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Don't even know

Lotus_85
Community Member

So... being having issues with my partner, I tend to complain about my stuff to work friends. I'm sure I blow it all out of proportion from my own screwed up way of seeing things. They r great, supportive,etc. But I no longer want them to be. I don't want them or anyone else to care about me, or pretend to. I gave my partner no compassion, no positive anything. Been on ssri on and off for nearly 15 yrs. It's blunting, I don't have compassion to give him. A few months back switched to anri to try and make him happy, less blunting, but only on the negative stuff really. Don't get me wrong, when I'm at work I have a good time with the girls and enjoy them. But I go home and it's gone. My kids must hate me. I just sit in my room and remove myself from life and watch others on TV instead.

In the last wk, I stopped my snri coz we were still fighting about me being heartless who doesn't care about him. So wats the point if taking pills if I'm still like that. In this last wk, I broke up with him, we told the kids, then I cried and crawled back... all in a day. I blew up my life, destroyed my kids... for nothing. Since, I'm ok with my partner, that ain't bothering me... but I am just... throwing myself into music to try and numb something. I am sad and angry and irritable and want ppl to stay away from me. I wake up ok, but as soon as someone, usually my kids talk to me, that's it. I'm all in my head. I lose my stuff or my obvious misery destroy everyone else's mood. Then I hate myself for it, alopologise over and over for everything I say outa place. And today I'm just angry. Punched the work Keyboard and scared my co-worker. Great work. I just want to be gone and have everything silent. But the silence is so deafening. (Would never hurt myself, just hope that the universe will do it for me).

Then I'm numb, no feeling, no emotion, until something happens I don't think and I lose it again. Don't even know y I'm writing this really. Just forget it. I just need to get over my cop-out and stop making excuses for bad behaviour

28 Replies 28

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Mazzinia~

Welcome here to the Forum, even if you don't know why you are  writing here your instincts are good, here you can look around and see others who have had similar porblems and how they coped.

 

For me when my depression has been in full swing my mind becomes completely occupied by the thoughts depression generates and leaves me wiht no capacity to deal with other people, particularly if I think the interactions are important and I should be able to do more. I, like oyu, was overwhemed by family though  managed somewhat better at work.

 

This is very upsetting, frustrating, frightening and can lead to anger and self blame -as it did with me. I've been extremely hard to live wiht, on some occasions resentful, others angry, and mostly just wanting to be left alone.

 

My partner was basically at a loss until my psych explained my actions were well known symptoms. I'd not even be consistent - better one itme, furious the next.

 

You have talked about 2 sorts of meds and neither has been right. As a result your have all your symptoms from withdrawal to anguish and tears much greater than htey should be. I can relate.

 

I would like ot suggest that you go back to your medical team and explaining their treatments are not effective and other meds or therapies have to be considered. It took me a very long time to find the  combination of meds that worked wihtout onerous side effects. It took a fair amout of determination and 'reasoning' wiht my medical team.

 

It has worked out, I"m now loved and loving, reliable and happy wiht myself, and take satisfaction from my efforts. I was a complete mess and I suspect if I can radically improve many others can too.

 

You are welcome here anytime

 

Croix

 

 

Lotus_85
Community Member

I'm just so angry. There is no reason for it, just angry. Smashed a coffee mug this morning and punched and slammed my car door like a crazy person, coz my kid spoke to me. He spoke to me, and now he... I don't know. I do have a dr appt. Although I have amade and cancelled that 3 times in the last wk. I'm drinking a lot, smoking a lot. I was ok when I woke up until he spoke to me. How messed up is that, my kids can't even look at me without fear I'll lose it and start smashing stuff. My partner is moping around me, probably scared to say the wrong thing. I am destroy them all, just by being.

Last wkend me and hubby were fighting, before I blew everything up, and I got wasted and through everything on the table. Stuff I felt and why I thought I might be this way... including bringing up and using our past as an excuse ( 15yrs ago he was good, drugs, lies, theft, the lot) but that was 15 yrs ago and he has come a long way and I know that and appreciate that, but I just brought it all up. Was it to hurt him, to make excuses for who I am? I don't know. But it sure as hell wasn't helpful. Just destroyed him some more. It's all I seem to do, which is which I tried to leave him. He deserves someone to love him. And while I do, not the way I should. The main thing brought from that night was that I am a cop out and need to get over myself and everything from the past and make an effort and it will be fine. I was trying for a while there, but still not good enough. I am never good enough. For anyone, at anything.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Mazzania~

You do need to cut yourself some slack. At the moment you are talking about the obvious and unpleasant things, getting angry, smashing a cup, saying hurtful things ot your hubby and all. It's taking all your attention.

 

While I can see these I do see more, about the real you. You have hte perception to know you are not really in control of control anger, that the reasons for it are not the obvious ones, so must come from somewhere else. You want the best for hubby and kids and feel bad you do not think you are providing that.

