Fearful I will never get better again

[Fearful]

Hi there

I'm new.  I posted 2 posts here last week but they were removed by BB - my word count was too long.  So I'm starting again   Thanks to the two people who replied to me I appreciate your support but can't remember your names sorry.  One of you said I haven't gained control of my thoughts and I'm wondering if you can clarify how I can do that please? as its a skill I definitely need to learn.

 I'm a 58 yr old female & very frustrated that at my age I still haven't got my crap together!!!!  I've suffered from anxiety & depression all my life but only 15 yrs ago diagnosed & treated with meds and psychology.  18 months ago after a prolonged period of stress and mental struggles, I slipped into severe chronic depression and anxiety and had to give up work.  I had no motivation for anything, didn't want to get out of bed and felt anxious about everything. I couldn't see any point in life. Nothing (even my lovely friends and pets) seemed worth living for. I had no appetite and diarrhoea. It's a very scary way to feel as I'm sure you're all aware. I've felt that way before but it's never lasted more than a few weeks. I find it so scary that it has lasted so long and hence my fear that I'll never get better this time.

I live on my own & have no family but have several good friends. With the support of 2 wonderful friends I survived the last 18 months, and 3 months ago took up part time work which is going ok tho most days I'm forcing myself to go so I'm not actually enjoying it yet.  But I know it's good for me to have the income & social interaction.  

Although I've improved and I now have good days where I feel like my old self (that's such a wonderful feeling!!).  I can't seem to hold onto it no matter how I try and, after a few days I slip back into the deep black hole again.  I'm trying really hard to be well - forcie myself to push through feelings to socialise & achieve things, to eat  & exercise.  Do other self help stuff such as take Tumeric, omega 3's, drink water, monitor thoughts.  I hate my life. It's really getting me down and I'm afraid im never going to get better no matter how hard I try.  My psychiatrist says coming out of it is an up and down process not a smooth path so that helps explain it a bit.  I just hate that gloomy/anxious feeling that is always in the background waiting to smother me. I feel It's my fault  I must be doing something wrong.

Have you been through similar and recovered?  PLEASE tell me how you did it.

[White_Rose]

Hello Chris

A much better name than Fearful however apt it sounds. Yes I agree about the good cry, very therapeutic.   I recently watched a film on TV which was sad and I ended up in tears, as you do.  Afterwards I thought about the tears and sadness and realised that although I felt sad it was only temporary and in many ways I felt quite good about crying. I had a chat with GP about and she said it was a normal reaction to a sad film, which is true, and my tears were OK.

The strange thing is that the sadness felt different.  Not explaining it well I feel. Somehow watching a story about someone else. even if fictional, released something different in me. In a strange way the outcome felt the same as laughing at something. My whole body and energy was involved and the emotional part of me got a good workout without exhausting me. It felt as though my emotions had been given a good shake up and restored to some sort of equilibrium. Very different to crying in what I call self pity.

I love the analogy of exercising the wrong muscles.  Very true!  No wonder we run to them in times of trouble. But of course the good muscles need exercise as you say. So yes, changing your gym sounds a great idea. I do go to a gym and find exercise very hard work. Over time I know I have become stronger, better lung function etc, but boy it's hard work.  I have lots of encouragement from the physio and the exercise physiologist. Both believe in pushing me but not so much that I give up.

I suppose this is what the psychs do. Don't you just hate it when they are right? You can use your pristine highway to take you to good places. You just need to thumb a lift now and then.

I love mental pictures of where I am. It gives me something to hang on to. I once drew a picture of me (stick man) standing outside a cave looking at the the hill I had to climb,  which was covered in huge boulders I would have to get over. I commented to my daughter that I could only stand outside the cave at this stage and even then I kept going in again. That's OK she said, you just ducked in to get your toothbrush. Sometimes my daughter says the most amazing things.

I try to stop at the entrance to the default path and visualise myself trampling a new path. Because I have to do this I get quite annoyed and stamp around making a great noise and fuss. I am cranky because I have to do this work and I want the easy option, but even I realise it has no value.

Talk again soon.

Mary

[Fearful]

Hi again Mary,

your cry after the movie sounds very therapeutic.  Most of the time I can't cry- think all my meds cause that.  Now and then I long for it tho - to release emotional tension & frustration that builds up.  it's like feeling really nauseous & not being able to vomit.

I like mental pictures too.  Your daughter is a sweetheart.

I've started going regularly to the gym too.  Like you I find it hard work but I'm persevering as it's supposed to help. 

If only there was a manic pill eh.  But there's not unfortunately.  I know it's up to me to get myself better. No one else can do it for me.  I just hope I'm strong enough to do it.  Sharing with you is giving me hope.

one thing I really struggle with is wanting to avoid situations and places where I've previously felt anxious and depressed because I then associate that place/situation with the scary feelings and become very fearful that going back there will trigger it again.    Since I've felt bad in almost all places and situations at some stage, that means I often want to avoid everything and just stay home in bed safe.  And some days that's exactly what I do I'm embarrassed to say.  The rest of the time I force myself out each day as I know if I don't do that, fear and avoidance will completely take over my life.

itis really hard work though isn't it.  some days it overwhelms me and I resort to sedatives.  Then I worry I'll become hooked on them.  So much worry and fear and despair to work through all the time.  I'm Really tired of it.  

