everything look perfect on the outside

[Maggie_Mae]

Hi I am new here, after months ( honestly years) of refusing to accknowlege I may be deppressed I thought I would give this a go.

From the outside I am very lucky I have a wonderful husband, beautiful health children. A home and people around me that care about me. But for some reason I have this hole inside of me a place that makes me forget the happiness I should feel for my life.

I feel guilty for feeling sad I have no right too. There are so many people who are doing it tough, they can find happiness why can't I?

How easy it is to pretend everything is fine, the front/face I put on every day. While inside I am scaried sad lost. Why is it easier to continue to pretend, than try to understand what's going on inside my head. I am not sure why it is easier to write than ever utter a word.

[lookingforme]

Hi Maggie Mae,

I can see from your post that you recognize where your happiness comes from. That hole, you described it perfectly. It makes us forget the good, and envelopes you in the bad. And I am truly sorry you feel that hole.

I think that comparing yourself to other people, no matter the circumstances, is a dangerous move, especially when it comes to depression. Too often you can get lost in how you should be feeling comparing your circumstances with others, that you forget or put brush off how you are actually feeling, and then, you simply don't deal with it. In relation to this, I'd like to say well done for posting, because by doing so, you are acknowledging that something is wrong, that you may be depressed, and you are telling someone. I think once you know what you are facing, you can begin face it and help yourself with it.

Perhaps, it is easier to deny that anything is wrong, because maybe you know the problem is hard to overcome? I understand perfectly that writing is much easier than speaking the words, somehow the words get stuck in my throat when it comes to speaking out bout myself and everything I face on the inside.

Have you thought about seeking assistance from a GP or a psychologist? If you are worried about speaking about it, it's okay to write what you feel, and read off that piece of paper, or even show it to the doc...I am told it is not the best version of social interaction, but if it's the only thing you can do, it doesn't matter about social convention.

I encourage you to let your façade go for a bit, and speak out more.

I realise the time you wrote this, and these thoughts must be keeping you up?

Please write back.

Joelle

[Maggie_Mae]

Thanks for the reply Joelle.

I read you reply and i know you are right, I should not compare myself to others but it's hard not to feel guilty about being sad,lonely. I struggle with no being able to see what I am sad about. There is no reason. Were as if it was physical pain I xiuld understand it better.

Your advice to write down and read is a good idea. But actually finding the confidence to go for help, how do I find that? How do I let others see me for who I am and not what I want them to see? Doing that is admitting that I failed!

[lookingforme]

Hi Maggie,

Trust me, I get it. I used to feel this guilt. I don't have a family like you do (husband and children), but I knew I was lucky to be getting an education, I was lucky to have friends etc. I could tally it and come up with reasons to be happy, but fact was, I wasn't, and I couldn't see why. When I was growing up, I put it down to my parents and the way I was treated, but after moving out and having my slate cleaned, I could not reconcile why depression kept coming back. At the time, like you now, I never sought help. I just dealt with it the best I can, with the mentality of physical pain being easier to manage. This is not something you want to cultivate Maggie, please. The day I got over that guilt, was the day I sought help, where my feelings and emotions were validated, there was a reason, it was called depression and anxiety. This struggle of failing to see what you are sad about, it is you trying to rationalize depression. If, however, you changed your perspective on depression, maybe depression is the answer to you rationalizing your sadness and emptiness?

For me, it wasn't confidence that made me go for help, it was a place of desperation, and I think you may be there. I put it to you that, by reaching out on here, you have already started the process. I started the exact same way. I was on here, reading everybody else's stories, how they got help. I hope that's what gets reiterated for you on these forums as you read through also. I think you get your confidence back after you know you are tackling your problems at hand.

What have you failed by letting people see who you really are? I can tell you are caring by the guilt you feel. Are you still not the same caring person, who cares for her husband and children? This will not change. You will still be that person. I think that admitting to a problem, like concern about having depression (which you already have), takes strength and courage, not weakness. Failure..has heavy, negative connotations. It puts pressure on yourself that probably adds to your feelings. Let's talk about fact instead: You've reached out here, and you are seriously considering how to take the step to get better. This doesn't sound like failure to me. Maybe the next step you can work toward, is taking looking around this website, and taking the anxiety/depression checklists, so you have something you can talk about if you call the hotline or a GP? Just one step at a time?

[Maggie_Mae]

How do i change the way I think or view things differently? How do I get help knowing people will feel sorry for me and treat me differently. i have always been the one people turn to for help losing that means losing who I am. What have I failed? MYSELF!

i admire your strength to be able to seek help and now help others but I don't have that strength.

i will certainly continue to read others posts, and explore the site more. Thanks for your advice.

[lookingforme]

Hi Maggie,

I am sincerely sorry if I upset you by asking that question.

I suppose, by getting help I was able to change that way of looking at myself. I understand now what you are feeling, that by letting people in on how you are feeling, will make you seem weaker in their eyes, and in turn, you think they will not turn to you for help.

I wish I could inspire you with my words and make you believe what we can see, but self-realization is an important process in any life, not just for those with mental health issues. But, I can tell you what I think anyway if that's okay? That, you seeking help to better your headspace is not failing yourself - be it just on these forums or in a different way. You bettering your headspace means you can indeed be stronger for the people you help, the very act you define yourself by, this is not failing yourself.

