Fearful I will never get better again

[Fearful]

Hi there

I'm new.  I posted 2 posts here last week but they were removed by BB - my word count was too long.  So I'm starting again   Thanks to the two people who replied to me I appreciate your support but can't remember your names sorry.  One of you said I haven't gained control of my thoughts and I'm wondering if you can clarify how I can do that please? as its a skill I definitely need to learn.

 I'm a 58 yr old female & very frustrated that at my age I still haven't got my crap together!!!!  I've suffered from anxiety & depression all my life but only 15 yrs ago diagnosed & treated with meds and psychology.  18 months ago after a prolonged period of stress and mental struggles, I slipped into severe chronic depression and anxiety and had to give up work.  I had no motivation for anything, didn't want to get out of bed and felt anxious about everything. I couldn't see any point in life. Nothing (even my lovely friends and pets) seemed worth living for. I had no appetite and diarrhoea. It's a very scary way to feel as I'm sure you're all aware. I've felt that way before but it's never lasted more than a few weeks. I find it so scary that it has lasted so long and hence my fear that I'll never get better this time.

I live on my own & have no family but have several good friends. With the support of 2 wonderful friends I survived the last 18 months, and 3 months ago took up part time work which is going ok tho most days I'm forcing myself to go so I'm not actually enjoying it yet.  But I know it's good for me to have the income & social interaction.  

Although I've improved and I now have good days where I feel like my old self (that's such a wonderful feeling!!).  I can't seem to hold onto it no matter how I try and, after a few days I slip back into the deep black hole again.  I'm trying really hard to be well - forcie myself to push through feelings to socialise & achieve things, to eat  & exercise.  Do other self help stuff such as take Tumeric, omega 3's, drink water, monitor thoughts.  I hate my life. It's really getting me down and I'm afraid im never going to get better no matter how hard I try.  My psychiatrist says coming out of it is an up and down process not a smooth path so that helps explain it a bit.  I just hate that gloomy/anxious feeling that is always in the background waiting to smother me. I feel It's my fault  I must be doing something wrong.

Have you been through similar and recovered?  PLEASE tell me how you did it.

[White_Rose]

Hello Chris

So pleased you had a good day. The sun shines, the birds sing and all is well. Such a liberating feeling. I don't mind the black dog following me so long as it knows its place is behind me and must not bite. I wonder if it is as unhappy with itself as we are with it. I've been told you should befriend the horrid things in life, such as the black dog, and that way it loses it's power. Not sure whether I am game or not.

The past few days have been quite uncomfortable. I want to scream and shout, rip and tear because I am so frustrated and angry. Instead I sit down and cry. Well at least I'm not destroying the house or anyone else.

Feeling better this morning, the mind is more settled. I've been de-cluttering the house for some time now and yesterday I realised it looked nice and fresh. I wonder how much our surroundings contribute to getting upset. Bad Feng Shui. I like to think my home is clean and tidy but also warm and welcoming. So having everything rigidly in place does not make for a relaxing place. It's a fine line.

I've been going back to bed after breakfast a lot just lately. I'm off there when I finish this post. Feel very tired but I wonder if it's a habit I've got into.

Great to hear from you. Talk again soon.

Mary

[Fearful]

Hi Mary

im sorry to hear you've been struggling but it's good to hear you're feeling a bit better this morning.  I can relate to the anger and tears.  I find if I can't find an outlet for the anger it turns into sadnes and tears.  It's such a frustrating and scary way to live isn't it.  Never knowing what each day will bring.

I think your tiredness relates to all the emotional upheaval you're dealing with.  It's also very tyring forcing yourself to do things when you have no energy or enthusiasm for anything.   I find it all quite exhausting too.

