Exhausted.

[mamamia]

Hi. My name is Ria and I have had this infliction for what seems a life time. Until recently I thought I had it under control but unfortunately it has me beaten again. Am trying to deal with it without medication because I hate taking it. Have been to counsellors and physcologists in the past and found them to be no help. I don't want to talk in depth about what my deep seeded issues are. Right now it is just too much to cope with.

I have unfortunately made some bad choices in regards to relationships and this has some what scarred me. I was married for almost 25 years and have 3 children who are now adults. I stayed far too long in that marriage, for my kids sake.  My husband was very controlling. He was jealous of anyone who took me away from him. He wanted my attention constantly. He was even jealous of our children. As a result of this I was never given the chance to enjoy our children. He was forever telling me what to do, when to feed them, where to take them etc. I have always resented him for that. I finally found the courage to leave when our youngest was 16. By  then I had been suffering with depression for over 10 years and I was also diagonosed with Menieres. A very debilitating illness with no cure.  I got very little from the settlement. He didn't want to give me anything. I know some people, esp guys are going to say all women say that but it is true. My husband was very very mean and I must admit I was too tired to fight. Any way I was very happy for about 4 months. I was on medication at this time. In frustration and anger I have hurt myself. I got together with some one I had known for 13 years. He moved in with me and my daughter. He was an abusive alcoholic and a compulsive gambler. He hurt me and stole my money. I left him but I had to leave town. Leave my kids. who I still miss terribly, and leave a very good job. I was a basket case and thought leaving town was the only way to get away from him. I moved in with my sister and her family. I slowly got back on my feet. Moved to a small town, into a little place of my own and found a good job that I enjoyed. Of course I thought I needed a man so met one online. Got to know him over 3 years. We spent a bit of time together. I really thought he was perfect for me. I gave up my job, my place and moved, away from my support which was my family, across to W.A. I have never seen some one change so quickly. I was again in a horrible situation. I left him after giving it a go for 18 months. Now I am not saying that I am a perfect person, but I certainly don't make out I am some one I am not. What you see is what you get. The biggest issue I have is not being able to forgive myself. For hurting my children, by leaving them when they needed me esp my daughter and for hurting myself. I don't mean physically, I mean emotionally.

I really just want to be happy in myself again. I am tired of putting on a brave face for those around me. I am tired of working. It is such an effort to do anything. I have no where to relax and be myself. I just want to cry and sleep for as long as I need to.

Now at midnight I will try and get some sleep so I can function at work this morning. Thank you for allowing me to vent. Sorry it was very long winded.

[vip]

Hi mamamia so sorry for all that has happened to you here. But saying you dont like taking the medication wont help your recovery from the depression. I have been on my medication for 22 yrs and i recently just came off it with the help from my gp and psych. . But saying that i still have to be cautious if i experience low moods ect and let them know. 1st mistake you did here was to rush into these other relationships i hope your on your own now because it seems we leave one relationship and get into something worse. I understand you like the companionship but it would be wise to get better and reflect on whats happened here  by yourself when you get everything in control thats when i would start and looking to build a relationship with someone else. With forgiving yourself well we have all made mistakes i have made massive ones in my lifetime but i look at it this way the mistakes were made i grew and learnt from them and now i hopefully dont try and make the same mistakes in the future dont beat yourself up here you really havnt done anything massively wrong you just have got yourself in difficult situations kind of like what i did. Speaking on this forum is a great step to recovery but i would recommend you speak to your gp and psych and get yourself on a mental health plan so that you can recover from all this and move on. Take care hope this helps.