Feeling lost

[Scoota]

• Hi first time posting in this forum. 

I have suffered from major depression for over 20 years. At times feel like I'm a complete waste of being alive. I am on my 3rd marriage. Was abused by my first husband and second husband cheated on me. I feel the need to have to have a man in my life so I married for the 3rd time. While I have had lots of down days and spent a whole year not leaving my bedroom I have considered suicide. I have managed to battle with my depression as I'm almost 60 I'm rethinking life. I don't want to work anymore I actually hate working as I have worked since I was 16 years old. Feel my mental health would benefit from daily work life stresses. I'm wanting to enjoy the rest of my life by not having the pressure of work. Just wondering if anyone else feels the same? I'm exhausted everyday and battle just to get ready for work. 

[Beaser]

Hi wishing you a Happy Day.

I am in a similar situation worked since i was 16  but not working at the moment but looking to get back to it.   I shudder at the thought of interviews and starting again .    Im currently doing some volunteer work at a Hospital which i love and have applied for a part time position there.     My psychologist wants me to try and do even a day a week to start out so im trying this approach  . Im not sure if you could be in a similar situation.  Happy to talk more if it is of any help.       Best wishes    Brett

[Scoota]

Thank you for reaching out Brett. This maybe a way forward for me I'm just at the stage of burn out with my life. I feel I don't have the strength to even try working at all.  Wish you luck and hope you can continue on your journey kindest Regards Sharon 

[therising]

Hi Sharon

I wish there was something I could say to make the way forward for you much easier. It can be so incredibly tough when we lose our ability to see the best way forward for our self. I'm wondering whether you're still with your 3rd husband and whether he's able to support you in the way forward, perhaps by lightening the work load significantly for a start.

As a 53yo gal who's worked hard to manage the ins and outs of depression since my late teens, I have to say managing depression at times can be far far far from easy. In fact, it can be downright mind altering and soul destroying on occasion, as I'm sure you know. Took me decades to finally work out that, at times, I can't do it without guides (people who can lead the way and shed light on the darkest parts of life's path). I've found also that sometimes it takes a really solid circle or collection of guides or 'go to' people.

While being a deeply feeling person can have a down side, it can also have an up side. While I used to think 'What's wrong with me? Why can't/won't that person in my life make things easier or help me? Am I too 'broken'?', I eventually realised 'The people who I can't feel making any difference are typically not my go to people. In other words, just as we can feel a difference, we also have the ability to feel no difference at all. We can feel either way. Hope that makes sense. Towards the end of 2022, when I was reaching complete burnout, I felt my mum's words when she said to me 'You can't keep going this way, it's destroying you. Consider taking a year off work'. I really felt her words deeply. They felt like a relief and they felt like the undeniable truth. I'd been managing a lot through 2022, including a part time job on top of it all. I said to my husband 'We can afford for me to take a year off work and manage on one income and our savings and this is something I have to do, as I just can't manage anymore'. While fearful of the financial impact, he agreed to the plan. The guide in this case was my mum. My husband was the support. He would have never guided me in this direction, not in a million years. While my husband can be a supportive person, I've never felt him as being one of my guides. As I say, it's important to feel who are the best guides. Should add, my inner critic was far from my best guide, with stuff like 'You can't take that much time off work. What's that going to do to your family?! You're being selfish. You need to toughen up and stop being such a baby...' blah blah blah blah blah. My inner critic was an absolute depressing pain in the butt.

Perhaps the question comes down to 'Who would be my best guides in this case?'. A GP, a psychologist or counselor, someone helpful at Centrelink (as opposed to an unhelpful person at Centrelink), people who can relate to how you feel, a particular friend or family member, someone who's managed a similar situation to yours and managed to find the best way forward and/or someone else? Sometimes it can also be about the best questions, as opposed to the worst ones to be asking. The worst may involve 'Why am I so broken? What's wrong with me?' etc. The best may involve 'What do I need to be seeing, in the way of a vision or goal, that I just can't see at the moment? Do I need a 'seer', someone who can see for me and then show me the way?' etc. I'd have to say that one of the most significant keys or revelations in the way of managing my mental health has been 'It is easier to travel with guides who hold the potential to shed light than it is to travel in the darkness alone'.❤️

[Scoota]

Thank you for your comforting words. 

Yes I am still married to my 3rd husband. He has trouble understanding me and my psychologist tells me my husband does not know what to say to me. Does not understand how hard it is for me to just get out of bed each day. When i have talked about cutting back work he just does not want to hear it. As he has always been a hard worker and his Mum still works full time at age of 86! So the example of working is already set in his mind. 

After reading your reply I now realise I don't have the person in my life to guide me and to advise me on my future. Day by day I feel lonely and think it is not worth living anymore and feeling depressed all the time. I just want my mind to be free not worry about silly things that I have no control over. 

Is it wrong of me to question myself as to what I should do ? Just feel so lost 😞 

[therising]

Hi Sharon

I believe we're each on a life long quest and we can generally tell where we're at based on the number and type of questions we face. I find there are often a heck of a lot of questions involved more so when I'm on darker parts of my path through life. Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with asking a heck of a lot of questions as long as the questions are constructive and healthy. It's taken me many years to work out that constructive and healthy questions can lead to helpful answers or steps forward. May all sound logical but the thing I can struggle with the most at times is knowing which questions to actually ask.

I've found 'What's wrong with me?' is always the wrong question. Not only can it be a depressing question but it's also far too general a question. More specific questions can be 'Why do I have next to no energy? What's stopping me from opening my mind more? Why can't I feel a connection with people around me at the moment?' etc. While I tend to meditate on questions and then see what comes to mind, it kinda becomes a rabbit hole experience at times. This has developed the wonderer and researcher in me over the years. Take 'Why do I have next to no energy?'. While experts may simply say 'This is a side effect of depression', in no way does that answer help me. Not at all. Going down that rabbit hole: What is energy? What forms does it take in a person? Why is it lacking mentally, physically and even soulfully in ways I can actually feel? How is it influenced? The list goes on and on. I can understand why people develop a love of quantum biology, for example. While most of it's over my head, it is basically fascinating (how the human body works energetically). So much more informative than 'A lack of energy is a side effect of depression'.

With partners, I think it's a matter of they can't relate to what they can't relate to. As you say, your husband can't relate to not being able to work. He possibly can't relate to what it means to feel one's self in a deep depression. When I think about my own husband, while he can relate to what it means to be a basically feeling or emotional person, I've discovered over the years that he can't relate to being a deeply or intensely feeling or emotional person. I think when our spouse can't feel as deeply as we can or as intensely, it can pose a number of issues.