feel completely invisible to the world

[Lilyn]

Today is not a good day. I feel very alone....I am finding it hard to express just how I am feeling. I don't have anyone in my life and that is making dealing with  my illness even harder. Most people seem to have a partner/husband/friends/family around in some capacity. I do not. And it is all at my own doing. I responded to someone on here a few days ago who expressed similar feelings but they talked about having a supportive husband and children. I suggested that their feelings of being a terrible person, unworthy and incapable of love and care could not be true as they had their husband and children- it would not be possible for them to have that if they were the way they felt they are. That has stayed with me as clearly I am unable to have a relationship of any kind. So that must mean that I really am just a terrible person, not worth anything to anyone. No one wants to be around me.  I am completely alone. I sit in my home day after day with no interaction with anyone. No one calls to see how I am or ask me to spend time with them. I am just left to myself. I am completely isolated. I have nothing  to look forward to. Nothing brings me joy. I don't know what I like or am interested in. I feel so lost. I feel so unloved. I feel so uncared for. I feel like I don't exist. I feel so pathetic. I am drowning in self pity but not having anyone who believes in me or even likes me makes it seem almost impossible to get out of. I have made so many mistakes in my life and it feels like this is what I deserve.

I recently reached out to a couple of people from my past work. Neither of them has answered me. Being ignored like that just makes me believe even more how bad I am. I must be. It was and is very hard for me to reach out to anyone so that in itself was a huge thing for me. And being silently rejected by them has pushed me back to where I was. There is no one in my corner. I am all alone and feel completely invisible to the world. 

[Neil_1]

Hi Lilyn

You say there is a lot wrong with you.  I wish to refute that claim.  (And yes, I hear you think, "oh Neil, just leave it alone, I'm terrible and that's all there is to it ... you don't know me and you don't know how terribly I interact with people and that's why they shut me off".)   And believe me Lilyn, I can fully understand you saying that.

But please bare (is it bare or is it bear, I think it might be 'bear' isn't it?  If you tell me it's a different kind of bear/bare, then that'll really freak me out, cause I thought I had a reasonable grasp on the english language - as bizarre as it can be sometimes!) with me.  So yes, that last sentence was "So please bear with me".

Damnit, now I'm confused!! 🙂

You can initially contact and connect with people and yes, you can show friendliness and happiness in their company.  THAT IS YOU Lilyn.  That is who you are underneath.

Then the demons come out to play and they they pull your mask a little bit and guess what, people see this other side of you - the tortured side - and yes, without being sensitive towards another person MOST people will run.  Most people will want to distance themselves from such a person.  "Oh how horrible is this person;  you know, we thought they were a really cool person, but now they look at me freaky like or they cry when I say something", etc etc.  That's not you Lilyn, it's the illness.  And for the most part, the general public cannot deal with it, because they don't know it, they can't see it and therefore, they don't understand it.  I've lived with it for most of my life and hell, I still don't understand it !!  That's not meant to be funny, but if you got a little smile, then I'm pleased.

You know, I am hearing you with how you're feeling about the constant reaching out to these people and then the constant rejection you're receiving by these 'people'.  I use that term loosely, because as you've said to them, you're not feeling well and you would just like to talk and they come back with a pathetic excuse.  And being of the sensitive nature, well that just spirals you further down.

I'm going to propose a suggestion, you may wish to use it, you may wish to not;  and that's totally up to you.  It's similar to what I tried last time, but with a bit more 'oomph' in it.  Please take this with a grain of salt (not even sure if that term fits here, but here we go) and it's an email something along the lines of this, to say a couple of people who you thought were your 'closest friends'.

"Hi xxxx (and that's not four kisses to them or indeed the Qld variety of beer)

Over recent times I have tried to reach out to you so we could meet up and talk.  I believe that we had a good relationship not so long ago, but each time I have tried to make a connection or contact with you of late, for some reason this has been met with rejection.  While I appreciate that over the last month or so, things are a little different in the world, what with Christmas, New Year and January being potentially on holidays and the like, but I am really in need of hoping to meet up with you.

You see, I suffer from an illness and this illness is severe depression and currently I have next to no-one who I can go to for support.  I don't know if you know much about depression, but I know there is still a real stigma attached to it and as such I believe that due to my symptoms of this illness, this might have been a reason that you no longer wish to see me.  If that is true, then I'd really appreciate you being honest enough to let me know this.

