't know what I like or am interested in. I feel so lost. I feel so unloved. I feel so uncared for. I feel like I don't exist. I feel so pathetic. I am drowning in self pity but not having anyone who believes in me or even likes me makes it seem almost impossible to get out of. I have made so many mistakes in my life and it feels like this is what I deserve.

I recently reached out to a couple of people from my past work. Neither of them has answered me. Being ignored like that just makes me believe even more how bad I am. I must be. It was and is very hard for me to reach out to anyone so that in itself was a huge thing for me. And being silently rejected by them has pushed me back to where I was. There is no one in my corner. I am all alone and feel completely invisible to the world. 

[charlottesometimes]

Hi Lilyn

That sounds amazingly painful.

You say that you have made attempts to reach out to people. That takes courage, especially when feeling as you do. Can I challenge the idea that no one wants you around. I find that people, myself included, are lazy and take the path of least resistance. It isn't that they don't want YOU around it is probably that there are more familiar people, or they have patterns of interacting already. It isn't personal to you. You are reaching out, you are starting your own new pattern. Keep going.

In here you are not alone. You do exist.

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Lilyn,

You are not alone. We here on the forums see you. Maybe we can't be there physically, but not only do we see you, we care. We can also take the wieght of what's going on, even if only for a little while.

I know how hard it can be to reach out. I have felt the fear of someone calling me and thinking, while staring at the phone, 'Couldn't they have texted?" Talking to someone is so hard sometimes and in our darker times, more than any other. There have been times where I have frozen just at the sound of a text coming through.

You have reached out to people, twice.. You should give yourself a pat on the back for that. How long has it been since you contacted them may I ask?

Take Care and Talk Soon,

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi Lilyn

You know what, when I think of what a terrible person is, I usually would consider someone who has maimed animals or has some sort of criminal record … things like that.  Lilyn, excuse me for really going personal here, but have you done any of those things?   No need to answer as I’ll answer it for you.  NO, you have not.  Therefore, you are not a terrible person.

Lilyn, this is plain and simple … you are a person who is suffering from an awful illness and as such it beats you up every day and makes you feel all these awful things about yourself. 

I’ve seen (and read) some of your posts on this site and you have a wonderful warm nature, you are someone who is knowledgeable and intelligent and above all, you are someone who is caring – caring for other people who are not well themselves.  So I’m sorry if I’m broken down some of your post and challenged you on it, but I truly believe and know that the above of what I’ve posted is the truth.  I’m not being a big head here, I’m just calling it as I see it … from how you’ve described yourself to how you project yourself when helping others on this site.

However, I do agree with you in that, yes when you’re alone it can be difficult – and yes, you can feel isolated.  The part where nothing brings me joy is something that is a constant for I think almost all mental illness sufferers.  That’s the real hard part – and I’m going to chase this up with you, in a short while.

Firstly though, have you no family that are close by or that you can get in touch with?  Is there “one” person that you can think of that you could contact to ask for a coffee or a chat??  Just one?   When you went to make contact with those couple of ex work colleagues, what medium did you do that via?   Phone, email or the dreaded facebook (I say dreaded, as I’ve never used it and can’t see myself ever using it – I just think it’s far too intrusive and has some silly rules about defriending people etc and people who suffer from depression to have something like that to be faced with, cannot be a good thing for their mental stability – sorry, facebook rant over). 

When you say you reached out … was that to ask to meet up for a coffee or some such thing?

Now with regards to interests, Lilyn.  You say you don’t know what you’re interested in … can I possibly make a few suggestions to see if any of these spike something in your memory that jumps out and says, “Hey yeah, I remember I used to do that, or yes, I did enjoy that when I used to do that”.  Bear with me here:  🙂

Things like:   sports (are you into any sports – anything at all – swimming, running, cycling, golf, tennis, netball, indoor sports of soccer or volleyball – I could go on, but you get my drift), horse riding, gardening, bush walking, visiting art galleries, ten pin bowling, reading books, TV shows, cooking, writing … things along those lines.  I’m sure there’s 100’s of other things, but for the time being, how about I give you that list to work through.

 It’d be awesome to hear back from you Lilyn

 Kind regards

Neil

[Lilyn]

Hi Charlotte, GA and Neil

Thank you so much for your responses. Thank you for hearing me. 

One of the things that is making me feel the way I do is the lack of relationships I have in my life. I have not been able to maintain any at all. There is not one person I can call to have a chat or catch up with for coffee. In fact it is the opposite. I reached out to a couple of people that I used to work with as mentioned above. That was via email almost two weeks ago and both have ignored me. There was another person I used to work with who I called before Christmas. I could tell when she answered the phone that she was not thrilled to hear from me, you could just tell in her voice. However she was polite enough to endure a conversation with me. I suggested catching up with her over the Christmas break and she said she would call me. She never did. I followed up with a text message after a few weeks and she replied to me she was very busy and didn't have a lot of spare time but maybe we could squeeze in something one evening- again she said she would call me. She didn't call but sent a text the evening of our supposed catch up saying she couldn't make it and would call me. I haven't heard from her since. 

