Fearful I will never get better again

[Fearful]

Hi there

I'm new.  I posted 2 posts here last week but they were removed by BB - my word count was too long.  So I'm starting again   Thanks to the two people who replied to me I appreciate your support but can't remember your names sorry.  One of you said I haven't gained control of my thoughts and I'm wondering if you can clarify how I can do that please? as its a skill I definitely need to learn.

 I'm a 58 yr old female & very frustrated that at my age I still haven't got my crap together!!!!  I've suffered from anxiety & depression all my life but only 15 yrs ago diagnosed & treated with meds and psychology.  18 months ago after a prolonged period of stress and mental struggles, I slipped into severe chronic depression and anxiety and had to give up work.  I had no motivation for anything, didn't want to get out of bed and felt anxious about everything. I couldn't see any point in life. Nothing (even my lovely friends and pets) seemed worth living for. I had no appetite and diarrhoea. It's a very scary way to feel as I'm sure you're all aware. I've felt that way before but it's never lasted more than a few weeks. I find it so scary that it has lasted so long and hence my fear that I'll never get better this time.

I live on my own & have no family but have several good friends. With the support of 2 wonderful friends I survived the last 18 months, and 3 months ago took up part time work which is going ok tho most days I'm forcing myself to go so I'm not actually enjoying it yet.  But I know it's good for me to have the income & social interaction.  

Although I've improved and I now have good days where I feel like my old self (that's such a wonderful feeling!!).  I can't seem to hold onto it no matter how I try and, after a few days I slip back into the deep black hole again.  I'm trying really hard to be well - forcie myself to push through feelings to socialise & achieve things, to eat  & exercise.  Do other self help stuff such as take Tumeric, omega 3's, drink water, monitor thoughts.  I hate my life. It's really getting me down and I'm afraid im never going to get better no matter how hard I try.  My psychiatrist says coming out of it is an up and down process not a smooth path so that helps explain it a bit.  I just hate that gloomy/anxious feeling that is always in the background waiting to smother me. I feel It's my fault  I must be doing something wrong.

Have you been through similar and recovered?  PLEASE tell me how you did it.

[bluesea]

i`m a female 53yrs, and had depression in milder forms for 30yrs, but this is the worst.

[White_Rose]

Dear Bluesea

My apologies that I have not replied earlier. Had a couple of physical ailments to manage but back on track.

Have you met with your psychiatrist yet? The appointment must be about now. If you would like to share I am interested in the outcome. As we get older I think our capacity to cope with things like depression can decline.  I know we are supposed to become more serene in middle age and older (I'm 71), but our physical abilities do not always keep up with the mind. At least that's my excuse.

In fact I had no depression until my late 50s. I separated from my husband and after a year found life difficult. I would not have gone back at that stage and I am pleased I managed, eventually. It showed me I had more strength than I imagined. Depression took its toll but boy, did I grow. Not that I'm advocating depression as a way of personal growth, but use whatever your situation.

So Blue, do you have any interests in your life?  Do you have paid work or work in a volunteer capacity? It's important to maintain your external contacts because as humans we need each other. There may be some people who find a hermit's life OK, but the rest of the human race needs company. Just getting outside, even to watch the grass grow, has huge physical and psychological benefits. And if you add in walking or some other form of exercise the benefits mount up quickly.

My doctor tells me one 20 minute walk a day is sufficient. Of course this could just be the thin end of the wedge, but I do try.

Do you have family nearby? Your post is on the next page to your original post and if I go back I think I will lose what I have written. So I'm trying to remember what you have written. There's the age thing again. Having a support network is important even if you do not talk about depression. Just having people around you, people who care, people whose company you enjoy is an enormous plus.

I started to learn to paint when I retired, but my teacher moved away (so hard to get good help these days) and I became involved in volunteer work and gradually stopped drawing. I am going to take it up again in a couple of weeks. I'm actually a bit cross I stopped and I think this is the danger when we do not have hobbies or activities that satisfy us on a personal level. I also tried to learn to play the piano but not very well.

My other interests are embroidery, reading, meditation and talking. Whoops, used up my allowance. Hope you can in soon.

Mary