Down hill

[Bethie]

Hi

I recently started volunteering at my local community centre mainly helping on reception. All the staff commented on how well i was doing and it felt great knowing i was helping people as well. I do that on Tuesdays and this week they asked if i could help in the food bank today. I did and it was one of the worst experiences I've had in years. I was told of for using basic english talking to people by another volunteer who has been on that area for months. Alot of people who use the service have very little english due to only recently comming from refugee camps. The way some of these people where spoken to should be illegal. They where not there for free handouts, just to get heavily discounted groceries for their families.

The experience has really sent me into a down hill spiral. For the first time in close to a year it felt like positive things where starting to happen both in my life and around me but now i just want to close the door and go back to my normal safe working life and not try to be happy.

[white knight]

Hi Bethie

What you describe is very common to me. Gradually over the years after being regularly hurt and hurt again and again by people I've got myself into the best position I can possibly be in. My fortress of survival is now made of cement.

Occasionally I get caught unawares in that someone will get great delight in surprising me with their intrusive nastiness. But I'm honing my skills to combat these rude people. It happened the other day. Went into a tyre market and wanted two tyres put on. An older guy asked me to inspect the tyres now that the car was on the hoist. As I was talking to this nice fellow, the younger guy yelled out behind me "its for your own safety, if the cops pick you up you're a gonna". I left there quite angry. He had no right to interrupt and force his opinion.

As for your "incident" you have learned now the value of being reserved and sticking to what you know and whats in your comfort zone. For many years having 90 jobs in my working life I always had the problematic employee that liked standing over me. I know the only remedy with them is equal force. It is not in our sensitive depressed nature but we have to react in a way that puts these people in their place. comments can be rehersed like

"I didn't know you were a manager here also"

"It has a lot to do with me, a little to do with my boss and not much to do with you"

'I'm sorry, what was your rank again"?

And so on. Very sarcastic yes, but the kind approach wont work I'm afraid. There has been times when the "dominator" has approached me later to apologize.

This "thick skin" is hard to master but it will save you much anguish in learning to automatically respond. Equal force- a Newtons law about objects is very apt.

Tony WK

[quirkywords]

Bethie

I am so sorry you have had this experience. From all your posts I can see you are a compassionate and sensitive person who has the biggest heart. It is because you are so kind that you feel so much.

It is awful that people seeking help are treated in such an intolerant way.

Please don't let this one experience get you down . Is there someone in charge you can talk to about what you saw. ?

I think it is an understandable reaction for you to want to close the door but you have come so far and you are helping so many people here on the forum by your thoughtful posts and your considerate words.

When I was a student I volunteered at a hostel for young people with an intellectual disability.Every week the residents were taken swimming and after the staff bought ice creams for themselves but not for the residents. This used to upset me and eventually I stopped volunteering. It seemed so unfair. I told a friend and she said 'why do worry about that it is not important".

I decided to tell the manager of the hostel how I felt and they did change the practice.

I know that is different but when you are sensitive you do feel things more and get upset. I suppose the idea is to have a balance so you can feel things but without letting them affect your mental health.

You are resilient and will get up again and open the door and try again.

Be gentle with yourself

Quirky

[Bethie]

Thank you both

Im a fighter but after today its shown me what Tony means about comfort zones.

I can and do put the face on to make people feel welcome and heard even on my bad days.

Tuesday when the big boss is in I'll try and find the strength to talk to her. Its not exactly a small centre and it is run by Belong.

The people deserve better treatment from the few who are so nasty. Many are scared to say anything to anyone in authority after comming from camps in Syria and African countries.

They may not speakup but i will speakup for them.

Like i tell my son " NOBODY HAS THE RIGHT TO MAKE YOU FEEL LESS THAN"

Now if only i can convince myself of that and put it into practice.

[Bethie]

Sorry guys. I think i pushed Grady way to far trying to help her see that she needs to look internally for answers.

This will be the last this site will see of me. I only know how to make people confront their fears. Maybe it's the alcohlic in me that calls things bluntly but whatever I'm sorry

[Ggrand]

Hello Bettie,

You didn't push me to far, I just answered your question as honestly as I could. Please as I said before I didn't take offence to your question. If everyone left because they asked a question, and everyone left because they answered it, there would be no one left on BB, You see if you leave because you asked me a question, I would have to leave as well, guilt would crush me in the end.. I need support I can't afford to leave here or I'll be right back where I was before. I will be back to nothing to do all day except stay in bed. I don't want that and I don't think you want that either So please for me, and you put it behind you and come say hello to me. Please.❤️🦋

kindness only

Grandy.

[Sophie_M]

Hi everyone,

If you find that you are often distressed on the forums when trying to support others, then it's a good idea to review your self-care.  Please see our thread on this:

Worried about other users: how are we all doing?

Misinterpreting someone's words on the forums, coupled with low moods, can be a toxic mix as well.  Please read Dr Kim's advice thread on how to manage your feelings when conversations on the forums don't turn out how you'd like them to:

Taking things the wrong way (on the forums and in life)