Do I have to?

[jjac]

I'm not entirely sure I really want to live a full life. I feel like I have already. I can see my entire life for what it is, what it will be and there isn't really anything worth hanging around for. I'm not suicidal per say, I fear death, suffering, failure (for the guilt trips from loved ones and possible disability) and something so final...but I don't want to be a part of my life anymore. I'd rather a clean slate. In all facets of my life I am not happy, and haven't been for quite a long time. If not all of them at once, just one or two more than others. I can see exactly how each option will work out. I am not happy at work, I struggle with relationships, I'm just lazy and don't care while caring too much. The solutions are always "have you tried yoga?" Seriously? Yoga? How on earth would that help?! Yeah, yeah, serotonin and movement. Of course, I am just in the "wrong" mindset and if I actually tried I could be happier. Sure sure. I just can't be bothered even entertaining such time wasting, it's just a pety distraction from the reality. This green smoothie and stretching sure makes me feel less like life is a waste of time! YIPPEE!

At work everyone demands too much, or asks stupid questions. My field is purely dealing with all of the dregs and nonsense and having to answer the same questions constantly. A problem to solve puts a cloud over me that I can't lift until the issue is resolved or gone. I don't know how much longer I can deal with stupid people and their stupid demands. How much longer can I come into work and stare at a screen all day? I've tired of all of the take away. I'll have to do this for the rest of my life? Why bother? Before you say get a new job, I am a few years away from long service leave, so why cut loose now? That and everything I have experience and training in is the same. Same crud, different workplace. Nothing would change.

I find no satisfaction in anything. I get bitter at the car that runs the red light, the subpar food I am served in a restaurant, the rude person, the rain, my washing machine, anything. I'm cynical before anything else and can't imagine constantly looking on the bright side, because when I do I am put in my place and realise I shouldn't have bothered.

I'm seen as wrong all of the time by my partner, because he just doesn't understand me. I can't get my points across.

I just want to cancel my life, cut the subscription and start again as a new person with better prospects.

[White_Rose]

Dear Jjac

I really wish you had responded to me directly. Was I too hard on you? Did I frighten you? Several wonderful people on this site have assured you I am a kind person. I hope I am. Was I unkind to you, or did I simply reflect your feelings about yourself. You said you did not want the easy comments, so I have given the real story.

Do you want to get well? What is so different in you that that tested recovery options will not work? I feel a fraud every time I write here on BB. What right do I have to tell anyone what to do? My life is as hard as anyone's and I want it all to go away. I wake every morning with a huge panic attack. I cry frequently because I feel alone and lost. I hate it when it seems no one cares about me. I try to tell folks something of what I experience and they wish I would shut up or get admitted to hospital. I tell people that it is a hard road to wellness.

You have said you know how things will pan out. How do you know? Have you tried? You say: I feel like when I try a new thing or habit I feel like a fraud and it feels unnatural. I drop it pretty quickly cause its just not me, or its a
lot of work for little pay-off. It's really hard to make a positive change and really easy to make a negative one. I know how certain things will play out and they may help other people but they don't help me?

Getting well is a lot of work for an amazing reward. It's called getting your life back. Of course it feels unnatural. Did it feel unnatural when you learned to drive, to swim, to cook a meal? It certainly did for me. I persevered with driving because I wanted independence. It paid off when I was abused for 30 years. When my confidence was eroded, every time I was made to look a fool in front of people, when even my children were taught their mother was useless. Well I eventually fought back. I got a job, more self esteem. I finally realised I was not stupid and went to uni part time. And then I left, built my home, furthered my career.

Did it feel it was 'not me'? Oh yes, I was afraid the whole time. I nearly gave up many times. You don't know what to do? Fair enough. Go to someone who can help, your GP. Print out this thread and take it with you. Ask him/her how it appears. You are not missing the instruction manual. I suspect you are not listening to the instructions. But you are correct, it is up to you.

I have lost so much in the past few years and wanted to die. If you want this, go ahead. Don't tell me it's not fair.

Mary

[jjac]

I didn't mean to offend you by not responding to your post, I am just not used to the format of this forum as i'd have like 8 posts underneath eachother from me and it's quite hard to see/remember who they're directed to.

I didn't want to offend you or make you feel like you don't help, the tough love approach is always too hard. It makes me realise i'm at fault. No one wants to hear that. I'm tired and I have to try harder and I don't have motivation for it. It's so frustrating cause I just want the quick fixes but there is no such thing...you have to keep going and plugging away and I need instant results.

