falling apart

[nataya]

I am falling apart, can hardly hold myself together.....I feel like I am breaking and will not be able to be put back together. It's so dark I see no light it's all vanished. I'm scared of what comes next.

I am on medication and in therapy but I just feel like this hole I am in is getting deeper and deeper with no way out.....

I just don't know what to do anymore....I'm lost.


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[White_Rose]

Dear Nataya

Cats are fantastic to cuddle. Until I moved to my present home I always had a couple of cats and dogs. I had one cat who definitely liked cuddles. If I was sitting reading he would climb onto my lap and poke his head up between me and the book, wriggle round and push the book away. Nothing like a hint. He also liked to lie on my son's back when he was lying on the floor reading in front of the fire. The cat, who was named Fluffy by his previous owners, found that position was out of any draughts, and the ideal height to feel the warmth of the fire. Woe betide my son if he should attempt to move.

My dear, only you can get yourself back to full health. All the psychs can do is help you, show you the way. You need to make one effort a day to get out of the house and do something. You are living in a flat I understand. Probably no garden, but what about a couple of pot plants to look after? They do not mean a great deal of work but do need tending to some extent.

You are managing to feed your cat and I hope to feed yourself. That's good. Try a small thing like the pot plant or walk round the block. I know the motivation is not there. One of the most useful things I read was the comment "Act as if..." Or a more modern take on the same theme, "Fake it 'til you make it".

I know it's easy for me to say and much harder for you to do. But try anyway. Make yourself walk round the block today and again tomorrow etc.It's amazing how much this short exercise will help. This will be one of your achievements. And talking of achievements, you have forgotten that you left your partner. It may not seem a huge thing but it is. I left my husband after 30 years and it was extremely difficult. The family were not happy but had all left home by then. At this stage you do not have children to worry about.

My achievement this morning is getting out of bed and dressed before 9:00 am. OK I have an excuse for being a bit slow because I came home from hospital yesterday after surgery and an overnight stay. But still, I could happily wander around in my nightclothes for a couple of hours more. Successes do not need to be large. Just taking the next step is often more of a victory than passing a test.

I was going to chat about friends and hobbies but short of words. My ex gradually excluded my friends unless he particularly liked them which was not often. This sort of thing make you very dependent on your partner. Sit in the park and say Good Morning to at least three people.

Mary

[nataya]

Thanks again for your time, I don't deserve it.

I am very lucky with my cats I have one who is a huge snuggle buddy she to sit infant of me when I am trying to read! But it's best when I try to sleep and she sleeps under the covers with me:).

I am keeping myself busy at the moment my partner left awhole lot of stuff behind when he moved out so I am in the process of moving all his stuff out and cleaning up the mess left behind. Scrubbing walls and everything, I am very lucky to have one friend who is willing to help me and teache how to clean as I never learnt.

I know nobody can make me better but myself but right now I need other people to believe in me because I can not believe in myself. I don't know what else I can do to make me better I have tried so many different things.

I am lucky right now I have one friend who I can spend time with and I do spend quiet a lot of time with her and her family. She helped me become strong enough to break up with my ex.

As for a garden I am just starting one now I have got all my ex's junk out of there so I can make it how I want to.

I feel like there is ment to be this big new beginning for me and it should be exciting but I just can not feel it or see it.

I kind of feel like I am building this new life for other people so they can see and think I am better because I'm to scared to tell them I'm not doing as well as they all think and they will have nothing to be proud about.

[White_Rose]

Dear Nataya

Do not believe for one moment that you are unworthy of anything. You are keeping yourself busy and whether that is with the help of a friend or on your own it's great. I am really pleased for you that there is someone to help you. We all most definitely need help and I am so sorry if I insinuated that you had to make this journey alone.

Asking for help, and more importantly accepting it, is another step on the way. You are full of successes so pat yourself on the back. Cleaning out the ex's stuff is great. It's not just making room, it's a great symbol of moving on. And I do believe in you. Look at what you are accomplishing.

My dear I did not mean to make you feel uncomfortable and I am so sorry for saying anything that is unhelpful. You are learning new skills in the home and garden. That's awesome.

New beginnings can be magical and they can also be plain hard work. This is a hard work new start but you will be so proud of yourself at the end. When you start your garden and see the first shoots appear it is magic. I found that when I learned to garden. I found it hard to believe I could make a garden the way I wanted and I did not kill all the plants.