Unfortunately I'm feeling very depressed again today and have a very bad headache.  Im so disappointed to have woken up feeling this way again after having had a couple of good days.  I feel so defeated.  I spent the morning in bed then got up and had a 1hour walk with a friend.  Didn't help my mood but at least I had some exercise.  Back home now and Ifeel so down I just want to head back to bed again.  Have to get some cat food tho so will force myself to go out and do that now, and and might try and push myself to get a few other little jobs done when I return and see if it helps.  If not ..... I'll give in and go to bed.  I'm feeling very tired and I just want to hide from the world again.  This is such a depressing way to live, up one day and down the next.  I'm so very tired of it..

Bye for now

chris

[White_Rose]

Hello Chris

Thanks for your reply. I get so mad at myself for falling down. I have coped better with bigger things going amiss so why this has my knickers in a twist I don't know.  Must be some underlying reason that I cannot fathom just yet. I emailed my psych for some words of help or comfort and got a loud no reply so that ticked me off even more. So then I turned my anger on him. Now of course I feel remorseful and just a bit apprehensive.

He believes I can manage my emotions etc. Says I have the knowledge and skills to do this but I think I really want someone to do it for me. So still a bit further to travel on my journey.

I went out to lunch today with a couple of friends. Quite enjoyed myself. The I went to visit a very dear friend in a nursing home. I think getting out of the house is good and if it involves a bit of exercise so much better. However, one time of exercise does not do much. I think it needs a couple of goes before the hormones or whatever kick in.

I am so sad you are not up to par today. Headaches are so draining. Are you getting enough to drink? I've had two glasses of plain water today, as well as coffee, tea and cold drinks. I boast about the water as I normally avoid it even though it's supposed to be good for you. Coffee is much nicer.

But plenty of liquid is important. Both for your physical and mental health.  The brain does like to keep us on edge, not knowing how we will feel when we wake up. Telling your brain to butt out while you get on with doing something can help. Sounds weird I know but it is the brain that is feeding us all this cr*p about our lives so it needs to be put in it's place as much as the black dog.  Perhaps they are two halves of the same thing.

Hmm, perhaps I had best finish here before you start questioning my sanity.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Hello Chris

How are you going? Not having heard from you for a few days I thought I would check in and see what is happening in your life.

I have got back on an even keel so everything looks brighter. Weather forcast is for heavy rain in the next few days which I am not looking forward to. Good soaking rain is OK but not torrential downpours. They make me nervous.

I have been asked to take on another volunteer role which has has tickled me no end. And I also received some very nice compliments on my current role. All very good for the ego.

Hope to hear from you soon and that all is well.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Hello Chris

I was hoping to hear from you again. How are you travelling? I understand with your shift work it can be difficult to write in here. Hope all is well with you and that we hear from you soon.

Cheers

Mary

[Fearful]

Hi Mary

sorry I haven't been in here for a while.  I'm so pleased to hear you are feeling better Mary.  That's GREAT news.  It gives me hope!

Unfortunately Im really down & scared Today.  I've been up and down as you know (mostly down).  Went to see my psychiatrist10 days ago & he decided to double one of my antidepressants.  I didn't expect any results as hadn't felt better when he previously increased it.  However, after 3 days I started feeling better, and on day 4 I felt great.  No depression or anxiety when I woke or during my day.  Instead i, felt relaxed, positive and energetic and enjoying life again.  No fear or gloom enveloping me as before.  Such a great feeling!!  Felt like that for FIVE days and dared to hope that medication was finally working in my favour.  I was so excited and grateful to be feeling like my old self again.  

 Then on day 6 after a good sleep I woke feeling VERY tired and thick in the head and a bit flat and it stayed with me for the day.  The physical feelings were similar to when I am depressed but Mentally I wasn't feeling depressed, just lacking energy.  Was disappointing after previous days of enthusiasm and energy.  Saw my psychol - went well.  Went to dinner with 2 friends - went well too.  By the end of the day I had quite a bad neck & headache and went to bed with panadiene and heat packs and....  a niggling fear that all was not well.  Woke the next morning (yesterday) tired and headachey and feeling down and anxious again.  I can't tell you how disappointed I was.  Had tu pull myself together & go to work & entertain dinner guests that eve, but needed extra meds to do so.