I can't speak for the people around you, it would be hypocritical of me to, because I only "outed" myself to my parents three days ago, after getting help a year ago and experiencing this for more than a decade before, I can trace this back to when I was 13 and I'm 27 now. I had my reasons to keep it from them. What I am trying to say is you don't have to tell anyone unless you're ready to, but that doesn't necessarily preclude help altogether, even if it is just a visit to the GP for a check up/chat. I understand that having a family complicates this but...maybe someone else can have insight to that around these forums.

It is okay that you don't feel strong. I hope you find something in my words and those of the other posters around here that keeps you going. I do care. We all care.

Joelle

[Maggie_Mae]

You didn't upset me Joelle, I am frustrated with myself for not having the strength to be able to pull myself togther and get on with life. Emotional pain, is just so hard for my logical type brain to figure out. If a friend is hurt I am sad for them, that makes sense. If I break my arm I am sad becauae it physically hurts. But when I feel sad with no reason it doesn't make sense and I get frustrated and angry at myself.

[lookingforme]

I get it. I was the same. I can reconcile it with myself in this way: Nature and nurture, and a play of one on the other. Nature: Genetic predisposition based on discoveries in family history. Exacerbated by Nurture, the environment I grew up in and things that happened to me. Note that my environment may or may not have been considered as traumatic or enough to exacerbate such an event, but my brain registered it as such. The accumulation of nature and nurture resulted in improper brain network formation, chemical "imbalances" etc. Just things going wrong. I know that antidepressants have helped me so, there must be something to the chemical aspect. You can actually do the research online and find many reasons. I won't lie to you, there are still times when I cannot accept it, and there are times when I feel so hopeless because I have a reason that I cannot truly control or change. It's always bittersweet.

I understand the anger and frustration that comes from battling yourself, your logics versus your emotions. I am sorry that you are going through it. This is very much a self-realization/self-achieving process, If I could I would snap my fingers and heal everyone on here. So, try to slow your brain down, try to be gentle on yourself (less frustrated and angry), and take your time.

In the mean time...can you consider healthy outlets like exercise? Maybe a good punching bag session?

The only help I can offer you is to listen and chat.

[Anahata]

Hi Maggie Mae, depression is not always a reaction to some catastrophic loss or traumatic life event, it can sometimes be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain which makes you feel sad for no reason. This is why medication can be so useful. You don't necessarily need to take it for a long time, just long enough to get a leg-up out of the pit.

Feeling guilty about being depressed is just as inappropriate as feeling guilty about having a broken leg. For years I was told when I was experiencing depression that I was being ungrateful. It's all rubbish. If you are clinically depressed it doesn't matter how wonderful your life may seem, it won't change your feelings of sadness that are part of the disease.

Trying to push through emotionally and pretend everything is okay is like walking around on your broken leg instead of seeking treatment for it, putting it in a cast and resting it.

Depression isn't a weakness or a moral failing, it is just one of those things that can go wrong with a person. Visiting a GP may take you one step closer to giving your family back a more happy, functional version of yourself. Even if you don't require medication there are therapies such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy you can explore that may help you to feel better.

The first step is the hardest. You have taken a very positive step posting to this forum, so give yourself credit for that.

[Neil_1]

Dear Maggie Mae

I’ve been following your thread and thought I’d chip in as well.

I might be very slow here and it may have already been said, but to me it stands out with how &/or what you’re feeling/experiencing.

This is the mongrel disease of depression. You can’t see it, you can’t rate it against anything and treating it is a long winded and bloody difficult process.

A broken leg has been mentioned (I’ll quickly comment on this, but depression is way more severe and critical than a broken leg); so a broken leg is then put in a plaster cast, you have crutches for a while and people see this and sympathise.

Likewise, people with cancer. It can be measured, you can see dark shades of this mongrel disease resulting from different tests. People are then given differing kinds of treatment, but the general public sympathises big time for cancer sufferers (and I’m not trying to belittle what cancer is, cause I’ve lost both my parents through it).

But with depression, you get diagnosed with it, you get medication to take for it and you get referred to psychologists/psychiatrists with it, but the general public know the word, but that’s as far as it goes for them. It’s not something that can be seen, but it’s a horrible disease that can have devastating effects and we know this.

As mentioned before, you have your wonderful family and nothing will change that – the person you are now, still loves and cares for them, and the feelings are vice-versa as well.

You’ve taken the big step to come here and write about it – that is a huge positive step from you and through this, I hope that in some way, it has helped you a little, and even if it has been by a little, then that is another positive to grab hold off.

We need to grab hold of the positives, because one of the things that depression does to us is it buries the positives and it thrusts the negatives to the fore-front. It makes us think differently, mostly about ourselves. You didn’t ask for this illness, but it just attached itself to you. For me, it’s also something that one person cannot fight by themselves. Help/assistance is needed and from various sources. You’ve already reached out and taken one type and good on you for doing that.

You’ll know when you are ready to take that next step.

I’m sorry I’ve rambled a bit here, but would love to hear back from you.

Neil