Another person I know, who also suffers from depression, text messaged me back at the start of January asking how I was going. I replied telling her that I was finding it difficult being so alone. Again, I never got a reply.

The family member I reached out to when I was considering moving interstate also cancelled her plan to catch up with me at the last minute and I have not heard from her since. 

I closed down my Facebook page quite some time ago as I was constantly being defriended. I was even blocked by several people- people who I was never even friends with by obviously just the sight of my name was repulsive enough for them to go to the extreme of blocking me. I was so heartbroken each time it happened and I ended up closing it down completely.

So you see, I AM a terrible person. All of the evidence points to that exactly. How can I believe otherwise? I find that people just don't care about me at all. They just leave me to it, knowing I am all alone with no one to talk to or be with.

That is also where I have lost motivation to do anything. I cried myself to sleep again last night......believing that this is my punishment for being so bad. This is what I deserve.

I read others who are also struggling similarly to how I am but they have a husband or children or girlfriends or family. I am so jealous of that and always think "what I would do if I just had that one person who supported me that I could lean on. They don't know how lucky they are". But I don't. 

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Lilyn,

One of the terrible things about this illness is it makes see only negatives and none of the positives. You see a person who has no one. I see a person who had a list of people to contact, whether they were successful or not. I see a person who has the courage to reach out to those people, even though you were feeling oh so fragile and scared. You reached out to them anyway, just like you reached out on this forum.

That is not the act of a terrible person. That is the act of someone kicking and screaming to live, crying for help. There is no shame in asking for help. There is no shame in asking for some company when you feel so alone.

ALso, there are people who care about you. Neil and I care about you. We ddn't read your name and ber repulsed by a terrible person. We read your name, heard you what you were saying and stepped up to say that we care, you're not alone. It isn't just us. All the views on this post didn't come from us three. There are others in the forum, too shy to come out of the woodwork who heard you and have checked in to see you are OK. *waves to lurkers in cyberspace*

There are people that care. There are people that you matter to. maybe we can't be there in person, but how about we try to organise that? Have you tried contacting any others? Or following up with the people you have contacted? Can I ask to do that, just one, just try contact one again. In the mean time, while they respond we'll be here.

I hope I hear from you again,

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi Lilyn

While I express myself in my own "special" way (yes my mum always said that I was special) ... can you please read GA's latest post and then do me a favour and read it again.  It was superb.  That what I was alluding to when I started this post, I express myself in a certain way, but the way that GA linked all those words together produced one hell of a fantastic post.  I really enjoyed it and I hope it resonated big time for you.

And yes, I have no idea how many "lurkers" there are on Beyond Blue, I suspect there would be a reasonable number and that's absolutely great ... people who come and follow posts and keep up to date with how others are travelling.  And it's most probably because they (a) want to see if others are suffering like them (b) and what pieces of advice they might be able to pick up (c) as well as, seeing someone like yourself Lilyn and wanting to follow because they feel a repoir, a link with you and want to see if you come through this ok.  They are all sweeping generalisations I've just made, from the mind of Neil.  I don't know why I did that.

You know when you said to me a while back, that you were heading to a new city and you were going to check out different things there - socially wise - yes, nice and slowly, so you'd still be in your comfort zone, etc;  and then when that didn't happen, you came back and said, "ok, I'll treat my current place like that of a new place and do the same thing here".  And I thought Lilyn, bloody good on you, that's an absolutely awesome thing to be thinking.

At this current time, even though you've been trying to reach out to old acquaintances, I'm sensing that you haven't taken up the challenge yet of trying to just 'branch' out a bit further.  And I realise this is also a super massive step to take, but I guess that was what my last post was more kind of aiming towards.  I was trying to trigger some of your interests and even if we could find ONE, then we could possibly slowly move on that.  Move on that meaning, if there was some place locally that you could possibly seek out that runs such an activity, etc.

I'd really LOVE to hear your thoughts on that some more.

But also, GA's last bit of her most recent post ... and yes, I know you've had pretty much silent or text nothingness from the people who you've tried to contact of recent times - but could there be ONE person who you could contact?  One person who you could phone and basically tell them ... something like, hey I'm doing it real tough at the moment (really tough) and I would appreciate it so much if we could meet up for a coffee or a chat.  I say, put the onus back on them - you're in a place where you need company and I could be completely wrong here, but this is my thought on this side of things.

Lilyn, you are such a wonderful person and NO, I'm not just saying that because I've read your posts, as I've expressed earlier, and you care, you support, you offer advice - all to people who are pretty much complete strangers, but you do that. 

In my mind, there should be more people like you in the world - it would be a far better place.

Kind regards

Neil

[JessF]

Hello Lilyn I think Neil's advice about reaching out the one person is great but I wanted to come back to something I said earlier about how building up friendships takes time and when you're starting from scratch the knockbacks can feel heartbreaking because it means the world to you but the people you're trying to connect with have no idea.

