Dysthymia, PTSD

LoneWolf

Hello Good People,
I am 78 and a hyper-sensitive male struggling with dysthymia and PTSD for the last 68 years.
(A victim of a very immature narcissistyic father!)
I tend to pick up on every subtle nuance in my surroundings.
I play the game of life, get hurt then socially isolate for several months.
Fortunately I am blessed with musical and artictic talents which appears to soothe the savage beast.
What I would like to know from other sufferers: Is it normal to run and hid for for such a long time
or should I be seeking help? I am already on prescription medication!
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

indigo22

Hi LoneWolf,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am sorry you have ended up with PTSD as a result of your experiences.

As it turns out, you are not such a lone wolf. I have also been dealing with dysthymia (along with major depression) for the majority of my life (now in my 60s). I am also a highly sensitive person and have a narcissist sister so I get what you are referring to. I too am on meds and have music and creativity in common with you.

I lost my creative spark a few years ago after a very difficult period of my life and have been trying to get it back ever since. I had spoken with a social worker for many years and that helped me a lot in understanding my reactions and realising I needed to set boundaries. I thought I was doing okay but I also shut down when things become overwhelming for me. I am not anti-social but I have been isolating myself for many years, so yes, this is normal for some of us.

I have been doing a lot of reading on mental health the past year or more and have realised that I have not actually healed from the past, just found ways to live with it to survive. I started seeing a therapist about 12 months ago who does somatic work and now realise that much of the emotional energy from the past is trapped in the body, this is why I haven't healed despite my efforts. The somatic work is designed to release the trapped energy so the body can heal itself and return to a more regulated state. I have also had a 'light bulb' moment recently that the reason my creative spark is lost to me is because that part of the brain is not accessible when the nervous system is on high alert. In order to access that part of me again, I need to first work on finding ways to return my nervous system to a regulated state.

The reason I am talking about all of this is that I think you could also benefit from somatic work. There are different types so if one does not work for you, another probably will. The main ones are EFT (tapping), EMDR and Somatic Experiencing. My therapist uses EFT, there is another member here that I converse with a lot who is finding Somatic Experiencing most helpful. Can I suggest looking into this, most therapist that use these different techniques are known as either 'soul based therapist' or 'soul centered therapist' and there are a rising number of them these days. They are also a good choice as a highly sensitive person. If you would like any recommendations for books that go into this in further, I would be happy to help with that.

I hope this is of some help and I am happy to continue this conversation if you are comfortable doing so.

Take care,

indigo

Eagle Ray

Hi LoneWolf and wave to indigo,

I think it is quite common to self-isolate when there is a history of immature, narcissistic behaviour from a parent. I had similar dynamics with my parents, my dad becoming a better parent to me in my early 20s but my mum stuck in the same patterns till the end of her life.

I have done a huge amount of isolating combined with being absorbed in creative activities too. I used to play and write songs a lot which was a very healing thing for me. Then it became photography I got really into. These things have been wonderfully healing but I still struggle with loneliness and isolation which I’m trying to work my way out of, and I can feel that beginning to shift.

I have worked with a good psychologist for the last two and a half years. If you can find someone who is a good fit for you it can be really beneficial. Just having someone witness your experiences and be compassionately present with you can be profoundly healing in itself. It can be the beginning of changing lifelong patterns.

I have done the Somatic Experiencing approach with my therapist mentioned by indigo. My therapist has a compassion-focused approach which has helped me to feel safe and heard. I think when there’s a history of narcissistic abuse, being heard and safe is what we missed out on, but it’s never too late to experience these things. There’s a lovely quote by Peter Levine:

It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.

Only 2 years ago I was still running and hiding intensely, even getting in my car and going on road trips to remote locations on my own. I found solace in nature and remoteness. But now I am so much wanting to connect with people and the isolation drive is greatly diminishing. I still love my own space and time in nature, but I’ve realised how much I want and need human connection as well. I don’t think it’s ever too late to begin to be able to feel more safely connected to people and the world. If you feel your isolating tendencies are impairing the connections you’d like to have, working with a good counsellor or therapist could be a way of building more capacity for a sense of safety and connection both within yourself and with others.

Best wishes,

Eagle Ray

LoneWolf

Hello Indigo,
Thank you for taking the time to reply with so much creative empathy, much appreciated!
I have tried many psychologist to no avail, however once I got to the core of my personality
through Myer Briggs, numerology and a Book by Elaine Aron "The Highly Sensitive Person"
I now have a better understanding of why my inner child goes into sudden damage control!
Whilst I accept my need for solitude, I hear the voice of my father telling me not to be
a whip and a little girl.

I have tried EFT but it didn't sit well with me for some reason!
Presently I am using EMDR whilst listening to a Ho'oponopono prayer I customized for myself
which gives me some mental respite.

While checking out "somatic Experience Therapy", I chanced upon a youtube video conducted
by Dr. Berceli and found it quite fascinating. Is that what you were talking about?
Very true indeed! Out body does trap a lot of negative emotional energy which raises it's
ugly head by way of pain.