I am still learning to accept help. I thought I should do things by myself but as I said I have just returned from hospital and I am so overcome with all the messages of love and support and offers of help. I find it amazing and I feel so blessed. I have never allowed myself to accept much help in the past, because like you, I felt I did not deserve it.

Your friends, and I would like to include myself in that group, are proud of the effort you are making. Depression does not go away by itself. It makes us believe we are useless and undeserving. That's how it works. Our job is to tell our brains to butt out for a while until we can manage to tame them.

In reality the brain can be quite lazy and wants to take the easiest path to anywhere. Well the easiest path is to continue down the depression road. And this is why we need to fight so hard to change direction. And yes, it is hard. And yes, we do get discouraged. And yes, we do need help.

So toss out all the ex's junk, scrub him off the walls and fill your home with light, flowers and joy. It will come back.

Mary

[matt]

I totally identified with your story. And what White Knight said was true about the cycle but the problem is the fact that it is a cycle and you know as sure as the sun shines through the clouds, there's gonna be rain tomorrow or the next day. And thats the whole problem, knowing you'll just go round in circles all your life; what relationships you manage to sustain wont last, what jobs you find you'll lose and this I believe is the reason people take their own lives. Not so much because they happen to be going through a dark patch at that particular time.

I know my words aren't inspiring  and I apologize but Ive been reading your story and I believe the solution for someone like you is interaction.  I dont actually have any friends myself and haven't for 20 odd years, my personality isn't suited to attracting them, I use creativity to induce self-worth. I fall in love with art and it loves me back but its only as real as you make it. People are real, whether you want/need them to be or not.  So you have that advantage over me, your personality.

[White_Rose]

Dear Matt

Welcome to Beyond Blue. It's great that you can respond to other people who post here.

Depression is often a cycle that comes and goes but eventually it will go away. To be convinced that this is, to quote an old film, a never ending story, is so demoralising. Why struggle if things are not going to get better. I am so sad that you believe there is no hope for you.

Relationships are vital to our well-being but like many things they change. I have all but lost touch with those I went to school with although we communicated so much in our younger days. But I have made friends everywhere as I have got older. OK some of them were not such wonderful choices, but that's part of learning.

You may have a tendency to become "down" quite easily but you can also learn how to stay "up" or get "up" again so that it becomes an automatic process. People who live with illnesses such as diabetes and high blood pressure manage their lives well and are happy. This is a good analogy for depression. Do what is necessary then get out and enjoy life.

You say you have no friends but enjoy your art work. Fantastic. How come other people who have the same interests do not become your friends? You sound like I used to be. No one could possible like me or want to be my friend. If you have read my post above you will see how wrong I can be.

Do you see a psychologist of any description? Or take medication? I would really like to talk to you on this web site if that's OK with you. Can you start your own thread under Depression. Click onto the depression site then click new thread in the top right hand corner and go from there. That way I can talk to you and Nataya and not get the threads confused.

I look forward to your thread.

Mary

[matt]

Thanks for your concern but Id rather this post wasn't about me. I appreciate your thoughts though.

What I was thinking would be a good idea, particularly for someone like Nataya is a support group for people with depression. You know like there is for alcoholics and single dads so like minded folk can meet and start new relationships with people of the same 'type' instead of, what I refer to as 'flatliners'. I find people who are happy all the time are the hardest to relate to or trust. They just dont seem real to me.

If you meet people who have  similar idiosyncrasies  and disabilities you would have a stronger chance of friendships not only lasting longer but also being more supportive given the bond which ties you together is the same. At least in theory it makes sense. I personally live in a cave so Im not sure if such a thing already exists. Does it?

[nataya]

Mary you have said nothing to upset me at all you have been nothing but warm caring and kind to me so I thank you for that.

Icouldn't not joking a group at least not right now I can't really talk if it is more than one on one I get to scared and intimidated. Maybe I will be comfortable with it one day but definitely not right now.

But thank you so much for you kind words and suggestions 

[Chris_B]

Hi Matt (and Nataya),

There is an organisation called GROW which runs support groups for people all over Australia. You can also google 'depression meetup' to find other groups, or call our support service on 1300 22 4636 for suggestions in your area.

Matt you also might want to think about Men's Sheds, while they haven't been set up specifically for guys with depression, there's a lot of guys there who know what it's like. We run an online Shed forum here you might want to look at, you can post there with the same login details you use for here.