Lost and overwhelmed

[Sirklost]

I'm so desperately overwhelmed and lost. I'm struggling to get my brain to stop going off the rails and running at 100%

I don't know where to begin...
I resigned from my job just over a year ago due to unhappiness and stress. I started taking medication 3-4 months before my resignation.

I've spent the past year complacently looking after a parent who suffered a brain blood clot and a stroke and now has aphasia. Cognitively they have passed their tests, but their personality is more childlike.
My point is that I used this time to do nothing...

My relationship of two years ended just over a week ago. With her saying she doesn't know if she wants this anymore. It was hard to hear, but upon reflection, I understand why.
I let my anxiety get out of control and in fact, control me. We never went to the beach, hardly going out, telling her those skirts were too short and pushing my anxiety and self-consciousness onto her. The list of issues I noticed spans longer than that, and it doesn't improve.

We met up, and she let me explain all of the issues. I realised I was negative and not helping anyone, especially not the woman I loved. We still communicate, sort of. She has been working non-stop graveyard shifts and is starting a new job next week. I miss holding and talking to her properly.

On top of all this, I missed out on a job that would've been an opportunity to get into admin work as a demand planner. My prior work experience is as a fast food manager, and I don't want to go anywhere near that.

I find it hard to not cry, to distract myself. I'm not motivated for anything, not even eating. I just want to sleep and switch off. I've reached out to my GP and Psychologist today, but they have patients and will try to get back to me.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Sirklost,  Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing here. We hope you find some comfort in sharing here, and in hearing from the lovely community members, many of whom will be able to relate to what you’ve been through.   If you ever want to talk this through with one of the Beyond Blue counsellors, feel free to give us a call on 1300 22 4636, or reach out through Online Chat here.   Thank you for sharing this and giving this community a chance to offer you their understanding and advice. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else.   Kind regards,   Sophie M 

[therising]

Hi Sirklost

Some of the hardest things to do in life include situations we've never faced before. Even harder is when so many people expect us to function on a level they're used to or in ways that a comfortable (not challenging) for them. If you're the 'go to' person who's all emotionally in charge and on top of everything, when that changes for one reason or another, the most important thing is to have people around who are going to pretty much say 'I got your back. I feel for you. I'll guide you through this' as opposed to 'I really can't handle who you've become/who you're becoming'.

Ideal looks like...A good job, a good relationship, great internal dialogue, easily paying the bills here and there, loads of energy etc. No worries, not a problem.

Overwhelming looks like...A job that's impossibly stressful and depressing to keep, some cash flow issues, a parent who's become dependent, a relationship that's falling apart or has fallen apart, inner dialogue that feels like an internal battle that's almost indescribable etc. And you know what, if you've never done that combined lot of challenges before, it can feel enormous and thoroughly exhausting.

As a 52yo gal who had a year that truly challenged me (last year), all the challenges I faced were new ones that I'd never navigated before. They weren't enormous challenges but they were definitely somewhat mind altering and there were definitely plenty of them. Having to take this year off work so as to effectively manage so many challenges has led me to realise I've never done this before, these specific challenges and all of them combined. Does stuff to your mental health, nervous system and even your soul in some way. While having managed the ins and outs of depression over the decades, last year was my first experience with anxiety. There's no book for it, no set guide to follow, when it comes to managing what's overwhelming and sometimes depressing. Sometimes the best we can do is develop a patchwork quilt of handy tips from here and there on how to do it all, with plenty of patches missing (ones we continue to seek). But you know what, at the end of the day, you're doing it all to the best of your ability, that which is all new. While this is the kind of stuff we'd admire in other people (while wondering how the heck they're managing), we gotta admire our self.