Sorry to be so depressing but I'm not in a good space - have had a few bad weeks topped off with two really bad days and trying to dig myself out.  Trying to remember the good days but they are elusive.

Think I need to get pen and paper out and do some CBT work don't I.   Think I also need a hug and some reassurance I'm doing ok.  I Hate to burden my friends with all this but I've asked a friend to visit this afternoon to talk Hopefully that will Help.

i also need to talk to my psychol about helping me work on CBT. She hasn't encouraged it due to my self bashing tendency.  Instead she's been trying to get me to just accep I'm genetically hard wired this way and try to work with it rather than fight it.  I think I do need to accept it to some degree, but after talking to you I can see I also need help to learn how to deal with it through CBT.  

Thanks for talking with me.Mary. I'll have a good day soon and share some positive thoughts with you.

Chris

[Fearful]

Hi Mary

That should read "magic" pill not "manic" pill.  I definitely don't need manic pills!!!  🙂

Chris

[Fearful]

Hi Neil

just read your post again

good point about finding something I enjoy. Problem is when I'm down I can't see the point in anything.

However on reflectio.... when I've been down before I've enjoyed watching a movie with one of my cuddly cats curled up in my lap.  The cuddle is good for my soul and the movie helps distract my thoughts and mood for a while.  

I also usually feel a bit better in the evenings no matter how bad the day has been (not sure why but I suspect it's because the days struggle is over and I'm soon going to my nice bed to sleep and relax for a few hours).

anyway.... That's 2 things I enjoy and can look forward to when I'm in the middle of a bad day, so thanks for prompting me to think about that.  It's been a very helpful exercise.

 cheers

Chris

[Fearful]

Hi Mary

quick note to let you know I'm feeling a lot better.  

Wrote a lot down today which I often find therapeutic - gets the feelings out of my head and onto paper where I can deal with them more logically and rationally.   I wrote about what's worring me, how I'm feeling and wrote a plan of action for moving forward which includes starting CBT with my psychologist (thanks to you).  The plan also includes all the things I can do for myself each day to keep myself physically and mentally as well as possible.. It also has lots of underlined notes like - don't expect perfection!- average success is good enough! - NO SELF BASHING if I slip up on anything!

I drew a couple of pictures too (also inspired by you).  One showing a broken person separate from the world which encapsulates how I feel a lot of the time.  The other shows how I view a typical day - it has a little stick figure starting to walk up a huge mountain which has lots of peaks and troughs at the top but a nice easy downward path at the end of the day.  They're useful images for me and also for others like my therapist and friends who want to understand things from my point of view.

And I had a really nice visit from a dear friend who listened to my concerns, gave me positive and constructive feedback on my plan and two lovely warm bear hugs!

so I'm feeling much more positive and hopeful.  Thanks so much for your inspiration!

hugs

Chris

[White_Rose]

Dear Chris

What beautiful replies from you. I am indeed honoured. So pleased you are having a better time. Writing and pictures mean a lot to me but I also collect poetry and quotes that I find inspirational.  I have them stuck up in my kitchen to remind me that others know where I am and have been there.

The John Denver song of course. I'm a big fan of his. Quote, I can't stop the waves but I can learn how to surf.  Saw that on BB somewhere.

Another quote is under a picture of a young child (legs only) walking along a log. The caption says No magic potions..No fairy dust. No one to push you...no one to do it for you. Just one determined foot in front of the another.  I like it because I often feel like a child wanting security and help. Ironic really as children are usually the most determined of people to learn to do things on their own. But it does remind me who is in the driver's seat.

I went to a mental health seminar a while ago. One of the speakers told us about her experience of depression.  She also showed on the big screen some amazing pictures she had painted. I was pretty fragile at that time and probably should not have attended as I got quite upset and teary. So the artist and her husband took me off for a chat which I appreciated.

They gave me a copy of the picture on a card and almost made me cry again.  The woman in the picture is very sad and is holding a mask on a stick in front of her.  Well, we all know the story of masks and how we put them on at the drop of a hat.

Behind the mask the woman is sad and you can see inside of her head where she has various objects. Two audio tapes for the constant chatter we hear, a clock, a figure holding a hammer,  hourglass, something blocking the ear, figures with a syringe. There is a hole in the top of the head and a hand is pulling out bits of rubbish to put in the bin next to the woman.  The artist told me it was the hand of God pulling out the rubbish.

Such a powerful picture and so instantly recognised by all those with depression. I have framed it so that I can keep it on display. It reminds me that I am not the only one with problems.

Had a bit of a meltdown today.  It made me so angry with myself that I could fall over again when it seemed I was doing well. Despite my best efforts I want to give up and admit to the world how useless I am. So I will try distraction therapy and hope that in the morning I feel better.