Thanks once again Indigo, you have certainly given me food for thought! 😊

indigo22

Hi LoneWolf,

I can't believe we have so much in common, I also learned about Numerology many years ago with a book by David A Phillips and also have books by Elaine Aron. As it turns out, I am a 22/4 which explained a lot.

I know that voice that is the echo of those who let us know we were less than perfect as we were growing up. These days when I hear one of those voices nagging me, I tell it to shut the **** up and leave me alone. Surprisingly, it works 😅

The member I was talking about who has the Somatic Experiencing therapy is Eagle Ray who has also responded to you. I am unfamiliar with Dr Berceli (Eagle Ray may know) but the Somatic Experiencing therapy is the work of Peter A Levine who has many books and videos on YouTube if you want to look into it further.

A book that I have recently finished is "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk, which goes into the physical effects of emotions and trauma in the body, just in case that interests you. Also books by Gabor Mate may interest you, one that is on my reading list, "The Myth of Normal", is one I am looking forward to reading.

Please feel free to keep in contact, I will get a notification if you reply to this thread and happy to talk anytime.

Take good care of yourself,

indigo

Eagle Ray

Hello LoneWolf and indigo,

I’m familiar with Dr Berceli and his TRE method and I have a book edited by him called Shake it Off Naturally. It is different to Somatic Experiencing but both are healing trauma by starting from the nervous system. I did several sessions with a TRE practitioner in 2021. I found it really good and it took the level of traumatisation in my body, which was very high at the time, right down to almost non-existent. So it was very effective. The only thing I found was the activation in my body creeped back over time even when I tried continuing the exercises at home. From mid-2022 I started seeing my current psych and from the second session we used Somatic Experiencing on the same trauma issues. It was transformative at a different and more sustaining level for me. I’d had severe episodes of being unable to breathe over the previous year which was a trapped trauma response and that began to release and is fully healed now. For me the SE is a bit more complete/multidimensional in how it works, but that’s just my personal experience. If you are interested in exploring it, Waking the Tiger, In An Unspoken Voice and Trauma & Memory are some of Peter Levine’s books.

Doing EMDR with the prayer sounds really interesting. Were you using the EMDR on yourself without a practitioner? A friend of mine was trying that. I had an adverse reaction to EFT but I think it was partly the first person I did it with which wasn’t a good experience, so later when I did it with my psych I had a visceral reaction against it. I think it might also be tied to my specific complex trauma issues. It’s like repeating mantras about myself was deeply unsettling and discomforting. I might get to a point it isn’t though.

It’s lovely to hear of your creative explorations in healing LoneWolf.

Take care,

ER

LoneWolf

Hello Indigo and Eagle Ray,
I have to say that I was deeply moved by the time both of you have taken to provide me with so much
useful information. Thank you so very much!
Next week I have an appointment to see a specialist to guide me through Tension & Trauma Releasing Exercises.
Also, thank you for the impressive list of reading material which I will certainly be looking into.

Last week at a men's shed workshop someone with a loud voice yelled at me and I just froze like a little boy.
I was just stunned by the amount of unnecessary verbal aggression used for a trivial issue!
As a result of this I have had a lot of tension in my neck for the next few days!
I guess everyone has some hidden emotional agenda processed in different ways.

When all my synapses are awake and firing well I work on a painting or learn a new song.
I also sing once a month at a local acoustic music club during their open mike evenings,
frequented by a lot of very friendly people. It does me a lot of good!

I remember seeing "The body keeps score" a few years ago but never got around to buying it, also
"Waking the Tiger" sounds like it would be a good read.

Eagle Ray, personally I don't feel self isolating to be an issue as long as you are not beating yourself up in the process. We are all we have, so enjoy the time to be with ourselves! Most times I feel socialising just gets too hard.
It's been 4 months since I removed myself from my snooker group because of what someone said to me.
I'm not happy with myself for being soo sensitive, but that's me! I'm caring and empathetic!
"It's never too late to have a happy childhood"...I like that!
I am also considering photography to use for my still life paintings and perhaps find some remote location in search of inspiration.
My family gradually disowned me after I had a mental breakdown in my early twenties, which hurt my badly for 30 years.
I have now come to accept the situation with the reasoning that they too had some emotional agenda to deal with.

Twenty years ago when I lived in Melbourne I went to see a lady to buy some Australian Bush Essence; during our session the lady moved her hand in the shape of an infinity symbol, commonly known as the lazy eight. I kept my head still but followed with my eyes. During this process I felt my emotions stirring followed by tears streaming down my cheeks. I didn't realise it was EMDR
I now use the infinity EMDR from youtube along with listening to a Ho'oponopono prayer that I recorded for myself.

Divine Creator, Father, Mother, Son, all in One. If I, my family, my relatives and ancestors have offended your family relatives and ancestors in thoughts, words, facts and actions from the beginning of our creation to the present moment, we humbly ask for your forgiveness. Thank you, I am truly grateful.
Let this request cleanse, purify, release all our indiscretions and cut off all memories, blockages, negative energies and vibrations from here on.
Transmute these unwanted energies into pure loving light and so it is.
Clear my subconscious of all the emotional charge stored in it.
I say one and another time during my day the healing words of Ho-oponopono.
I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you, I am grateful.