A license didn't feel natural, I waited a decide before even bothering to try, it still doesn't feel natural to drive. I don't cook at all. Everything is pretty fresh and I rarely ever know what I am doing.

I'm not really sure what well is because becoming well would mean the complete opposite of everything I am and do, or don't do.

[Mah]

OMG are you my twin???? I feel the same way!!!! I sleep as its better then being awake and when I do wake up I feel so disappointed that it's another day....

[topsy_]

Hi Jjac,

When I was reading Mary's reply above, about her being "afraid all the time", it reminded me of what my case manager of years ago always said -

"Feel the fear & do it anyway."

I even embroidered the saying onto a hanky so I could keep it close.

I was so lucky to have this lady - blest. She basically re-mothered me. Without her & my GP, I wouldn't be here today. But I'm not always happy I am.

Welcome Mah. I would not wish any of this on anyone, but when I find out others feel the same, I do feel less alone.

Wishing everyone a peaceful & restorative sleep tonight, Lyn.

[pipsy]

Hi jjac. I understand when you say 'tough love' is just that - tough. One thing I did pick up on with your last letter about it being 'your fault'. May I ask what is your fault? When life becomes so complicated and messed up it's no-ones fault, it's 'life' itself. I was once told life was never meant to be easy, my response was, was it meant to be this hard - answer, no. But with everything that happens in life, it creates challenges that the manual doesn't cover. When a mum has a baby, she stumbles for the first few months because the baby doesn't do what the manual said is supposed to happen. No matter what life throws at us, we somehow meet the challenge because doing that, means we learn new methods of coping. If you had instant success in everything, what's the point of trying something new. Everytime you make a mistake, rather than throwing in the towel, wouldn't it be fun to keep trying till you either succeed or face the fact that rather than say you've failed, it's simply not your 'thing'. No-one is perfect at everything. It would be boring if everyone was great at everything they did. It's like marriage, you can't agree 24/7 with everything your spouse says, there would be no need for discussion if everyone agreed all the time. I'm not a sports fan, I don't consider myself a failure because of that, I consider myself to be honest. My dad was extremely one-eyed about cricket ugh, I loathe cricket, that doesn't make me a failure either, it makes me honest enough to admit how I feel. Whatever you do or don't do in your life, it has to be because of how you feel.

Lynda.

[jjac]

I wish i could explain this properly. I guess when I say it's my fault, I mean it makes me think that I have full control over it, and this thing that pushes me down is completely controllable and it's my fault I can't. When people say I have the power to change, I feel like I don't, but it makes me worry that I am the only one holding me back and people see me as this person that COULD do something about it, but WON'T. I see myself as someone who can't do anything and is expected to perform impossible miracles. Like I am meant to make magic out of nothing. Then people can say "pfft, you didn't make magic? Everyone else can, buck up."

[White_Rose]

Dear Jjac

When I said, why not reply to me, I meant address the comments I made. But not to worry.

Lets talk about you and your difficulties. I am here on line only so I cannot physically take you to the doctor or hold your hand when things get wonky. I can support and encourage you from here. I can offer suggestions and applaud from the sidelines for every win. I will do that. That's my promise. But only if you will make a promise to go to your GP and get a mental health plan to see a psychologist for ten sessions.

No if, buts, or maybes. You have to make this effort. I have just taken my friend to her fourth psychology session. She said it wasn't doing any good. But I have noticed a change and so have others. She is happy to go because her GP wants her to get well and back to the way she was. She has lost all her family. The last member being her brother who literally died in front of her one morning in the kitchen. He had an embolism. Pretty dramatic eh?

I tell you this because she cannot see the improvement yet. And it will be the same for you. It is usual for others to notice changes before you see them. But they will be there, especially if you make the effort. If you start from the premise that you will fail or treatment will be ineffective, then you will not get better.

No one is at fault because they are hurting and need help, or because the journey is hard. You will fall down at times. We have all done it and cried, moaned and groaned because of the work. So long as you get up one more time than you fall over, you will get there. And this is the way to look at your journey. One step at a time. Trust your GP and psych if you have one. Do not look ahead further than one step. Instead of the negative thought, tell yourself you can do it. It's only a small thing. Keep your mind and face towards this one small thing. And when you succeed have a party, at least in your head.

