Fed up, angry & unsupported

[dubrovnik]

Hello

i have written previously to this forum & had a lot of supportive and caring messages from people who really seemed to understand my situation.

Thank you all for responding.

My mother is suffering from vascular dementia, a nurse comes to care for her3 days a week, I work part time now & care for my mother on my days off.

I took my mother to her doctor for her regular checkup mum has had problems standing up & getting up, she uses a walker & walking stick. I spoke to her doctor and told him that’s what has been happening, he referred her to get some tests done at a local clinic, ji  have also organised a physiotherapist to come to my parents home twice a week to help them with their mobility.

i told my sister  that I took mum to visit her doctor, she had the audacity to call the doctor & ask him did I tell him about her problems with standing, mums doctor spoke to her and told her that that I told him everything.

I asked her why she did that, she said that she didn’t believe that I told him

about mums current situation. 
she doubted me which made me very upset and angry, we got into an argument which left me really distraught.

I am a very articulate & courteous woman who is very good at communicating but this makes  me doubt myself 

I am feeling very down & don’t know what to do.

[white knight]

Hi welcome back

It's so unfortunate that siblings and at times other family members even friends can be Intrusive in delecate times. But I think her action of doubting you and ringing your mothers doctor likely originated from some history between you both. If that isn't the case, maybe her worrying about her mother has overflowed. Either way her action reflects the extent of her concern, sadly it also reflects lack of faith in you.

I think the proper response from you would be to feel disappointment but withhold anger because that won't help your mother atm.

With family we must try to connect during hard times and that can only be done with communication. Set up a meet at a Cafe and suggest that at this time you'd like to be united and there is no reason for her to mistrust you. Effectively that is all you can do. If it doesn't work... she's had all the opportunities you can give  her.

"When you give your best and your best is not taken, then let it go... honour your endeavour"

TonyWK 

[tranzcrybe]

Hi again Dubrovnik,

I don't need to remind you how demanding caring for an elderly parent is, but when your bucket is full to the brim there is little room for any additional drama.

Your sister isn't helping (more likely interfering), and getting a rise out of you is her way of 'leveling the field'.

I faced the same issues while caring for an elderly parent: receiving feigned concern while dredging for anything to make a fuss about. I would listen and reply politely, but never engage.

Like you, I felt a little annoyed so I would write it all down into my journal (with timestamp) as a little bank of knowledge I could refer to later if needed.

Over 5 years it became quite a volume - maybe I should publish it!

But my point is that once down on paper, it was out of my head and I could tend to more worthwhile pursuits in caring for those more deserving.

For me, it kept things grounded and objective, leaving me feeling much more composed for the next inquisition. You may be 'stockpiling' these emotions leaving you with a shortened fuse which isn't good for you or mother.

[dubrovnik]

Hello 

thank you for your message & support.

Yes it’s very hard but I am happy to take care of my mum as I was always so close to my my mother and she has always been supportive towards me.

I am generally calm but when it comes to my sister I become very agitated and anxious, there are times that we get on very well but when she starts taking out her anger on me then I get really frustrated, I have tried to remain calm and polite but when she said some nasty things to me  & called me hopeless I got really angry, I walked out, this was at family lunch.

i broke down in tears,  i am

at a big loss.

thank you for reading and your kindness.

[therising]

Hi dubrovnik

It sounds like you are doing an absolutely amazing job of looking after your mum during one of the most challenging times of her life, while also managing your own life which includes going out to work. The last thing you need is someone who's going to add challenges to all that.

I think there's enough emotional challenge involved when seeing a parent through dementia. My dad has progressive dementia yet is largely cared for in an aged care facility, as my brother, sister and I can't give him the standard of care he needs and deserves. Dementia definitely tests a child, to love their parent in new and supportive ways. I've found it also tests the relationship between siblings. While it's my brother and I who do most of the advocating and decision making for our dad, there are times where I've just about lost my mind with my brother and the way he behaves. It's tough, hey, when your sibling can be the nicest person in the world, who'd do anything for anyone, yet can turn on a dime (regarding nature) whenever they feel like it. There's only so many times you can bite your tongue or grit your teeth in silence before some upstanding intolerant part of you surges to life. I've found the challenge with that is to not apologise for it (depending on the circumstances). That reaction we experience can be a clear boundary setter. It says to our sibling, in one way or another, 'This is what happens when you push me over the brink of tolerance. I can/will only tolerate so much from you'.

I think that intolerant part of us can be our best friend at times. It has it's own quiet dialogue that no one other than our self can hear. At times it can sound like 'Why are you tolerating this person? Why are you putting up with their behaviour? You need to stand up for yourself! Stop taking this from them'. Sometimes it may lead us to speak firmly, sometimes it may lead us to yell our point across and sometimes it can simply lead us to cry out how we feel. I've found the test is to master bringing it to life at will and carefully. Such mastery is hard to achieve if we've spent a good part of our life channeling the people pleaser in us. 'Don't upset anyone' is the mantra of the people pleaser in us. I think, with the intolerant part of us, it can start off quietly with gentle nudges or suggestions like 'You need to put an end to this conversation before it escalates' or 'You know where this conversation is heading. You need to shut it down'. It makes the kind of suggestions a good and supportive friend would make. Like with any good friend though, it can threaten to go to town on someone if their behaviour escalates to heartbreaking or soul destroying levels which can deeply impact us. From zero to 1000 it can escalate in seconds when someone crosses a boundary into a definite no go zone. Heartbreaking and soul destroying should be definite no go zones when it comes to other people's depressing behaviour. I think that intolerant part of us can be a bit sassy at times too. It may suggest we ask 'Do you know why you can't help but be so arrogant or why you can't help being so depressing at times?' perhaps with an added 'I know you're being this way because I can feel it'.