I would suggest looking back over some of the experiences you have had recently and thinking about some different possibilities for why these people have not been in touch with you, rather than choosing 'it must be because I am a terrible person' as the only option. For example:

1. The work friend you contacted around Christmas time. Christmas time is crazy for so many people, and making time for catching up with friends or family that you dont see regularly is not a priority for some people. Her tone on the phone could have been because she was in the middle of something. I have often been told I sound curt on thephone and its just because I'm distracted. Her issue, not you.

2. People defriending on Facebook etc - I wish Facebook could be charged with a language crime for taking the word 'friend', it is such a casual medium and makes people think callously. They collect 'friends' like its a game, getting up to hundreds of people that in real life they would never intend having a proper friendship with, and then (I remember seeing this often when I used to use it) announcing 'oh I'm going to do a friend cull this weekend' and just defriend the people they don't speak to regularly. It feels personal but it isn't.

I think that if you put some energy into doing the things you enjoy, you will make friends as a result of those mutual interests, rather than setting out first to think 'I must make friends'. I think this is the same when people say 'I want a relationship'. If you think about it, it makes sense - from our perspective, do we want someone in our lives who just wants a friend? No, we want people in our lives that share our interests, that we can laugh and cry with, that we connect with. The friendship grows from the mutual interests and not the other way around.

[Lilyn]

Hi GA and Neil

I really appreciate you both taking the time to read and respond to me, I really do. And I understand how you can see things differently from the outside. But the pain I feel from the repeated rejection of others is just unbearable to me. I have been rejected pretty much my whole life. That is what makes me feel like there is something really really wrong with me that people sense and that is why they don't stick around. Or ignore me. Or blow me off. Or even worse, I do something that damages the relationship and they run for the hills.  

It hurts so much to receive messages like "I can't talk, I have to clean my house for my cleaner"- yep that is one message I received from someone when I reached out. And when I explained to that person how badly that made me feel, that also was met with silence. I try to reach out. I get ignored. I explain how it makes me feel. I get ignored. I feel pathetic and useless. Worth nothing.Then I shut down.

I have tried. Maybe I haven't tried in the right way. Maybe I am too much to bear. Maybe I can't communicate effectively. Maybe people just can't be bothered. But that all makes me feel like I am worthless. But I am also under no illusion that I have created all of this myself. I have isolated myself. I have pushed people away because I am in so much pain and don't know how to deal with it. So I have hidden as that has just been easier to do. And now that I have reached out, there is no one there. 

I just can't keep humiliating myself in that way. I can't reach out again. I am so embarrassed to think that these people have seen my messages/emails and just ignored them or thought "oh God not HER". The pain I feel in my soul about that, knowing that there are all of these people that just hate me, is unbearable. 

Neil, I really appreciate you suggesting activities I might like and following up on those. That was my initial plan when I decided not to move. But I have lost all motivation. This rejection I have experienced in the last couple of weeks has made me scared all over again. If I am really not the terrible person I think I am surely I would have at least one friend? One person that wouldn't care about me pushing away and still be there; one person that wouldn't have let me push them away and keep persisting with me? All I have is a trail of failed friendships behind me- people that saw through me to the horrible person I am and ran as fast as they could. I can't help feeling like this. I know I sound pathetic and full of self pity but it's just how I feel right now. 

[Lilyn]

Hi JessF

Thank you for your advice. I don't want to seem like I am refuting what everyone is saying and I know I am not in a good head space right now but the facebook thing was not with just random people defriending/blocking me. It was people that I was once friends with. Some that I hadn't seen or heard from in years. But they just saw my name and blocked me. It almost got to the point where I felt like they were actually seeking me out to block me as I had no connection with them in any way- hadn't even thought of them in years. I felt like the most hated person on facebook. Hence closing it down. 

I have expressed on here the difficulty I have in having and maintaining relationships. There is a pattern with me where initially I can connect with people. They seem to like me and want my company. I am invited out socially and the like. I guess I wear a mask of sorts, covering up my sadness and self hatred by being friendly, happy etc. But slowly over time this changes. I change. I am sensitive and can be hurt quite easily. So when I feel someone has hurt me I just shut down. I know my reactions can be irrational but I can't help the feelings- they are just too strong. And then I lose the friend. Or sometimes I think people just see through me and end up distancing themselves from me. Other times I think the mask just slips and the "real" me starts to come out. Someone who is sad, unhappy, down, in pain and I can't hide those feelings. So people run. I also tend to be a people pleaser so initially when I may be hurt by someone or someone lets me down I am like "oh that's ok; no problem at all; it's totally fine" etc but then they will do more and more, I guess thinking that it doesn't bother me but it does. I then feel taken advantage of or not really respected so I shut down. Most of the time I am too afraid to tell them how it really affects me as I am scared of losing them or scared of the confrontation. But I ending losing them anyway. See, there is a LOT wrong with me.....

This pattern makes me feel like I am just a terrible person because it keeps happening over and over. It is ABSOLUTELY me. I am the problem. And I can't seem to change it. I feel like this is just who I am and that is why I have nobody. That I can't be changed. That I am inherently bad. 

I feel like such a failure.