Don't even know

[Lotus_85]

So... being having issues with my partner, I tend to complain about my stuff to work friends. I'm sure I blow it all out of proportion from my own screwed up way of seeing things. They r great, supportive,etc. But I no longer want them to be. I don't want them or anyone else to care about me, or pretend to. I gave my partner no compassion, no positive anything. Been on ssri on and off for nearly 15 yrs. It's blunting, I don't have compassion to give him. A few months back switched to anri to try and make him happy, less blunting, but only on the negative stuff really. Don't get me wrong, when I'm at work I have a good time with the girls and enjoy them. But I go home and it's gone. My kids must hate me. I just sit in my room and remove myself from life and watch others on TV instead.

In the last wk, I stopped my snri coz we were still fighting about me being heartless who doesn't care about him. So wats the point if taking pills if I'm still like that. In this last wk, I broke up with him, we told the kids, then I cried and crawled back... all in a day. I blew up my life, destroyed my kids... for nothing. Since, I'm ok with my partner, that ain't bothering me... but I am just... throwing myself into music to try and numb something. I am sad and angry and irritable and want ppl to stay away from me. I wake up ok, but as soon as someone, usually my kids talk to me, that's it. I'm all in my head. I lose my stuff or my obvious misery destroy everyone else's mood. Then I hate myself for it, alopologise over and over for everything I say outa place. And today I'm just angry. Punched the work Keyboard and scared my co-worker. Great work. I just want to be gone and have everything silent. But the silence is so deafening. (Would never hurt myself, just hope that the universe will do it for me).

Then I'm numb, no feeling, no emotion, until something happens I don't think and I lose it again. Don't even know y I'm writing this really. Just forget it. I just need to get over my cop-out and stop making excuses for bad behaviour

[Lotus_85]

I am hoping the new meds do something helpful soon, and I am going to do an online module thing through mindspot. I spoke with someone from today, but just explained some symptoms and got recommended the module. I think my biggest qs r y I anger, y I dislike me, y I don't wanna hang out with my ppl. Is it coz of past stuff, or am I just in my head about everything expecting a shoe to drop that isn't there. Y do I go into a dark hole of uselessness because I didn't reverse into the garage straight (dramatic right). Y doesn't everyone seem so much more normal, they like their life (mostly, I get nothing is perfect for anyone). But they do things, they want to do things. In theory I would like to want to do things, but I don't actually want to. A friend at work is getting married on the wkend and everyone is goin to the ceremony, not me. I couldn't think of anything worse.

I am articulating my thoughts better this morning than in previous posts (mostly whinging and ranting). Last night was good, but it's not a state of mind I can retain when working, needing to drive,etc iykwim. Was a beautiful break from my regularly thought process .. feeling... human. Moreso than I have in a long time. It would be nice to have a magic pill or button to replicate that. If only. It was a weird, but welcomed feeling of somewhat normality. Not in my head, not actively avoiding my fam, still just chilled and watched TV mostly, but felt better for the night. Managed to clean the kitchen while cooking dinner, which I usually just cook and dodge the mess, or lose it at the kids that they left it all there. Not sure wat I want  or anything but I just want to feel like I can enjoy life, which is mostly a foreign concept, and I'm not even sure if that is a possibility, or an unrealistic expectation. Is every one else faking it?

Ppl ask wat I did on the wkend and wen I say laid in bed and watched TV. They r like, I wish I had the time, life is so busy.... wat r they doing? Like I don't understand how they can have stuff on and be loaded with activities all wkend doing things. I can't fathom it. 

Yet, when my older 2 were little, they had footy and sleepovers and all that so I vaguely remember. And we would go to the park or have ice cream and a play a maccas or something. I know their older but my youngest has gotten the cr@p end of the mum stick.

[Croix]

Dear Mazzania~

I think you have answered your own question " Is every one else faking it?". You have had a brief time when things seemed good so you know not all the world is dark. Sure other fake it at times, but not all the time, and for most only a little bit.

With luck those better times will come more often, maybe the meds are kicking in.

I'm not sure your youngest has the cr@p end of the mum stick, as I said it takes two parents and from what  you say your partner is not helping. Now that all by itself puts an unreasonable load on you. So you feel empty, useless and angry? I wonder why? If you have to take meds to get along maybe it is not all down to you

If you do not have someone that cherishes you why would you want to be compassionate and have sex?