 

You were skillful and loving enough to negotiate a path together after your hubby misbehaved in the past.

 

You try.

 

All this does not sound to me like a person who is 'not good enough'. It sounds like a person who is in a place that they do need assistance, and cancelling that doctor's appointment was probably not the best of ideas.

 

Even if you only ask what are the steps towards anger management htat could be a start. The reasons why can be examined when you are comfortable to do so.

 

Anger and drink are not things in themselves, that most often are responses and ways of coping. You can  find better ways wiht help. My anger went right down as my treatment progressed.

 

Please do come here as often as you like, you will be welcome.

 

Croix

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Mazzania

 

It sounds like you have so much going on and it's completely understandable as to why it all feels so overwhelming. I feel for you so deeply as you're faced with so much torturous questioning at this point on your path.

 

Depression's definitely a tough one, to say the least. It's so multifaceted. From my own experience, I'd have to say it has mental, physical and even soulful/soul destroying elements to it. The inner dialogue, the chemistry and the heartbreak or heartache that comes with it can make it overwhelming on many levels. I can relate to trying to shift my chemistry and emotions through alcohol, having drank my way through long term depression, from late teens to 35, to some degree. From then 'til now, at 52, have managed periods of depression as a non drinker. Two very different experiences. While the rawness of emotions that comes with depression and not drinking can be harder to manage at times, there's not that self resentment when it comes to having said and done things through drinking. Having lived on both sides of the fence, I can relate to those feelings of self resentment and deep regret. They can be hard to live with on top of depression.

 

Might sound like a strange question but do you feel like everyone's waiting for you to be 'in a better mood'? Do you feel like everyone's waiting for you to be happier and less angry? Myself, I'm a gal who much prefers people rip the guts out of a depressing period I'm going through, laying it all on the table to be poked and prodded, questioned and explored. Kinda like 'Let's explore every aspect of this beast in order to understand how it came to be'. People simply waiting and hoping is of no service to someone who is so deeply depressed. Having been married for almost 21 years, it's only in the last year I've come to realise my husband's more so a 'waiter'.

 

I can't help but wonder whether the stress and heartbreak from all those years ago, with your husband, was ever fully resolved or whether it was a matter of 'just getting on with life' once he changed. Do you feel all that stuff's still in there, unresolved? Nothing quite like alcohol to bring up unresolved issues.

Lotus_85
Community Member
Thx criox and the rising. I appreciate the words. I am feeling better this morning. Gunna do some housework and stuff while I'm feelin it. As for past stuff the rising, I think I'm past it, but I see little glimmers in things he says or does that throw me back to past shit sometimes, waiting for the shoe to drop so to speak, even though I know it won't. And yeh, ppl look at my pitifully and seem to be waiting for me to come good again. 2 of my work girls I have been with for 7 yrs, they have seen me go off meds a few times, and offer support and r great (even though it feels like pity, I know it's from a good place, ya know, and they dont think of it as that). And I appreciate u seeing my past efforts criox, I think ur the only person to ever have. Yeh I've been through a lot, or for the most part have come out the other side (even if it is mostly numbed to a lot of stuff). Then I do something stupid like go off meds. I would go fill a script today but then I just go back to 'heartless and uncompassionate' and that's the main reason I stopped them. Like, y bother taking them to try and make my family hate me less, if they still do, just for a diff reason. And I think writing this all out and seeing that I am not the only one that feels insane sometimes help a lil. 

I have always been the doormat, the person that begs for ppl not to leave me and takes whateva I need to for them yo stay, even as a kid. So when I think someone will hate me for something I have said or done, I'm scared I guess, of wat they think of me, that they never really liked me, it was all in my head and I should know better.... anyway, groceries to put away. Thx guys
 

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Mazzania~

I'm glad things seem a bit better today, and I'm sure you are worried it might not last. Just getting you  scrip filled is a good step, consulting to find a more beneficial med might be a better step (yes, I know, I'm nagging 🙄 However I'm simply passing on what has worked for me)

 

I'm not the only one to see your past efforts - you know them too, but sadly in your present state do not value them as they deserve. I would not be that surprised if your hubby did not recognize them too.

 

You have  work colleagues who have remained concerned friends for 7 years despite ups and downs. Nobody does that for somebody they do not value and like - so what does that say about you?

 

Depression gave me blinkers like on a draft horse. I could only see what depression supplied for me to see and it did not let me see anything else. So I was blind to my strengths and good qualities, and sadly also blind to hope and a view of a better life. From what I read that sounds a bit like you.

 

I seriously doubt your family hate you, frankly you may be difficult at times but are not someone to hate (I've met some who are). There is a deep well of love kids (and some hubbys) have that comes to the fore in hard times.

 

With oyur view of your it is quite a possibility that kids who behave like doormats do so for a reason, and it becomes a way of life. It does not have to be a life sentence. (I hope that makes sense). I have every faith in you, you deserve and can have a better life.