If it's been for some other reason that you have not really answered my recent calls for help then I do apologise.  But xxxx I am really in desperate need to make contact with you again - if only for a coffee or a chat, just so I can have someone to talk to.  I promise I won't go into a dithering mess or jump up and down and smack myself on the head repeatedly or do anything to embarrass you.  I just would so like to hear from you ... to know that I have ONE friend in the world - one person who cares for me.  This illness is truly horrifying to live with and I am really just asking for your support.

Do you think you can?

Kind regards

Lilyn

ps:  I guess if I don't receive a response to this ... well, I don't really need to fill in the blanks do I ?

What do you think Lilyn?

By the way, you haven't got rid of me just yet either.  I've still got more up my sleeve, even though I'm only wearing a t-shirt - but we'll wait and see Neil;  we'll see what Lilyn thinks of this.

[Lilyn]

Hi Neil

You really are an amazing person and I thank you so much for continuing to reply and offer advice.

I could never send an email again to any of the people I have reached out to. I am already beyond humiliated and the thought of begging people who obviously don't want to be around me to spend time with me is even more humiliating than I can bear. I wish someone loved me enough to just see me and be there of their own accord. 

The fact is I am completely alone and this is what I deserve. No one knows what it is like to literally not have a single person to to talk to or just be around. I am completely isolated in the truest sense of the word. I am here alone, day after day.No interaction, no conversation, no other human presence. Just nothing.

My sister passed away 3 years ago and I have never recovered from that. She never rejected me. Ever. And I wish every day that it had of been me. It should have been me. She was loved and able to love others. She had lots of friends and a real life. But she was cruelly taken when it should have been me. I'm the one with nothing. No love, no friends, no family and unable to have any of that because of who I am. No one would miss me as there is no one there to miss me. I am not seeking pity, this is simply how I feel every single day. It is my truth and what I really believe. It should have been me and I wish every day that it was.  

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Neil_1]

Hi Lilyn

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister.  Believe me I know what it feels like to lose someone so close to you.  It hurts and it hurts everyday.

I know you're not seeking pity because you're simply speaking from the heart - just how it is.  And yes, it's your truth and no-one can really state anything different.

Which means you're going to be really hard to bring around (I say this with a small smile on my face) because you again sound like me, and no amount of counselling, and all that goes along with that has ever been able to change my thoughts.  I won't talk anymore about that, because I don't want to take you to a place that might upset you.  3 years is nothing ... the emotions are still raw.

I'm sorry, I'm forgetting things - see what happens when you don't drink beer!  I'm sure you were leaving for another city for a job, yeah?  But you ended up staying because of your cute ball of fur, yes?  Gosh I'm hoping that this is you ... otherwise imagine how embarrassed I'm gonna be.  So if and you did, stayed where you are, do you not have a job currently to go too?

Lilyn, I'm sorry about that last para, because my memory isn't as good as it was.

Also, can you please please tell me ... when you 'were' going to go to another location ... you said you were going to start afresh and you were going to venture out and do something, social or sporty or join something/a club perhaps?  Please can you tell me which/what you were going to do?

Thanx and kind regards,

Neil

[Lilyn]

Hi Neil

Yes, that was me. No I don't have a job right now after deciding not to move. Nowhere to go, nowhere to be, no purpose at all. That is not helping my state of mind thats for sure. 

I was going to look at new things to do but have now lost any motivation or desire to do that here. 

I'm sorry, I'm just not in a good place right now.

[Neil_1]

Hi Lilyn

I really feel for you ... but as you're in a bad place at the moment, I won't speak more about this issue.

I remember, I think, that you said when you were going to go to your new location that you'd look up a new GP in that area?  Possibly selecting one via this website.  Was that true?   Was that cause something wasn't so good with your previous GP for where you are at the moment?

If all that was true, is it not possible to try and select yourself a new GP from this location (website)?  Lilyn, I really feel that you're battling this all on your own and it's so incredibly difficult to do that.  Is this something that you 'might' be able to do at some stage in the future?  Not now, please think about it, but don't act on it now.

How's your little fur ball going?  Oh and it's name please??

Kind regards

Neil

[Neil_1]

Hi Lilyn

You're doing what your subject heading suggests ... so please take off that cloak of invisibility and come back.

Neil