What does he mean by 'compassionate' anyway?

Maybe just existing in hte relationship uses you all up. Do you think that's a reasonable way to look at it?

I would think anyone that cares is going to look for why you are not ok. They are not going to argue and accuse, but try to make things better.

You had some good advice, those Mindspot Clinic courses are pretty good, some of them even have a live counselor check in on you every now and again - all for free. I used the PTSD one a while back while waiting for some treatment, I think it helped.

What was I waiting for? A psychiatrist who has certainly helped -a lot.

Life can be enjoyable, I've found that (to my surprise) so no, it's not an unrealistic expectation for you.

Do I seem to be making sense or off the track?

Croix

[Lotus_85]

U make perfect sense to me criox. And I think u r on the money in regards to being 'used up by existing in my relationship' at times. But it's maybe 18yrs, old dog, new tricks and all. I get this is my life and I need to find a way to enjoy it. And I hope mindspot helps, and I hope these meds work. Time will tell, which is beyond frustrating... time. Where is my magic button to perfection... wouldn't that be nice. I think I need to plan a family dinner out or something. To have something to look forward to out of the norm. I was ok this morning, a few hrs in I was getting over It all, but that's better than waking up over it... baby steps I guess.

[Croix]

Dear Mazzania~

If you find the magic button to perfection please let me know too:)

Actually I think you were on the right track saying "have something to look forward to".  This is something I've found does make a difference. I try to plan each day so towards the end there is something I enjoy or distracts me. It can sometimes be hard to identify these things but it is possible, particularly when you are in an up mood and you can recall better.

They do not have to be anything great -a chapter of a favorite book  - some specific music -walking down to a cafe - a fav movie - talking to an amusing acquaintance -and a whole ton more.  You can find some things that appeal to you.

It seems to do two things long term, first there is something to look forward to every day and secondly it is a reward, and if one is rewarded enough one starts to feel worthy of reward.

Sometimes it is hard to settle down and start to enjoy, then I use Smiling Mind (which is free but takes a little practice -don't be put off it is worth it) to feel in a calm and receptive mood. You'll be pleased to know it has exercises for every person, even me who has to be nagged to concentrate every minute 😞

Then in a calmer mood you can read, enjoy etc.

If you would like to say how you go that would be pretty good

Croix

[Lotus_85]

And I'm back down again... more of a vent here... yesterday I was down, hubby asked if I was upset, I said no, he asked  y I looked so miserable, I said coz I am I just don't have a reason, he asked if he did anything wrong I said no... 1 min of silence and he says 'so I guess my chances for anything tonight r off the table?'.

Wtf, is it just me or is that messed up. I clearly just wanted to be left alone but it become all about what he wants and how he was hard done by. But I didn't rear up, I didn't fight, I told him he could do whatever he wanted. And later, my teen asked for take out and I asked who's paying coz I'm broke. He went and hit up his dad who said he would go halves. So then I didn't have a choice but to spend my bills money on Take out for these selfish ****. It has become clear, which I already knew but tried to break it in the past to no avail... my role is to serve. To make my family happy, give them wat they want. It was selfish of me to even think about saying no to any of them, just like wen I tried to break it off with hubby. I am just a selfish piece of.... he made it clear that day, and I never should've thought I had any right.  I got so dark in my head last night, and it's rolling outa my face thus morning. I feel useless, I feel like I am owned (even tho I'm not), I feel... wats the point. I don't need meds, I don't need thus cr@p, I just need to suck it up and endure my life that I made for myself... no wonder ppl end it. How can a life that should b fine, feel so entrapping

[Lotus_85]

I don't even really know y I hate it all. Do I hate myself? Do I hate my partner? Do I hate that my kids r growing? Do I hate that I'm only ever called upon to fix something in their lives or do something for them? Do I hate the fact that my downtime consists of curling up in bed and watching TV, only getting up to pee and feed people or do their washing. Then back in to bed. I don't even know y I am writing here. I vent, I carry on, but it won't change anything. I just need to find a way to make peace with life and what it is. Never mind me. Scroll on. Sorry 

[therising]

Hi Mazzania

It's so hard, it really is, when you know you're living with good people but you just don't feel them as good people at times. Then it can become a matter of 'What's wrong with me? Why am I so horrible? Why am I so difficult? Why can't I get along with these people (my kids and husband)?'. Then it can swing to some raging internal dialogue that can sound like 'I resent you all. I'm good for nothing other than serving you all in ways that suit you, even if they don't suit me'. Not sure if you can relate but then it can swing to feeling sorry or sorrow for yourself to the point of tears and incredibly deep sadness. Thing is, we're allowed to feel sorrow for our self, it's okay. The sadness is there for a reason, even if we can't quite put our finger on what's causing it.