Thank you once again Indigo & Eagle Ray take care.

Eagle Ray

Dear LoneWolf and wave to indigo,

That was such a moving post, including the Ho’oponopono prayer. Thank you so much for sharing it 🙏 Another book that may be of interest to you if you are interested in spiritual healing is The Fellowship of the River by Dr Joseph Tafur. I got a lot out of it, especially in relation to how health issues I’ve had are linked to trauma issues and the role of emotional healing in addressing health in a complete sense - mind/body/spirit. Joe Tafur is a medical doctor who also trained as a shaman in the Shipibo tradition in Peru and co-founded a healing centre there.

I understand very much about the experience of being yelled at. Both of my parents were serious yellers and my dad a hitter as well, so I have strong visceral reactions to any kind of aggression, even if it’s not being directed at me but I’m witnessing it. I can get activated for a long time after too. One thing the TRE practitioner picked up in me that I was totally unaware of was a flinch reflex to the right. I think this links to a couple of abusive incidents where that was the direction I went and my body was still doing it unconsciously. He understood as he has a flinch reflex to the left based on his childhood trauma. I have found somatic work incredibly empowering and where real transformative change can take place. It’s wonderful you are exploring these options and I hope you can find some real benefit from the TRE sessions.

I enjoyed hearing about your open mike evenings. From 2008-2010 I was attending open mikes and writing songs avidly from 2007. It was an incredible tool for emotional processing. I’m so glad you have that outlet and it’s so meaningful to get together with others like that. Really good for the soul. I know indigo is a singer and it would be wonderful if we all knew each other in real life and could get together and play music.

For me I was ok self-isolating for a period of time but I have been experiencing loneliness lately which is just the stage I’m at. But I do think when there’s a creative outlet it really helps. When I’m out doing photography and editing the images afterwards I’m totally absorbed and during those times the loneliness goes away. I’m in my element. Your still life paintings sound wonderful as does finding remote locations for inspiration. A couple of years ago I drove off into some remote locations here in WA and discovered some amazing rocky outcrops with strong spiritual energy. I always try to come to these places with respect. It’s like you can feel the ancestor spirits.

It’s wonderful and inspiring to hear about your creativity and your connectedness to that which is healing. It feels like you are following your heart and spirit.

Take care and may you find peace 🙏 Feel free to let us know how you go with the TRE or anything else if you want someone to share it with.

Best wishes,

ER

LoneWolf

Hello Indigo,

I'm not sure if you are able to see it but I replied to you and ER but didn't know how to post it so I sent it via Eagle Ray's post box. If you are not able to, I will write to thank you again!

LoneWolf

indigo22

Hi LoneWolf, (👋 Eagle Ray)

I'm sorry, I did see your post, it doesn't matter which post you reply to in this thread, we I will still get a notification. This week has been a bit full on for me and haven't had a chance to get back to you (or you ER).

I have a hard time with fatigue at times and have used up all my resources this week.

Eagle Ray and I have been conversing for about 18 months on the forums and I think we have both found a kindred spirit in you. I mentioned to ER that we all have so much in common, we could be siblings 😅

I am looking forward to hearing how your appointment goes next week, I hope you are able to benefit from the exercises. Although I don't deal with PTSD or CPTSD, I do have a couple of triggers, one being loud and obnoxious people. My family was quite dysfunctional and there were loud arguments pretty much every day (mostly over petty issues). As we all know our sensitivity makes us very uncomfortable in that type of environment so I understand your reaction to the person in the men's shed to some degree.

I am glad to hear you participate in the open mic nights and you find it a good experience. There was one here recently that I contemplated going to, but chickened out. I agree with ER, it would be great if we were able to get together and just be musically creative. One thing I would like to get back into is drawing when I find my creative spark again, I did a small amount a few years ago that weren't too bad for a beginner. I hope you find the inspiration you are looking for with the still life work.

It's a pity that most people don't think before opening their mouth, what may seem like nothing to them, can be a big blow to someone who is sensitive. I am also really sorry to hear that you were disowned by your family at such a young age, the one's that are meant to love us the most, are also the one's who hurt us the most it seems. I remember being so insulted by something my mother once said to me when I was in my 20s, that I stopped all contact with her for 6 months. I used to think it was just me, but families are really hard to deal with at times and I now realise there are far more unhappy families than happy ones unfortunately.

On a positive side, I love hearing those stories of synchronicity where you go somewhere for one thing and find a whole new experience you had not expected at the same time. It sounds like you find the EMDR and Prayer a good fit for you on your healing path.

If you do end up reading any of the books we have suggested, we will be happy to hear your thoughts.

I need to go and make dinner while I still have enough energy to do it. Promise to get back to you soon ER on the other thread.

Wishing you both and calm and relaxing weekend,

Hugs,

indigo