Mary

[Fearful]

Dear Mary

thanks for sharing all your inspirational things with me.  They are our little life rafts all these tools we use aren't they.. Ready to use when the storms come.  

Im so sorry to hear you're not feeling good Mary.  I'm also dismayed to hear you call yourself useless, because you're definitely not.  You're doing an amazing job of keeping yourself well.  

At the same time I see so much of myself in you.  We're very alike.  I relate to how you feel completely as I call myself the exact same word frequently when I slip up.  Like you, I feel totally disappointed, despairing, frustrated and angry when i fall back down again and I blame myself. I compare myself to others & beat myself up for not being like them. It's a bad approach to talk to our selves this way and we need to try to learn to be kinder to ourselves. I Maybe w can find another place to direct our anger.  I don't know...

all I know is

I feel really sad hearing you say that about yourself because I know the despair you're feeling and.... I don't think you're useless at all.  I can hear you have gathered lots of great tools set up to help yourself.  Have a look in your tool box and get a few of them out to try.  I'm sure you'll manage to work your way out of this fairly soon.  You've done it before, you can do it again.

im not feeling crash hot today either.  Feeling quite down & anxious but not as bad as the last few days so that's something.  I felt really optimistic last night (often do in the evening) and went to bed saying please please please hold onto this and feel like this again tomorrow.  But morning came and fear, uncertainty and a sense of down ness and emptyness returned.  I'm really disappointed as I thought I'd turned a corner and was due for a good day or two. I HATE being like this.  Im sick of struggling!  Why can't I be normal!!!!

Ok....  Thinking that won't help.   I'll try to accept it & go with the flow.  I'll spend a bit of time writing down my feelings (sometimes helps) and re-read the plan I wrote yesterday, then try to get on and do a few jobs and hopefully the day will improve.  I have 2 friends coming for dinner so need to prepare for that and either cheer myself up or put on my mask. 

Go well Mary and let me know how you're travelling.  I'm sure you will find the right tools and be feeling better in no time.

Hugs

Chris

[White_Rose]

Thank you for your words of comfort, Chris. Yesterday was pretty awful but I have survived after, for me, a good night's sleep. Got up and had breakfast and went back to bed. Only woke again when the phone rang. It was a friend wanting to know how I was going.

There was a time when I believed I did not deserve friends friends or any sort of kindness. Learning that's not true these days. Amazing how our brains trick us into such rubbish.

Why can't I be normal is something I have often asked. But I think we are normal. We are just on a different part of the normal spectrum. So I've solved both our problems. (hmmmm)

Loved your self descriptions. I say exactly the same, in the same words. We should live next door to each other and we can have a duet of self loathing. Or not.  Oh dear, I do try and see the funny side of life but it doesn't always work.

I do understand the morning blues. For a while I would wake up to a pounding heart and sense of dread at what MIGHT happen during the day. Usually felt better by evening. So maybe part of it is our slow metabolism in the morning. I eat breakfast pretty much as soon as I get up, although I don't always get dressed straight away. I know many people go for a walk first thing which stirs up the system. As far as I am concerned, WALK is one of those four letter forbidden words.  Obviously I was never a dog in a previous life.

Love how you can say, stop thinking like that. I know it's not as easy as it sounds. My husband, now ex, used to to tell me I could lose weight by not eating so much. Brilliant insight. Obviously the male brain talking. No conception of the difficulties involved. Oh dear, that does sound very unkind.

As my daughter used to tell me, baby steps mom, baby steps. I think she should have been a psychologist..

I will repeat your advice to me. Go well. Remind yourself you are lovely just as you are.

Mary

[Fearful]

Dear Mary

how are you going?  Bit better I hope...

sorry I'm slow replying.  Had to work today.

You had some interesting comments and insights into the points I raised thanks. And you definitely deserve friends Mary - you're lovely!

I've had a great day today for which I'm very grateful.  Went to bed expecting to wake up feeling anxious about work but..... I Woke up with no feelings of anxiety or depression at all and that's continued throughout the day which has been absolutely WONDERFULL.  Woo hoo - a good day at last.  It feels so nice to be optimistic, positive and relaxed.  Let's hope i have more days like this.

let me know how you are Mary

bye for now

Chris.

[Fearful]

Hi Mary

how are you travelling?

i re-read your last post and it's interesting you often feel worse in the morning and better in the evening too.  As you say it might be a metabolism thing.. yes I think it's good to start the day with breakfast.   I didn't use to eat breakfast as I have trouble eating when I'm emotionally upset, but lately I've started making myself have something - just a small bowl of natural yoghurt and fruit with some raw oats sprinkled on top.  Not a big serving but it's healthy and better than nothing, and it's super easy to prepare.

i had an ok day today.  Not as good as yesterday, but not a bad day either.  The black dog was following me around but I kept myself busy and managed to keep it from biting my ankles too much.

cherio for now 

xx Chris