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does numbness go away? is it called feeling numb?
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hi, my names violet and I am a normal teenage girl that's going through some shit.
okay, my question is, am I feeling numb? and would this feeling go away?
I have some problems which I will not mention. but this problem occurs frequently. it has been occurring ever since I could remember but as I grew older it became worse. usually, I would get mad or angry when the problem happens or sometimes I would get upset and cry but I had come to a realization that the past year I had bearly felt any emotions. whenever this problem occurs I would lash out and become angry but now I go emotionless. no anger, no happiness, no sadness nor frustration. I don't know what's happening but I feel fine. I've never really noticed but I don't remember the last time I had felt emotion when I was truly happy. and whenever I choose to let go and become happy and start laughing with true happiness it feels weird for me. like it's not right for me to be happy because I know something bad is going to happen next.
im noticing im becoming faker by the minute. I always have a smile on my face at school and no one seems to notice its fake. my friends always say that im always happy or they've never seen me cry or become upset so I just softly laugh and walk away.
I don't know what to make of myself anymore. when I see someone look at me a smile automatically falls on my face. but when I look away it sets back to the emotionless face. I feel like the most emotion I mainly feel is anger but even that I feel like im losing. I do cry but, for reasons that
apparently, I was told that I used to have anger problems and that I would lash out if I was angry. and thankfully I've learned to control that but as I steer my anger away I feel like I lost control of the steer and im losing the only part of myself where I felt something
now whenever the problem occurs I wait till I feel upset or something but I feel fine and yet im dying on the inside.
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the problems
kind regards violet x
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Dear Violet~
Forgive me if I misunderstand however I'm guessing your family seems on the verge of breakup and has for quite some time. It is natural for you not to want this, and feel pain at the thought, also to have a desire to fix things so it will not happen. Writing here is a big and courageous step - and a sensible one.
Sometimes families limp along for ever with arguments and threats, it happens. Others do split and the children suffer, even if they are not forced to take sides.
May i ask if you get on equally well with both your parents? Assuming you do it can still be hard to see them as human beings in their own right, kids tend to give them roles, Dad or Mum -parents. Maybe seeing if you can form closer relationships with each may give you some reassurance you are loved - no matter what happens.
Maybe I'm on the wrong track, if so perhaps you might like to say.
Numbness can go on for a while, and I'd suggest that trying to face it on your own is a pretty big ask. The mask you wear is common, I've worn one too, still do a bit. It keeps things quiet and questions away.
In your family, or close friends, is there anyone you can speak frankly to about how you feel, especially when one of those problems starts to come up? Another on your side understanding and caring makes a difference.
Can I suggest you give outside support a chance? The Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800) can be pretty sensible and a comfort. You can talk more than once and they are used to such problems. It may not 'fix' everything but might give a little perspective and not feeling so isolated, plus they may have some ideas
There is hope, that the problems stop, or that even if they don't the people around you will see your distress for what it is and try to help.
You will always be welcome here
Croix
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I think it's a universal impossibility to be a normal teenage girl or a normal teenage anything for that matter.
I remember the moment when everything changed for me. I had a seriously bubble-wrapped childhood. My parents split up before I could walk so living with just my mother was just normal for me. I never had any hardships or problems at home. When I turned 18 I had a party at my place. I was still living at home in the house I'd basically grown up in. My mother had gone away for a few days. The party ended up lasting 3 days. The place didn't get physically trashed or anything but it was the moment where my innocent view of the world was destroyed. What used to be under control, a space that had been a part of me for so long, was now just a series of walls, floors and ceilings. From that day forward the world wasn't comfortable or safe anymore. It just was. I became very angry throughout this time, even more so because I had no reason to be. Retrospectively I can see that loss of innocence, coupled with hormonal changes, would have attributed to those feelings.
Being witness to family conflict, having something safe fall apart, is defining your outlook on life. It's going to suck, badly. But it's also going to make you strong; stronger than most can claim to be. I think the strongest people you'll ever meet are those that have had the meaning of life ripped away from them and found their way back.