Having promised to be here to support you I have to tell you I am going to Melbourne tomorrow and will not return until Tuesday. During that time I will not have access to a computer so I cannot 'talk' to you. Can you spend this time making an appointment (a long one) with your GP. Step One complete. Tell him/her everything you have said here and ask for help. Step Two done. Make appointments to see the psych. Step Three done. Three small steps completed and you are still alive. Have an extra chocolate biscuit.

Write in and tell us about it. I will be back by then.

Mary

[CMF]

Hi there,

im wondering what you mean when you say you're seen as wrong all the time by your partner? Do you mean he dismisses everything you say and tries to tell you the 'right' thing or 'right way'? If so this is an issue as it makes you feel everything you say and do is 'wrong' which makes us feel useless and negative. I know this from experience.

i love to hear more about this.

cmf

[pipsy]

Hi jjac. When it comes to any form of depression, it's extremely tiresome and hard to fight, on your own. Depression is overpowering and we need resources to control it. It's true when they say you have the power to overcome it, but you need to know how. This is when you need help and understanding. You're not holding yourself back, the depression, the illness that is depression is holding you back. That black cloud, sick feeling of, I can't do this anymore, that's the depression taking over. My ex FIL tried to tell me that all I had to do each morning was, open my eyes and be grateful I'm still alive. That's okay if you can achieve that. But depression stops that feeling and all you are left with, as you stated earlier, is the feeling, why am I here? Mary's suggestion of a long appointment with your Dr is a good idea. Try writing down your feelings of black cloud overpowering you. Also explain to your Dr the expectations you feel are there from others. I think that is a sort of guilt feeling from you because you can't, at the moment, do what you think is expected. Well-meaning people will try to tell you to 'buck up, rise above it', if I had $1 for everytime I heard that, I'd be rich beyond my wildest dreams. Hopefully, your Dr can put you in touch with a psychologist/therapist/counsellor who can give you some feed-back so you won't have those same 'alone' feelings. I too will be off-line from today till Sunday/Monday. I hope there will be someone on the forums who can give you some emotional support till you can see your Dr. That too can take some time doing, fear of rejection being uppermost in your mind. Fear that your Dr won't hear what you might have trouble explaining. If you are able to write something down, it would be beneficial to the Dr, so he knows where you're coming from emotionally. Try explaining it as the 'black dog' symptom, most Dr's have heard that expression.

Lynda.

[jjac]

He can be quite dismissive, he his set in his ways and sometimes convincing him otherwise is like pulling teeth. If I am just depressed and closed off, he does his best to help me. If he doesn't agree with something, something in my head just flips and I get so angry. I can't get him to see eye to eye with me when I am anxious about something. If I need him to do something to help me, he would rather just spend time going over why he shouldn't have to because it's silly. I don't need to wash this or do that, no one else cares about this but you. It's his way or the highway. His opinions are strong and sometimes it just feels like he goes out of his way to push against my opinion, to make me feel stupid. If I hate something, he likes it, if I like something, he tries to hate it. Or oppose it. I mean, not always but it feels that way sometimes. Usually that's with trivial things. Like I hate a product, so he goes out of his way to buy them and claims they're the best.

I know often my opinions are a bit skewed and I am wrong, but he has grown accustom to not really believing anything I say. Not in the way that I lie, but rather he just doesn't take me seriously. If I am worried about something he immediately goes to "it's not a problem/you're the only one who thinks it's an issue/how are you struggling with this...?" (a way to cut me off, not ask me honestly) If I say something incorrectly (grammar, wrong word) he will immediately correct me "I think you mean..." No one else I know bothers to, they just respond as though they know what I meant.

He's not like this all of the time, but there are topics I worry about bringing up, or things I worry about doing, because I know how he will react. He's not abusive, but I just don't like the whole "wrong" image I send off. If he is wrong, he will attempt to coat it and say he is right, even when he knows he is wrong, he'll go out of his way to say "nup, i'm right!" *cheesy grin* I send myself mad trying to "prove" him wrong so I can get some sort of balance. I know that's crazy but I find myself in a rage just ranting sometimes when he finds his way out of it again.

I feel like I am not explaining anything correctly. I guess I just mean that, I always feel wrong, stupid and silly...and he gets to be the genius, normal one. He seems to take pride in that and has a huge ego. I don't know if this is just a mirror of my parents relationship and I am trying to recreate it or something.