 

Croix

 

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Mazzania

 

Took me decades to realise how depressing being an intense people pleaser could be at times, that doormat factor. One day there was some part of me that finally came to life dictating 'This has got to stop!'. Up 'til then I'd found myself, for years, in some depressing repetitive cycle I wasn't fully conscious of. Like with a clock face the cycle would always go something like...

 

At 12: Life's good. I'm happy. Quarter past: I begin to feel challenged. The inner dialogue starts up, 'What's wrong with me? Why am I starting to feel so sad?' etc. Half past: Inner dialogue becomes depressing, 'You're not trying hard enough (to make people happy). You're a horrible person. You're hopeless and useless' etc. Quarter to: Cue anger and resentment, 'I try so hard to please people and nothing's good enough. They're a bunch of bleeping ungrateful bleeps. I don't care anymore. They can all go to hell!' The resentful dictator kicks in, dictating to everyone what they should be doing in the first place (cleaning up after themselves, being more thoughtful etc). 5 to 12: 'I know what the problem is. If I try to make this/that person happy in this or that way, they'll be happy. That's what the problem is, I haven't tried this before'. 12 o'clock: Here we are again, back in happiness, based on some truly inspirational revelation that leads me to be a more open minded person who tries harder to please people while feeling the joy of it all.

 

While the cycle's always led me to evolve in some way, with me becoming more conscious, more open minded etc, it's basically a depressing cycle. Only 15 minutes is joyful, largely based on pleasing others. The rest is about sadness, self chastisement, self hatred and anger/resentment.

 

One of my biggest revelations came recently on a yoga mat (private lessons with an amazing woman). At 52, it was the first time I'd tried yoga. In short, lying down with eyes closed, the meditation involved me gradually turning up the corners of my mouth into a smile. While being instructed to pull that smile deeply into myself, I suddenly burst into tears and cried for about 5 minutes. It felt like overwhelming grief and relief mixed together. I had no idea, 'til this moment, just how much I had missed giving happiness to myself.

That rings so true therising... I don't even know wat to write, or y... a wk and a half ago I got so over it all, I ended it with hubby, he told the kids I don't want him any more that was it, he told me how selfish I was for destroying him and ruining my kids. He told me he had nothing to live for if I ended it. I went for a drive, got all in my head, cried so much and freaked out everytime there was a car going in my direction. I wanted to be alone and it was like they were following me so I couldn't be. Which is irrational. A few hours past and I didn't know if I was doing the right thing (despite doing it numerous times over the yrs, with the same response from him) and folding. Saying I didn't mean, I will try harder, I will do better. I don't wanna blow up kids lives, I don't want to be broke and homeless. I don't want them to chose him and hate me for ruining their lives. So here I am, back in my cycle. And I HATE it here. I can't leave, I can't. There abundantly clear, this is my life and I just need to keep pushing through, just as I have done for 18yrs so far. I hoped that night, so deep within my soul, that either a roo would jump in front of me while I was driving fast and could hardly see through the sobbing. That would've solved everyone's problems. Or even wished a lil that he would've followed through on his threat. I would at least end that piece of pain that consumes so much of me. 

Since then my kids keep hugging me. It probably should feel reassuring, comforting. But it feels forced, like pity, like they don't know how to be near me for fear I will flip out.

Someone drank some poppers they should’ve (stupid I know) but I got contradicting stories from hubby and my eldest. And told them both I don’t know who is lying coz I wasn’t there, but I’m done being lied to. Hubby accused me of treating him like lying junkie scum even after he changed and doesn’t do that, doesn’t lie to me, and whatever. I wasn’t trying to do that. I just can’t give him blind faith after it all. I always doubt what’s said. And despite him saying he hasn’t lied since 15 yrs ago... he seems to forget there were relapses. Several, and multiple times I knew he was lying, had him on camera 5 yrs ago stealing my smokes when he constantly told me he didn’t touch them (I let it go, never brought up the video, so y go to such lengths to bust him in a lie if it was only to torment me, and not prove my point) no idea. Just wat I do I guess.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I get glimpses of happiness in my life, but it’s never just happy. I go out with the girls maybe 5 times a yr, but that gets thwon at me that I always go out, it’s all the time and I can have fun with them, but he doesn’t get fun me. Fun me hid from him long ago. Anything I do I either get in trouble for, or if I don’t, I get in my head that I will and it ruins it anyway. Usually thrown in my face later to make me feel shit like I’m mean to him. I got a woe is me convo over how he isn’t included in... those girls nights. Ffs. They weren’t about him. But he turns it into me reflecting him. I can’t even. I don’t even know wat I am doing with life anymore, not that I ever did

 

And I don’t even know if I make my own turmoil of crap in my head, or if I am stuck in the past, or if it’s all a learned response from everything I have dealt with over the yrs.

 

I don’t know. Am I just ruining everyone around me for my own..... don’t know wat to call it. Maybe I want misery. Y else would I still be in it after all these yrs. Y else would I hate everything that I am.