falling apart

nataya · ‎21-03-2015

I am falling apart, can hardly hold myself together.....I feel like I am breaking and will not be able to be put back together. It's so dark I see no light it's all vanished. I'm scared of what comes next.

I am on medication and in therapy but I just feel like this hole I am in is getting deeper and deeper with no way out.....

I just don't know what to do anymore....I'm lost.

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SeverelyLost · ‎21-03-2015

If it helps, I know what that feels like. I have felt like that for 9 years. I exhausted every single medication, and even ones not for depression. I tried every therapy that was offered to me, and to this day I feel absolutely no better. I have been off meds for 5 of those years, and have been told to give up on myself and psychiatry, the mental health system as a whole, countless times. The hardest part is I want to and desperately need to get well, but there is literally nothing I can do. I am sorry if this isn't helpful, but just know that you aren't alone in this, there are other people that struggle just the ways you do. It helps to take one step at a time and hold on to the slightly less awful or better moments, so at least you have something better to remember on the darker days. It probably doesn't seem like it right now, maybe you have always had trouble seeing it, but just know that you're doing great by just persisting and holding on even in a difficult time in your life. You're very brave for doing that, so if its all I can do, I just wanted to tell you that, so you know. And I'm being sincerely honest, I promise. One step at a time. Each moment for how it is. You're truly awesome for being so brave to still be holding on. I hope there are better moments in time for you.

white knight · ‎21-03-2015

Hi nataya, welcome again

We now know that a depressive cycle should be allowed to "run its course" rather than rush it towards recovery. So, while you think it is getting deeper and deeper, you will soon feel yourself slowly recover just like the healing of a broken bone takes time.

Then you can implement some positive strategies I recently did this. Had some really bad days. Then as I began to come good I went to the movies, the next day planted some flowers and so on. Only one good task for the day but it has helped me recover.

During the depression cycle you feel there is no hope and confidence is at an all time low. Please accept that this is what the mind portrays and is not real.

So accept this and baby steps when you feel better.

Take care. Tony WK

geoff · ‎22-03-2015

dear Nataya, I see that you have a few comments that haveall ready been posted, so you're not someone who doesn't know the site, which is really good, however you are still feeling as though nothing is working for you, which we are so sorry for you.

Tony makes a good point in that depression has to be run it's course, although we can be made to feel better while we talk to our psych, but as soon as we leave their office we fall back into the hole.

The same can happen when we are admitted to a private clinic for a couple of weeks, where there are no phones, no hassles, and probably just a few people who may come and see us, so we feel better, and believe that we are ready to face the world again, but as soon as this happens, the phone rings or the hassles begin again, so we fall back into our hole.

I am just wondering whether or not you are happy with your psych, or feel at ease talking to him/her, plus I'm curious about your medication, I know that to answer these questions maybe too hard for you at the moment, which I totally understand, but I'd really like to hear back from you, because all we want to do is to try and help you.

So please have some trust in us. L Geoff. x

nataya · ‎22-03-2015

Severelylost, white knight and Geoff thank you so much for taking the time out to reply to me it means a lot.

I feel this is the last time I can be broken, I have had to rebuild myself several times over in my life I feel like the pieces get smaller and smaller each time and this time they are just tiny shards left behind. It seems the only way I can pick up the pieces is to use a dustpan but I don't think I'll be able to put it back together again.

As for my med's I have been on this cocktail of med's since end of 2012. I don't know if they bum out after so long but they just don't seem to be working at this point in time in my life.

As for my psych I don't have one right now but I am soon to have a new one my case manager was saying last time I went to see her. So I'm not sure how our relationship will build I guess it's just a waiting game and I'll soon see.

I feel so helpless right now and justdon't know what to do with myself or how to get the energy to keep myself going. I'm getting very very tied....

SeverelyLost · ‎22-03-2015

You know, feelings can be really awful and strong in times like this within our lives. If it isn't too much for you, would it be possible that perhaps you have some reflective time in a quiet, comfortable place, to perhaps bust that very feeling and the thoughts that come along with it, such as "I don't feel I can rebuild any more, I don't feel I can go further without wasting away". These are just thoughts, you don't have to let them effect you in adverse, negative manner such as how they are now. How about this small exercise, where as often as possible, you either write, think or tell yourself that you have been here before, and you are here in this moment time and time again, which must mean I can keep going. The brain responds in such an adverse way to reassurance, and that should prompt both you and your mind, that in fact, these feelings and thoughts have passed before and you are the evidence to prove you made it through a difficult time.

If that poses inappropriate for whatever reason, do you have any distraction strategies? Can you perhaps, at the end of each day, go through all the things you did that were a challenge to you? That also reminds you of the success you have had today. It doesn't matter how basic or trivial the task is, if its a challenge and you did it, you have succeeded.

For example, so far today, I have stayed awake for more than 6 hours, which is a challenge for me. Seems trivial to anyone else, but it let's me know I tried and I succeeded. You might be surprised how much that can effect you, or how much it might help you become more aware and mindful of your own daily behaviour and achievements etc.

Again, I hope things get even just a bit better for you.

White_Rose · ‎22-03-2015

Hello Nataya

I am so sad that you feel so dreadful. I want to give you some hope that your life will get better. Every time you fall over and get up again the more certain you become that you will get up again every time. Sounds a bit convoluted I know but it's true. Not that I expect you to believe it right now, but think about it. You have got up again and again. The effort is enormous but you can do it.

