Don't even know

[Lotus_85]

So... being having issues with my partner, I tend to complain about my stuff to work friends. I'm sure I blow it all out of proportion from my own screwed up way of seeing things. They r great, supportive,etc. But I no longer want them to be. I don't want them or anyone else to care about me, or pretend to. I gave my partner no compassion, no positive anything. Been on ssri on and off for nearly 15 yrs. It's blunting, I don't have compassion to give him. A few months back switched to anri to try and make him happy, less blunting, but only on the negative stuff really. Don't get me wrong, when I'm at work I have a good time with the girls and enjoy them. But I go home and it's gone. My kids must hate me. I just sit in my room and remove myself from life and watch others on TV instead.

In the last wk, I stopped my snri coz we were still fighting about me being heartless who doesn't care about him. So wats the point if taking pills if I'm still like that. In this last wk, I broke up with him, we told the kids, then I cried and crawled back... all in a day. I blew up my life, destroyed my kids... for nothing. Since, I'm ok with my partner, that ain't bothering me... but I am just... throwing myself into music to try and numb something. I am sad and angry and irritable and want ppl to stay away from me. I wake up ok, but as soon as someone, usually my kids talk to me, that's it. I'm all in my head. I lose my stuff or my obvious misery destroy everyone else's mood. Then I hate myself for it, alopologise over and over for everything I say outa place. And today I'm just angry. Punched the work Keyboard and scared my co-worker. Great work. I just want to be gone and have everything silent. But the silence is so deafening. (Would never hurt myself, just hope that the universe will do it for me).

Then I'm numb, no feeling, no emotion, until something happens I don't think and I lose it again. Don't even know y I'm writing this really. Just forget it. I just need to get over my cop-out and stop making excuses for bad behaviour

[Sophie_M]

Hi Mazzania,
 
This is such powerful conversation, thank you for starting this discussion and sharing an update today. We hope you don't mind us popping in, we can hear you’re dealing with an extremely difficult situation, so we wanted to reach out and let you know that we’re here if you'd like to talk it through. We've reached out to you privately, and you can call us on 1300 22 4636 or reach us on webchat, here.
 
It is never ok for someone to make threats, or make you feel that you are trapped in a situation that isn’t safe for you. We want to encourage you to call 1800 RESPECT  on 180 737 732 to discuss what's been going on for you and your family. They will listen in a kind, understanding and non-judgmental way, and you can connect with them discreetly on the phone or via their website, here.
 
It might be helpful for the community to know if you have any professional mental health support around you, currently? We can hear you've been thinking of reaching out to the GP, we’d really encourage you to make another appointment – they can help. If it’s hard to speak out to them, some people find writing down a few things to discuss with them and taking it to the appointment can help. 
 
It must have taken a lot of courage to write your story and we want to thank you for being so brave. We can hear you want the best for your kids, and that's a really powerful thing. You never know who will read your post and feel less alone in their own experience.
 
Kind regards, 
 
Sophie M

[Lotus_85]

Hey Sophie, I'm not unsafe, just feel trapped in a life of my own making. I did see my gp and got put on diff meds, and he is referring me to a psychiatrist, maybe so they can get up me keeping on stopping my meds. I dunno. My life is a making of my own devise. I put myself here and I need to learn to deal with it. Back on my original numbing meds was easier for that, but that didn't make him happy coz I was heartless, uncompassionate, uninterested (still am just differently ya know) I can fake interest in him better I guess. I mean I love him, I guess. And I'm sure I just exaggerate everything. But it feels deep. Even though at the same time it feels as though... it should cut so deep and I'm just being dramatic. Maybe I am and it's all in my head. Maybe he is near perfect now. I just need to be more tolerant an open to him, despite my fear of it biting me in the a$$. Maybe I just need to accept that I am a broken person and I can't make anyone happy, I just contort everything to destroy myself. I just don't know. 

[Lotus_85]

I think I just need a few weeks for meds to kick in, and me to get over myself after the whole blow out the other wkend. Then I can go back to coasting through and periodically fighting about me not making an effort in our relationship. That's my as happy as it gets mostly.. ill get back there.

[therising]

Hi Mazzania

I wish we could magically find ourselves together at some cafe somewhere having a good old pressure cooker kind of vent, so as to let off steam and make sense of everything. I have a feeling we'd agree we're trying so hard without fully realising just how hard we're trying to manage mentally, physically and even on some soulful level.

I imagine we'd be comparing lists, the kind of lists that add up to how everyone, in some direct or round about way, lets you know how you've failed them or are failing on some level. While I think of the many facets that make up who we are, I think about the people pleaser. I think about that part of us that I feel so sorry for or so much sorrow for at times. Trying to convince that part today 'Sweetie, I love you so much. You're so beautiful. You try so hard, harder than what everyone knows or imagines'. Was one of those days where the people pleaser in me was just so sad and wounded. I could hear that part of me with its internal dialogue, crying 'I'll never be good enough' while being fully convinced of it. See, I haven't fully mastered getting out of that cycle.

If I was to channel the intolerant cow in me, she'd say 'Oh...my...god, seriously? Have you not learned by now, people can be ungrateful a-holes. They will not see all you've done for them, not that you expect anything in return. All they will see is how you've ripped them off in some way, in this moment, where you didn't serve them again'. The intolerant cow in me is feisty, very chatty at times and highly intolerant 😁

Seeing we can't meet for breakfast tomorrow, I suggest the intolerant cows in us take the people pleasers in us out for breaky instead or maybe a deep tissue massage later in the day, to release some of what's built up over time. If anyone tries to stop us, the cow can demand 'Mooooove out of my way, I'm coming through!'.