today I woke feeling extremely tired again despite having slept well for 9 hours.  Also feel very depressed and a bit anxious.  Got up at 9, had breakfast then back to bed.  Forced myself up & dressed at 1.30.  Been miserable tho & achieved nothing.  Feeling very very sad & disappointed to be back in this holle. Wondering if I've actually caused it by being fearful it might return. Shouldn't have let myself hope I'd finally found a solution.  feel totally defeated.  This is such a torturous way to live - up and down for no reason.  I dared hope I was better, now I'm back to feeling very scared that nothing is ever going to change.

sorry this is such a miserable and self pitying post....

Today I ve started reading a book called "the happiness trap" which was recommended here on BB.  Hope it offers some helpful skills.

bye for now

Chris

[White_Rose]

Hello Chris

Lovely to hear from you, especially as you have made the effort while you feel so down. I had an increases in ADs before Christmas and had pretty much the same reaction as you. Within three days I felt so much better, no depressed feeling and full of energy. I couldn't keep the smile off my face. I think I was also a little tired and had a few daytime naps but overall it was fantastic.

My GP had said she wnated to review my medication again and probably increase it again. She felt I was more depressed than she had realised. The hyper effect wore off after a while and I did feel quite disappointed but when I took stock of myself and my feeling I realised there was a lasting improvement.

I had been going down quite rapidly and taking ages to get up again, having lots of thoughts about suicide even though I doubt that I would have done anything, but it was tempting. After the first AD increase I realised I was no longer in that place. Not everything went to order which was annoying, but in reality life doesn't do what we want just because we want it. I found my self harm thoughts almost disappear and if I did start thinking on that track I was able to change my thinking without much problem.

So the euphoria was great while it lasted but I think it is exhausting and that's what makes us tired. Early this year my GP again increased my AD and this time there was no euphoria and I again felt tired. The change in me is not as great as the first time but is still noticeable. I do feel better, more stable, much more able to think and understand where before my brain felt like a blur.

Yes I still get upset, who doesn't? But I am more in control and I regulate my emotions better. Still room for heaps of improvement, but it has given me so much encouragement.

So I encourage you to have a good look at yourself and compare how you now feel, after the AD increase.

Really consider the differences in your thinking, your ability to be more objective, manage your emotions, not crying so often and any other thoughts and behaviours you have. It's my guess that while it's sad to lose that wonderful "up" feeling and perhaps feeling a bit cheated, you are feeling better than before.

Give yourself time to settle down. Ten days is not very long and ADs do not have a full effect in a couple of weeks. Look at any of the good things that have stayed with you and be assured your body and brain will get their act together and integrate your new medication regime.

Cheers

Mary

[bluesea]

white rose your comments gave me a glimmer of hope,as i`ve been in major depression & anxiety for over 7mths now, andl like chris have been feeling like i`ll never get better. i am on pretty high dose of ADS but having the most difficulty believing i can beat this, or at least better manage it. i`ve had depression for over 30yrs, but have somehow managed to get on with life. i see a psychiatrist in 2 wks time and really hope he can help me unravel this mess

[White_Rose]

Dear Bluesea

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forum.  I am pleased my post was helpful tp you and if you would like to continue chatting with me or any others on this forum, can I suggest you start a new thread.

I would lke to know more about your struggles over the past 30 years.  It is such a huge time to manage on your own. I see you are going to see a psychiatrist soon.  Is this the first time you have had professional help?

I will look out for your thread.

Regards

Mary

[bluesea]

hi white rose, no it`s not the first time i`ve had help, but this time i know i`ve really got to do something about it, but i`m scared and feel ashamed. it`s probably irrational especially when i know a few people who have done it, without much professional help and they are fine now and getting on with their lives. i`ve heard about CBT but haven`t done it before, and the thought of change is overwhelming. does anyone else feel this way, and how have you overcome it?