Empty

[Lightning707]

I can’t really recall a time where I’ve been actually happy, I’ve had depression for years and I’ve managed by putting on a happy act for everyone but it’s getting harder and harder to maintain. I can’t really enjoy anything, I don’t really feel anything except for emptiness and sadness in my chest.

Every time I feel like I make a bit of progress something happens to knock me back down again. A few years ago I had an accident where I ended up damaging my knee and getting this thing called complex regional pain, if that wasn’t enough I then found out I have inter-cranial pressure that is damaging my optic nerves and hypersomnia which makes me fall asleep all the time. Every moment I’m awake hurts and the medicine I have to take makes me feel nauseous. I’m really limited in what I can do, I don’t even want to move most days, it’s hard to get my family to understand that and they keep pressuring me and guilting me that I don’t do enough. It’s not that I’m lazy it’s that I can’t do it, the reminder of my limitations only makes me more exhausted and depressed. I think because I’ve been fakeing it for years they can’t take me seriously when I try to tell them I’m not ok. I’m really beginning to resent my body and myself because of my inability to do things.
I have been to psychologists, but in person old habits die hard and I can’t help but minimise my issues and put on a brave face, it’s a wall that I can’t seem to overcome and no matter how many sessions I go to I don’t feel any change, I still feel empty inside and the lack of progress is just disheartening. I don’t know what I hope for in bringing this up here I just kind of wanted to tell someone how I feel.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hey there

Welcome to the forums and thanks for sharing your story. I imagine it was easier to do here, than in real life? I get that. I was having a conversation with someone this morning about how society conditions us to put on a brave/happy face. But... in order for things to get better, we do need to practice being vulnerable, as hard as it is.

You're important. Your feelings, and your needs are important. But if you can't share them, no-one can really understand what's happening for you and you stay stuck. I get it's not easy, and I'm working on it too. I wonder if you can spend some time thinking about what would make it easier to open up about what's going on for you? Some people on the forums prefer to write things down and share that writing with family/friends/GP/MH specialist - whoever it might be. Or even practicing saying things out loud to ourselves, so that the words feel comfortable coming out our mouths before we say them to someone else.

I'm sorry things are hard right now. They can get better. Sometimes it takes being really brave to be able to help ourselves. I'm glad you've opened up here. I think that's a great first step.

Hope to hear more from you. Katy

[Matchy69]

Hi Lightning707 and I to would like to welcome you to the forums I am really sorry you are going through so much pain.I am sorry for the depression you are suffering from this.I am glad you are seeing a psychologist and one thing is be completely truthful with them and tell them your not ok.Their is nothing to be ashamed of by letting it all out.I know how hard that can be and struggled myself by telling people how I really am feeling.Just seems easier to say your ok but try and let do me more out hos you really are.

Tale care,

Mark.

[Lightning707]

The writing thing seems like a good idea, I will definitely try it out. It might be a lot easier for me to express myself to the doctor and my family that way.

[Croix]

Dear Lightning707~

"Faking it", I called it putting on a mask in my case, seems the natural thing to do. It prevents fuss, being always asked how you are and having discussions where people offer unrealistic options. So much easier to present yourself as OK and live a 'normal' life without all those hassles.

Unfortunatly as we have both found out it is not that good an idea in the long term.

The first problem is that you start to feel isolated, there is no one to share your burden, you are on your own. The second is you realise nobody understands you and what you are going though -a very lonely and upsetting barrier.

Masking your symptoms does prevent proper treatment too.

The last thing of course is where the mask cannot hide your condition any longer - the stage you have reached now - and as you say pretending to be OK for so long has come back to bite you.

May I suggest two stages, the first being wiht a psychologist. Write a list of your physical ailments and the doctors who have diagnosed them, and also a list of the effects on you, much as Katy says.

NO, not easy if you have always avoided these issues, but writing the lists in the preceding few days ensures accuracy, completeness and makes the consultation so much easier both for you and the psych.

Perhaps then I guess you have a choice, and you'd make it based on what your family, or a particular member, is like. You could give them the same lists, or you could take one along to a psych session and have your condition explained by someone who is a professional and likely to be listened to.

They can emphasize how you have tried to soldier on and present a brave face, but the time for that is well over.

I hope that you able in time to alleviate those physical symptoms, they sound serious and worrying. Please talk things over here as often as you would like

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Lightning, a warm welcome to the BB forums.

Sadness is a fear we are petrified of, but if we didn't have it, then we couldn't appreciate happiness in life, but in life that's what we try and avoid, and how can we actually express ourselves to someone who is constantly happy, and will they understand or interrupt it the wrong way.

Who taught us what was right or wrong, and there are exceptions that differ from person to person, especially when you can't physically attain in doing them, how does the person believe what we're saying because it may not be visible and to take medication that makes you nauseous will certainly deter you from wanting to take it, that's completely understandable.

There are times when you feel like you’re on top of the world, different to when you may feel like you’re at the bottom and although this isn't how we want to feel, it makes us appreciate when we are stronger, however, I'm so very sorry but please remember there is always someone willing to try and prop you up, listen to how exactly you feel.

Best wishes.

Geoff.