[Lotus_85]

I'm feeling ok today. Nothing special, just wanna chill and watch TV but I'm ok. Had some motivation this morning, but that's gone. That's ok tho. I think I just need to get outa my head a bit. Some days  that makes no sense or possibility to me, but today it does. So ima take the win for now

[therising]

Hi Mazzania

So hard to get out of our head for so many different reasons. Whether people want to call it 'dwelling', 'rehashing', 'over analysing' or something else, being stuck in there desperately looking for reasons as to why we think, feel and behave the way we do is definitely a challenge. Being a compulsive analyst, always having to find a reason/education can get pretty tormenting yet I always reach a conclusion or revelation. I'm not addicted to over thinking, I'm addicted to gaining greater understanding and the upswing feeling of a significant revelation. Not gaining a form of greater understanding throughout a number of weeks (regarding self, others, situations etc) is also known as 'Being stuck in torment for weeks'. Definitely has a feel to it.

Might sound strange but I gave up on gaining motivation not too long ago. While I think we can have a motive to move it when something pushes us to (like with packing our child's lunch for school so they don't starve), it's hard when the motive's not there or obvious. Instead of looking for a motive, I try looking to gain energy instead. The other day I was given a 1 hour massage and strangely enough walked away with more energy than when I went in. If energy (in its simplest form) is about 'blocks', 'stagnation', 'flows', 'production/conduction' etc, that massage got things moving and conducting a tiny bit and all I had to do was lie there. Keeping it moving and building upon it remain the challenges.

What could others in the family do without so that you could accumulate some dollars here and there while saving for a massage, for example? We all need something to look forward to.

[Lotus_85]

Today I was going to take the kids to the beach, do some together for Easter, before the hot weather is gone for another summer. We never do anything. One of them made it clear he wasn't interested unless both the other boys come. That was the plan but to be given an ultimatum over how I can do something for them frustrated me .... I belittled him, told him I shouldn't even bother and all he cares about is the xbox and youtube. I'm not taking them anywhere, no longer interested in being around them or doing anything for them. What kind of a mother am I?

I don't often do anything with them, which is neglectful I know. But every time I do manage to muster the oomph to try and do something, I fail in some way and it's all for nothing. They hate me more than before I bothered. I get angry when the kids put up a fight or say they don't wanna or something. So I don't bother again... for months. My kids r 11, 15 and 17. I won't even have them around much longer and I have wasted the time we have... and I still just wanna watch tv alone. I don't want to be near them mostly. It's a chore when they say anything to me, like they r an inconvenience. How messed up is that.

[Lotus_85]

I was spose to go to a work friends tomorrow. She is having a bbq.. come along, bring ya kids go for a swim... I told her I'm not going after today. Not only do I not really wanna be around ppl... but it's insulting to my kids to even think about doing that when I can't even spend time with them. I don't take them anywhere, not that they would wanna go unless I was buying them food or something anyway. I am so neglectful emotionally, that my 11yo can't even handle ANYTHING without crying. I have broken my kids and they will grow up to be broken, depressed and emotionally fragile ppl... because of me. I had no right to have kids. No right at all. And now they have to suffer through a life which will no doubt be filled with disappointment and misery. Coz that's life. And I bestowed that upon them. Wat a motherly gift...

Do ppl actually like being around ppl, around their family. In the movies they all have great summer bbqs with friends and fam and all that stuff... I've tried on the odd occasion, it ain't wat it seems on TV. I don't enjoy the company, despite seeming happy, bubbly, sarcastically inappropriate with the girls at work... I'm relieved wen it's over too.

[Croix]

Dear Mazzinia~

You are having a very hard time at the moment, and I would not be surprised if your change of meds may have had something to do with it.

You are also talking about being a bad mother, not wanting to be wiht the kids or anyone, and blaming yourself becuse you don't want to do anything. You also compare yourself with those in movies or on TV - a bit unrealistic.

When you started this thread you were talking about your partner, and the reason you tried to switch meds. He must have as much responsibility for your kids as you do, parenting even at the best of times is a team effort. So is there any reason he was not helping organize that Easter trip to the beach?

When I've been having depression at its worst my mind is so full of the thoughts that depression put there , and I'm so exhausted as a result, I've had no mental room or energy left to deal with others -loved ones or anyone. I just want to be left alone.

At the  same time I've been angry and resentful when people have tried ot reach out to me, even when it is only to ask how I feel. I've overreacted a lot. At those times I've blamed myself and thought all the bad things around me were my fault.

It is only later I was able to sort out what was the real me and what was symptoms.

You do care about being a mother and your kids, it comes out in what you talk about. You are really an OK person held down by symptoms. If you are like me things can get an awful lot better.

Croix

[Lotus_85]

Thx Croix.

The Easter thing... he doesn't help. I'm lucky if he comes along for the ride most of the time (not that there has been any time of late). My whole adult life I have been with him. Most of.my adult life almost has either been this person that I am or numbed from meds (which I prefer). But with that numbing came fights about me being uncompasionate and lack of sex. Hence I gave up my numbing to try other avenues, which so far ain't working so well. I'm on a diff med atm, 3 wks in so not helping atm. Hopefully it will do something at some point. 

I appreciate ur words. But I feel empty, useless and angry all at the same time.