Endless Cycle Of Asking Why I Do Not Matter

[SoundlyBlurred]

Hello.

I'm a 28 year old female who doesn't have any motivation or joy in anything I do, not even the things I love to do. I have a hard time convincing myself that I'm important enough to care about myself, but I don't.

Everyday I wake up without eating breakfast and do the bare minimum of my morning routine before heading to work. Its so that I look normal enough to people so they don't assume I'm really broken inside. Everyone at work knows me as the Smiley, someone who is happy and friendly all the time, a ball of sunshine.

The truth is I only smile to trick my brain into thinking that Im actually happy but I'm not. Each night I wonder if I could pass away in my sleep because I think maybe it would be the only way I feel happy. Is there something wrong with me that I feel happiness is some kind of short-lived illusion?

I suppose I have some underlying issues to address, but I don't even know what they are.

I really don't have many friends because its hard for me to relate to anyone. It feels lonely despite not being alone around people.

I hope I can find some understandings as to why I feel this way, and why others like me feel the way they do.

[Sophie_M]

Hi SoundlyBlurred, 

What a realy difficult time. Its hard to geth through everyday but to not feel happy or joy in life and have to pretend in front of others must be really exhausting for you. Its good you can see there might be some reasons as to why your feeling like this and getting some counselling help can dig into they why and moved this so things start to shift in a positive way. Starting to reach out here is a good step and then you can start to explore this with a counsellor who can help. Please take care for the weekend. 

[therising]

Hi SoundlyBlurred

I'm so sorry to hear you're experiencing such an incredibly challenging time.

In my own way, I can understand how you are feeling. I lived with depression for many years myself in the past. It took me a long time to realise that happiness and motivation come as a side effect of a key factor I try to remember each day. I see myself as kind of like a human battery, designed to power up in a way. I do realise this sounds very simplistic but I find it works more times than not.

For about 5-10 mins, I stand out in the sun early in the day and actually raise my head up to it (eyes closed of course). When I open my eyes and look around, things appear greener and kind of blue. Apparently this is good for us. Did a bit of research about the benefits.

I drink a lot of water, which was not easy at first. It's pure bottled water by the way. I imagine it flushing out any nasty chemicals in my body. When I pee, I say 'I let go of what my body does not need' (physically and mentally).

I try to be conscious of what I eat. I feel incredibly 'flat' (battery reference) if I pack processed foods into me. Still trying to break some bad habits.

There are other things that power me up, such as my kids, certain songs, special objects, aromatherapy oils (expensive and obsessive hobby indeed) and the list goes on.

One of the most challenging so far has been wind power. Standing outside on a cold Melbourne morning without a jumper on and with my arms open wide, allowing the wind to bring me to life, had me shaking a bit. Sounds a bit airy fairy but seeing all living things energetically vibrate at different levels (according to physics), I've convinced myself that I'm vibrating (aka shaking) as my body and goosebumps adjust to the outside temp.

I do understand how soul destroying depression can become but if there's one thing that can bring the soul back to life it is imagination. Imagining the self as a battery, with the input of solar, wind, nuclear, hydro and so on, we can re-turn to some of the playfulness we had as kids, when just about anything was possible. It was a time when we had so much energy, we'd drive our parents crazy. It was a time when we were our natural or you could say nature-al self.

If I could sum my depression up in one word it would be 'contracted'. Trying to live with open arms to nature and an open mind (imagining) can take time but if there is one thing that feeds the soul it is childishness.

Feel the sun on your face today 🙂

[White_Rose]

Dear SoundlyBlurred

Welcome to the forum. You may find it very helpful to post here and talk about the things that bother you. It sounds like you are going through a bad time and need somewhere to go talk about it. We are always here though not necessarily immediately available. Talking about your thoughts and feelings can be quite helpful and allows you to explore areas of your life.

Have you spoken to your GP about this? I have found GPs on the whole are very much aware of mental health problems and will help you to navigate through these bad times. Other activities can be useful. Therising has described her approach and I think you will find just about everyone has a different approach to improving their lives. We need to do what gives us joy and sometimes that can be hard to find.