Now, I want to say I'm no angel when it comes to being my kids' and husband's housemate. Yes, I can be a challenge to live with at times but I like to think I'm a clear communicator and that's partly where the problem lies. Wondering whether you find this is the case at times...You can communicate quite clearly 'I'm stressed about money' or 'I feel incredibly down' or 'I feel so lost' or 'I really need you all to keep the bathroom clean etc'. 

What you can get in return on occasion is 'We can afford that', what the? 'You'll be fine', what the? 'Everyone goes through that (feeling lost)', what the? And the bathroom continues to act like a serious trigger to rage, based on the mess. Did no one hear my clear communication? Did no one hear what I feel? Did no one hear my stress, my need to not be dismissed, my desperation to find direction and my longing to be able to walk into a room and not feel a triggering level of disappointment?

Wondering whether you fight to be heard, like yell out what you need people to hear and feel. They might hear it and feel it to some degree for a while before everything goes back to the way it was. Feeling yourself cycle through other people's levels of consciousness or lack of it can be a massive challenge at times. Btw, that 'Have I done anything wrong?' etc, from my husband, sounds so unbelievably familiar.

[Lotus_85]

Everytime I think, I should focus on me and figure my stuff out, I have that 2nd voice telling me y bother, hubby will just make it about him, make u feel guilty and selfish for not focusing on him (he already says I neglect him and makes me feel like the worst person in the world, like any effort I do force myself to make is not even an effort at all. I just need to give a s, and try. That's all I need to do). Like I would be so messed up if it was that easy. I can't even tell him that coz he think depression is a cop out. He thinks me going off the rails when I went through AD withdrawl is a cop-out. Side effects of meds r a cop out. I just need to make an effort and everything will be fine. Life will be perfect if I chase him to spend time with him, dote over him, jump him every night with complete enthusiasm... I say yes and I am there and let him do his thing. That's the energy I have to give. As for the rest, wen I have no desire, no want for or need for anything, but if I 'just do it'... enthusiastically, then it will be fine. Ffs... I can't even look at helping myself with that around me. Any time I think I should self improve, we have the neglect argument and I'm back in the I'm so useless hole again, wats the point. Damned if I try, damned if I don't. So y bother

[therising]

Hi Mazzania

Completely relatable. For years I questioned myself and accused myself of not being the best partner, that was until the day I woke up to a lot of things I'd never noticed before. I think the 'waking up' came with a significant change of inner dialogue. Btw, most people I know accept the fact I'm one of those woo woo people. Yes, I meditate on inspiration and a see what comes to mind. Not easy, especially when the vibe is so low all you can hear is the dark inner dialogue...

Not sure if I've mentioned the inspiration that came to mind one day during one of my 'I'm completely lost and I don't what to do, please help me!' meditations. What came to me was not what I expected, 'Do nothing, simply take a step back and observe'. Hard to do when you're so used to doing everything you can to make another happy while trying your best not to rock the boat. So, I did little other than observe and noticed things that really surprised me. Stuff like...my husband would typically come looking for me when he was bored. He'd express how uncomfortable it was that I wasn't always in a happy or easy going mood. He'd be happy discussing convenient things but nothing inconvenient. The list goes on. The wake up call sounded like 'You see, as long as you are pleasing/pleasant everything is fine'. Then I looked back over a couple of decades or so and the revelation was - Oh my god, it's always been this way, even from the beginning. How could I have missed it?

Don't get me wrong, he's genuinely a really good guy but a questionable partner in a number of ways. The biggest wake call of all was 'He is sometimes the reason you are depressed and you sensing what's depressing is not your fault, it relates to your ability'.