I am concerned about your lack of a psychologist. Does this mean you are in the public system? Can you go to your GP and get a referral to a private psych? I'm sure you know about mental health plans and having free consultations with a psych. It's not good to keep changing and stopping.

Please go and see your doctor. By the way, who is prescribing your medication? If you have been on the same medication for three years I would think it's time for a review. Can you tell the background to how you see a psych and get medication. I wonder if there is a better way.

Hope to hear from you soon.
Mary

nataya · ‎24-03-2015

Thanks Mary for your reply.

My medication is sorted out by my psychiatrist who I see at the local mental health clinic. I have given my Gp permission to speak with my psychiatrist as I only see her ever 6 weeks or so, so I can go to my doctor in between if I need to.

My case manager and psychiatrist work at the same clinic so they can talk to each other and it makes it a bit easier I guess.

My psychologists will also be at a mental health clinic but she is at a different one but both clinics can share information and so on. I think I should get my psychologists in the next few weeks as far as I am aware.

I did those sessions through my GP last year, the 10 free sessions just wasn't enough for me so that's how I got connected with my local clinic.

I also have a peer support worker, she is really nice and has been diagnosed with the same thing as me but she has now recovered.

I just feel like I put all this effort in and still seem to get nowhere, I wouldn't say I haven't learnt anything because I have learnt a great deal on how to cope but right now it just isn't working for me so it feels it was all for nothing.

I am so so so tied and drained everything is such a huge effort especially holding conversations.

White_Rose · ‎24-03-2015

Hello Nataya

It's good that you have your support people around you. Is your doctor OK with the mental health issues. My doctor is fabulous so when I feel really down I can go and see her. Not that I need to do so much these days, but I do have regular appointments with her about my depression.

I can really relate to the way you are feeling. It's seems at times that no matter how hard you try nothing works. And yet to be able to recognise that you have been able to cope is a great step forward. I know it does not help at the moment and I am trying to think of a way forward.

I also understand about about not wanting to do anything, even talking. As you say, talking feels so draining. Do you ever write down how you feel? And then try to work out where these thoughts are coming from. What has changed recently? Sometimes the smallest action or event can trigger a huge mood change.And it does help to find a cause. At least you know it's not because you are silly or anything. This is one of my problems. I find myself saying how useless I am and I have to work really hard to remember all things, or at least some, of the things I have done well in the past.

A few of my accomplishments are having four children and being a reasonable mother. Passing my driving test, gaining a degree at the age of 56. Not sure if leaving husband counts as successful, but it made me happier.

Another point to consider is your diet and exercise. When my depression was really bad I could not eat and lost 22kg in a couple of months. What I did though was to go for walks. Not for the exercise but because I could not stand being in my house on my own. However, it make me walk and although I did not realise it, the exercise was good for me.

I was also working so being with others helped. I had a lot of sick days because I could not get out of bed in the morning. In fact the psychiatrist wanted me to stop work altogether for a few months but I knew I would be worse on my own all day. In the end we compromised on working four hours a day. And by and large it worked.

Do you have a job? If not can you find a place to do some voluntary work? I know that's a big ask when you feel so down but I am a great believer in keeping busy. At least having a purpose for some days. What sort of things do you like doing?

OK, I think I have gone on enough for today.

I look forward to your reply.

Mary

nataya · ‎24-03-2015

Thanks yet again for taking the time to respond to me Mary I appreciate it a lot.

As for myGP dealing with my mental health issues she said she is fine to deal with it, I went to a doctors a few months back at the same clinic but she turned me away saying I was to complex for her to handle so that made me feel horrible. But my new one is ok with it so that's good.

I have a journal that I keep to write things down I have had journals for years but I go through stages of writing a lot and then sometimes I don't write for months. A few times its been a year or so.

I am glad you have been able to have accomplishments in your life. I wish I could say the same for myself but I have achieved nothing in my life, it's not like I haven't tried because I have I've been to take 3 times and failed each time mostly due to myself and believing I am not good enough and will never pass anything.

I use to exercise 2 hrs a day, but have since stopped that,I use to go for a walk every morning because my ex partner and his daughter would sleep until lunch time when I was up at 8. And there was nowhere in the house for me to go as we lived in a one bedroom unit so his daughter had to sleep on the couch. I want to get back into my exercise but I just can not find my motivation for it right now.

I have a job,I am a casual at a before and after school care service so I can get called into work any day of the week, but most of the time at the moment I can not be at work because it requires to much of me I have to be so focused and alert when looking after other people's children. So I haven't really been working much this year at all.

I could not give you a list of things I like doing because I don't know what I like myself. U spent the last 6and a half years in a relationship with my now ex boyfriend and I just moulded myself off what he liked and didn't like and who he liked and didn't like. He never liked any of my friends only his own. Everyone keeps telling me I just left an emotionally abusive relationship so I was strong to finally pull the plug but I just don't see it at all and I miss him so much but my,biggest problem is I couldn't live in a one bedroom unit with three people any longer it was causing havoc on my health. So I need to try things and see if I like them but I don't have the energy or the confidence to try anything new especially if it is with a group of ppeople.

Eachday I care less and less and become more and more flat.cat cuddles keep me going