I went back to activities I enjoyed many years ago both when growing up and later when my children were born. I have always enjoyed embroidery and knitting and embraced scrapbooking when it became the rage a while ago. I still do these activities as it gives me a sense of achievement. My grandchildren enjoy the pictures I sew for them and I find that very worthwhile.

When I became depressed nearly 20 years ago I used to do the same as you. No breakfast, dressed with the minimum of fuss and off to work with a smile pinned on my face. It was exhausting. Then one day some minor thing went wrong work and I fell apart very publicly. No hiding then. I had good colleagues who helped me and started me on the road to recovery. I doubt I would have asked any of them for help in case they thought I was a failure. But the decision was taken out of my hands, fortunately for me.

Does your organisation have an Employer Assistance Program? Many larger organisations have one which is available, free of charge, to any employee. If this is available it would be worthwhile to check it out.

Love to hear from you again.

Mary

[SoundlyBlurred]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for all your replies, I have read them all. I also find it very comforting how many people go through the same thing, and have different ways of dealing with it.

I have spoken about it to a GP before when I was feeling very depressed and worn out from the work environment. After taking a couple of days off from work, there was a huge improvement as I seem to feel happier being away from my manager that I don't like. I work for a small company so we don't have special programs or anything, but anyway that's a different matter.

The GP asked me what I wanted to do next since I've improved that I didn't need sleeping pills to fall asleep or preparing a mental health plan. I told her that I would join this forum as I feel its more like I need a few nudges now and there and then try self-improving on my own. I've learn that no one can do everything alone, and we need support now and there.

I suppose I was upset that day because I've had many heartbreaks in my life where the men who are important to me just leave, or aren't interested in being with me, and since then it's been a cycle of "Why aren't I important enough to be loved by them/want to be with me?". Lately I've been joining dating apps and going on my first date ever, I was wrecked with nerves and even wanted to cancel, but at the end of it, I stuck through and met him. He actually wanted to see me again because we had a good time...

But in the back of my head, I'm just thinking he's just going to say that I'm a 'good person' but then leave like everyone else I ever loved.

Seriously, am I making sense at the moment?

[White_Rose]

Hello SoundlyBlurred

Sorry not to reply earlier. Wednesdays tend to be my forget it day for everything except my volunteer job.

You are definitely making sense. There are so many of us who feel we are not worthwhile for someone to know and more importantly, to like. It can be amazing how the brain can trick us into turning a good situation into a bad one. We receive a compliment and refuse to believe it's genuine as we quickly dive down the old road with various excuses such as, "They are only saying that to be nice" Well if they did not appreciate you in some way I suspect you would not get a compliment.

I am a little concerned about your idea of I told her that I would join this forum as I feel its more like I need a few nudges now and there and then try self-improving on my own. One thing I have learned is that we do need someone to guide us through the maze of mental ill health. Getting off your sleeping tablets is great. When you return to work do you think you will manage? Did your GP suggest an antidepressant?

I don't like taking meds of any kind and somehow it feels quite shameful to take medication for depression. All we have to do is be strong, turn our thinking around and get well. I ask you, how are you going to combat these intrusive thoughts on your own?

It sounds very much like your job is at the bottom, or very near, of your problems, especially when a few days off can produce a change that allows you to get off your sleeping tablets. What are the chances of finding another job? It may be a better plan and solve some of your issues. I do suggest you see a psychologist or psychiatrist. Sounds like you already know about the Mental Health Plan process so going back and seeing the psychologist you used to see would be of great help.

We are certainly here to help and support you in any decision you make. I think you need a longer term plan than a Mental Health Plan which only gives you ten visits per year. Seeing a psychiatrist has the advantage of getting medication from someone who is legally able to write a prescription. Also their consultations always have a Medicare refund enabling you to afford the often high cost of psychiatrist or psychologist fees. It's certainly worth exploring.

If you are looking for self help books I recommend to read this book. Feeling Good by David D Burns. It's based on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT)

Looks like I have run out of space.

Mary